A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been considering a divorce for some time (years). My husband and I have been together for almost seven years and he has a son from a previous "one night stand" that we see often because of me. He lives on the other side of the country, but it has been me who has pushed my husband to fight to get him here for extended visits. Even when we just went to Disneyland, I practically had to threaten divorce to get him to call his son's mom to ask if he could fly out to go with us (us paying for the ticket of course) I believe my stepson is emotionally and physically abused by his stepdad, but my husband treats him like a nephew and really basically ignores him except for a weekly phone call and when he comes here. I make about twice as much as my husband and obviously I am the one who pays for the planet tickets -- my stepson's mom always gets her way because my husband hates flying and doesn't want to have to fly to go to court -- which means more money out of my pocket. We have three kids together -- the oldest is five and I found out when she was a month old that he had cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant. I stayed with him (for some dumb reason) and he kissed another woman and wanted a divorce when I was 6 months pregnant with our second child -- I totally went along with it and then got scared of being a single parent and we reconciled (I sound so stupid, don't I?) We had another child after that. Anyways, I am in a secure job, I make plenty of money that I could get by no problem without any help from him and when I was on a rare month long business trip I was ready to tell him I wanted a divorce and I kissed another man. I feel TERRIBLE that I kissed him because it's morally wrong in my eyes, but I actually don't feel a bit sorry I did it as far as my husband is concerned (I told him the day after it happened) but that makes me feel bad that I don't feel bad! Anyways, we've gone to counseling and such but it's not really helping. My stepson just left our house during this last visit and he again confided in me some really crappy things his stepdad is doing (being very emotionally abusive) and my husband won't even call the guy to stick up for his own son! I just have no respect for him and the desire to have sex with him is so long gone it's crazy. He also is a smoker and the smell of it is starting to really get nasty but he doesn't care and won't quit...yet he complains when I won't kiss him even when I tell him his breath smells horribly. Anyways, I think I am mostly scared because I don't want my children to be hurt in all this and I don't want my stepson to feel abandoned (I would, of course, do all in my power to stay in his life somehow). I am willing to help him get a house so he can stay nearby (him paying the mortgage of course) and see the kids often -- he's a great dad to them, so I don't understand his issues with my stepson. Any constructive suggestions would be appreciated. If anyone else has been through a similar situation please let me know any suggestions for breaking the news to a five year old girl about divorce.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 October 2008):
 First of all, kids are not a reason to remain married. I believe in marriage and the full commitment that comes with it.
Kids learn how to act and socially interact by what they learn in their environment. If you're marriage is dead, and it doesn't seem as if there will be change, your kids will have less chance of having a good relationship themselves because of learning from your marriage. Sometimes when we think we're protecting them, we actually do the opposite.
Your right that it's wrong to kiss someone else while married. He's wrong for cheating on you and you were for kissing (cheating) on him. Cheating not only hurts, it damages the foundation of the relationship. Decreases trust, self esteem, and develops fear. Not a good element to have in a marriage.
I believe he is emotionally detached from his son. One night stand (didn't meant to knock her up), the mistake of that night, etc. This causes an emotional detachment from the regret of who he had the child with. Unfortunately, by regretting making the one night stand decision, he also detaches from everything or in this case everyone associated from the decision.
Speaking from a moral standpoint, you have the "proper" relationship with him. Mother, father and children. As part of the regret, he may see his son as being born from an improper situation. That with your income level, which is not wrong at all but would explain difficulty getting him to travel for his son, he not only had this immoral relationship, but also relies on his wife for financial support.
You felt some guilt for kissing. I bet he feels guilty about you paying for the plane ticket. Again, you've done nothing wrong. You seem as if you're a great catch for anyone. I believe this is how he views his environment. Although, gender roles should not play in marriage, men still have this hidden duty they are to support the family. Not being able to can cause a slip in self identity.
I believe he should go to court for custody. If not just to save his son from abuse, to stand up for all good parents in that abuse is not tolerated. This child confides in you because he's asking for help. Just discussing this issue with an adult is a cry which needs to be addressed.
Your five year old will be able to handle it. They bounce back quickly. Dads house or yours, as long as theirs cartoon network, food, and toys, not much more is asked for. What I will advise that I found by experience is extremely important is your child's functions. Sit together and enjoy school programs and such. The kids love both of you, and seeing you together taking part in their success is important to them. I've always done that with my ex-wife, and I can tell by my daughters responding that it makes a huge different in their emotional growth. I live a couple hours away, but drive down to join her at parent teacher conferences, doctors appoints, school sports etc. They see how two people who can't live together can still be sociable.
I hope this helps. Sorry if it's a bit long. Take care.
A
male
reader, Nanook +, writes (21 October 2008):
If you're not happy with someone who is unwilling to be monogamous then perhaps a divorce is what you need. He clearly isn't willing or able to be monogamous.
There is an old line, women marry men expecting that they will be able to change them and they can't. Men marry women expecting they won't change, and they do. You married him knowing he had one-night stands and an unwillingness to take responsibility for the consequences. Why would you expect that to change?
Seven years is a statistical low in marriage; it's like how cars have their lowest values typically at 30 years. A divorce is hell on kids, so is an unhappy marriage.
With respect to his son from this one-night stand; maybe he's not convinced or sure it's his. Maybe he didn't think it was going to be a one-night stand. Maybe she told him she was on birth control and he didn't expect or want the responsibility. The obvious way to find out is to ask him.
Many people ask questions of strangers that should be directed at their partners or of themselves. Only you can decide what you need to be happy. Only you know if you love him and you are in the best position to judge whether or not he loves you.
You might want to see a councilor. I'm not a big believer, I think mostly they waste time and money, but your questions really suggest some major communications issues since you seem to not understand your husbands behavior at all, and that's an area that a councilor can help with.
There are quite a few other issues that aren't brought to the table here; is there a major discrepancy between your sex drive and your husbands? Was there during your pregnancies? Are you planning on additional children or taking steps to prevent that? If the latter, and the incidents only happened during pregnancy; perhaps it's an issue that is in the past and should stay there.
Just asking random strangers on a forum if you should get divorced or stick it out, well, hell you might as well flip a coin. If there is still love; work on it, if not divorce and move on.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Being honest here, I would say that this guy sounds really horrible, that may not be the case, but thats how I see it. He cheated on you, while you were pregnant with HIS child. That's not right. I dont know how it would be possible to stay in contact with your stepson, but I'm sure it could be arranged to have him visit you. As for breaking the news to your 5 year old daughter. I'm going to be completely honest here. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 1/2 I remember it was a very painful thing to go though, HOWEVER as I've grown and matured, I have realized that although not fun, sometimes divorce is necessary. I would be honest with her about everything. Don't hold back the truth, because if she found out later it may hurt her that you lied to her. You can support your family without your husband, so I would say Go For It. This is a big decision so think long and hard. and then make your choice. Don't feel pressured by anyone, or any conditions. You need to think of you and your children first. Good Luck, and Best Wishes! Keep us posted.
Victoria~
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