A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has had two girlfriends before me, both of which were long-term relationships. Naturally, he was intimate with both of them. And I totally understand that. However, it really bugs me to know the extent of their physical relationships. During our conversations, his previous sex life will come up and he's told me things him and his exes have done. It's not so much the fact that they've had sex that bugs me, rather it's what exactly they've done and where they've done it. Everytime I think that he's been with these two girls and done these things, I can't help but freak out. I don't know why it bugs me so much. If it was just them having sex in his room, I would be fine. I know regardless of what and where, it was simply just sex. But knowing they've experimented with each other just won't let me get past it. Someone please tell me why it's such a big deal to me. Thanks.
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male
reader, metalsman  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Hello there anonymous, sorry to hear of your troubled thoughts.
I share the same sense of hurt with you on this one, i'm just about to post a similar question but in a reverse situation. I'm a male who's been married for 24 yrs and has a major issue in dealing with my wife's sexual encounters prior to me for much the same reasons.
However if i can offer you some solace in your situation i'm inclined to believe you're having these thoughts because you care for this guy very much, am i correct?
I did read some earlier threads on here from a couple of guys who have offered sensible, informed viewpoints on these issues (mainly guys having problems with their wives/girlfriends past exploits, but it works the same in return i guess)and these would be worth reading..look for posts from Yos and troubledtoomuch.
Anyway, back to your predicament. You don't say if you yourself have had any previous relationships of an intimate basis such as your boyfriend's? This could be an imbalance perspective if you haven't, i.e. because there's no common terms of reference you might be feeling that understanding of how he could do these "things" eludes you if you've not experienced similar situations yourself.
I know these thoughts of the past are extremely hurtful and we tend to dwell on them sometimes making them a 1000 times worse than they are, the mind is a wonderfully inventive tool but can also be a very destructive element as well and you need to try and prioritise your thoughts on a more positive basis if you can by thinking about the good things that you and he are doing together and sharing each other now. It's very difficult to get past the "past", god know's i'm struggling with it myself at the moment, and that's after 24 years of marriage. The same thoughts and visualisations keep popping up and it's difficult to concentrate on anything other than these. It can become totally consuming and at this level starts to affect relationships and our deep feelings towards our partners.
My help, if i can be so bold as to offer it, is to read some of the other threads on here, paying attention to the sensible ones, and enjoy each other for what you have now and will have in the future. It's because you feel something deep for your boyfriend that these thoughts seem all the more hurtful. Does he know how much this is affecting you and is he willing to help you both work through it together?
Hang in there, and best of luck
Best Regards
A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (21 October 2008):
 It's a big deal because it seems like your boyfriend is trying to freak you out! I would be extremely pissed if my boyfriend told me about his past sexual encounters. It's not something that anyone wants to hear about. I suggest you talk to him, and tell him to quit talking to you about it, or find yourself a new guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea! Good Luck, and Best Wishes!
Victoria~
Message me anytime, I will answer anything you ask.
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A
male
reader, Nanook +, writes (21 October 2008):
I can think of several troubling aspects.
If he is volunteering the information without your asking, it may be that he is trying to pressure you to do things you are not comfortable with that his previous girlfriends would do with him.
In that case, you are right to be uncomfortable. You could tell him that his descriptions of his sexual activities with previous partners makes you uncomfortable and if he doesn't respect that and continues, then it's probably a good idea to move on and find someone more considerate.
If, on the other hand, you are asking for this information, then perhaps you're feeling a need to compare yourself with his former partners and you have to examine why that is so.
This is from a mans perspective of coarse, but it seems that women always think we (men) are comparing them to former lovers, movie stars, pop stars, porn stars, and expecting them to live up to some kind of high standard.
Most reasonable people, men and women, have gotten past the idea that ideal people, partners, human beings, exist. Everyone is an individual, we know that, you aren't obligated to live up to any past partner's qualities. If the past partner was what we wanted, we'd still be with them.
To summarize; if he's volunteering this information, tell him it makes you uncomfortable, if he doesn't respect that, move on.
If you're worried about living up and asking for the information, don't. He's with you because you are you, not because you're a former lover. Just be you, that should be enough, and if it's not you're in the wrong relationship.
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A
female
reader, woman23 +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Well i think he shouldnt give you details and describe those things to you, naturally it does bother. try to tell him not to share to much info and try not to think about it.
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