A
female
age
41-50,
*es
writes:For the men: Can you please explain to me this male mentality of, if one part of my life sucks, everything sucks?My bf of 7 months all of a sudden started acting very distant and cold when he became incredibly busy at work. One day he'd want me, the next not. When I asked, he's just say he's confused. I thought he just didnt like me, so I broke up with him. Then said he cant be without me, but is to confused to be with me as well. I sat him down and told him exactly what I want and dont want out of a relationship. Then I told him that he should take some time to think about it, and when he starts figuring out what he wants, then he should come back to me. Then I realized that he's having a quarterlife crisis. He spent many years working so hard to get his "dream" career which he hates now (I didnt realize how much) and is actually planning to switch into something else b/c he cant handle it. I was upset b/c I felt like he was making plans for his life w/o me, now I realize he was, he's just lost his faith in his ability to make plans, to follow them through, and is saying.. what the point if I worked so hard and it completely backfired on me?I believe that he truly loves me, but he's so confused its driving him crazy. At the same time, I cant help but feel that if someone is so unsure about whether they want me in my life or not, then they probably dont want me that much to begin with. DOes he just need to regain his faith in life back or is this relationship truly over?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Unluckily I tend to agree with you : if someone is so confused about whether he wants you in your life or not, he can't be that sanguine about having you in his life to begin with.
when all is said and done, and regardless of all movie dramas,soap operas, and sad love songs, -love is very simple, very basic. It's : I love you, and I want to be with you. There may be hurdles, career switches, stressing times, moment of self-doubt- because that's life - and I am glad you'll be with me because together we can face them much better than each on our own.
So , yes.. I think your bf is basically bulshitting: either you , or, sadly, himself.
A
female
reader, Wiser25 +, writes (14 October 2011):
There are many reasons a man is distant but overall I do believe it has more to do with the lack of good parental models. If you grow up not being shown how to handle stress in a healthy way then it becomes a problem in your marital relationships later in life. Modeling after a parent with poor life skills is a sure way to have problem in your own life and we all model ourselves after our parents good or bad qualities...it is our job as adults to understand that we are doing this and make an effort to change that for ourselves. Simple put, becoming conscious of this,it gives us more choices in life about how well we take advantage of what life gives hands us. And overal gives us a better quality of life. All this said, it might be in your best interest if you begin to explore the reasons you are with someone who is so cold and distant. That will give you perspective on the choices you have to make about changing yourself, your man, or your life.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 I know this is very hard for you - I have a similar situation, and I'm married to him. He's just got a business, which is already established, but its still new to him. I thought I saw little of him before, but that was nothing compared to now. We are like ships that pass in the night - literally. When I was giving you the advice earlier, I was giving it to myself. He comes home, he's tired, maybe I'm out, maybe I'm in, but he doesn't seem to have the time for me like he did before. Tonight I was just taking our new puppy out when he got home. I asked if he wanted to come, he said there was a tv programme he wanted to see, but his brother - who had been visiting him at work all day told him to come, so he did, that wasn't a good start. Then he asked the brother to come too!!! we've had no time alone for 3 days, he's spent all afternoon with his brother, who dumped on us a couple of days ago, and he's asking him to come. So eventually this evening I blew the fuse thats been close to blowing, and he says please can you understand me, I'm tired, I'm this, I'm that. Maybe he is. But all I know is I'm not really getting very much from this relationship any more. Its tough. Its sad. I don't really see it changing. His long hours will always be his long hours. When he's not working he doesn't have the same need as me to spend time together. When you love someone its tough. I do make my own life as good as I can. I'm trying to build a new career as a life coach, he shows very little interest in that. But I go on. I'm serioulsy considering moving away, not because of this, but because I always wanted to, and I really don't think he'd miss me that much. We don't seem to have much here, so why stay around. I'm not telling you to do the same as me, just trying to help you see you're not the only one with this problem. And that it is difficult. Guess you have to ask yourself what is it you want? A chance with him when things cool down, at whatever the cost to yourself, or a new life where you don't have that hassle and you can meet someone else without all the problems attached to it - though everyone has some baggage or other. Maybe I should shut up. I'm probably not the best person to be advising anyone at the moment - so don't listen to me anyway. Nite hun. Don't worry, it will sort out. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I am not physic, I cannot read his mind. What I can do, from my experience, is to provide you insight to possible problems he may experience. You need to do the actual leg work and talk with him. He may not want to talk, and this might be because he has already tried to talk with you but your response was not helpful. Now that this has become critical for you, he still senses that your still not open to honest discsssion of the issues.
I can only guess with the information provided, sorry.
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female
reader, les +, writes (15 May 2008):
les is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys dont understand what I'm saying.
Its not a question of him pulling away for a couple of weeks and me giving him some slack.
Its a question of whether he wants to be with me at all. Ever. Is what he's confused about.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (15 May 2008):
I love Lonely's reply. I think its a real check-in time for us girls. We do expect our men to be everything to us - work hard, provide for us, keep us amused, buy us flowers, be there for us, compliment us, make us princesses, as he says, and if they have been good at that it makes it very hard when they suddenly don't do that, we start to get insecure - is he going off me, am I less intersting/stimulating/too fat/old/etc etc etc - and thats our stuff. And so we start putting pressure on them, putting them down, when they are obviously already in troube. And your man sounds as though he is soooooo in trouble, poor guy. I would try to have compassion for him. Acknowledge that he is having a difficult time - cus he is - and then ask him in a gentle way if he'd like a break for a while until he feels better - that way it would take the pressure off him. He's obviously trying to keep everyone happy and failing miserably, which I think will also make him kick himself again. So if you want to be his princess again, I'd say rise above all this. Look at the facts - he can't do without you - its just at the moment he can't give you all the attention he'd like to. So cut him some slack. Get on with your own life. Make that as good and interesting for yourself as you can. Do nice things for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what it is you think you need from him and then YOU give it to YOU. In time he'll either come back or not, but by then you'll have a full and interesting life and it won't be the end of your world either way. Good luck hun.
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male
reader, rproctor +, writes (15 May 2008):
LonleyTwo hit it RIGHT ON! And I sound just like the OP's bf... I got my dream job, and now it sucks, I hate it... It weighs on me at all times. Its long tedious hours, weekends, little pay, pinhead boss, pessimistic co-workers, a complete negative hole... So, I can not help that when I get home from work that I am not jumping for joy and extended with happiness... I try to be, but all this pressure does weigh you down no matter how you try and get around it.
Without support from you SO it makes it even worse, especially if they give up on you... If my SO did that there is a good chance I would have a break down... Or maybe just pack my shit and head north... Who knows.
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female
reader, les +, writes (15 May 2008):
les is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. I demanded answers because I was not sure of what was going on, if he just didnt want to be with me and was waiting for me to get the hint.
I tried to be as supportive as I could. He kept rejecting it.
When a man says in the same sentence, "You're the best person I've ever met/I cant be without BUT I'm too confused to be with you," how long am I suppose to wait around for his feelings to get resolved, when he's completely destroying mine?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Well first, you didn't help the situation by braking up, demanding quick answers, and not supportive at all.
Men feel they have all the responsibilities: making the girl feel like a princess she expects; then he has the pinhead boss at work and his demnd to produce, working many hours with less pay. When a man finds himself in this rut, all the responsibilities he has weighs on his shoulder. If I do this, how will it affect that. Eventually, without support, he can become a distant stiff. I've noticed this in my self at times. It angers me afterwards, but realize the consequences were real, that maybe I hurt the marriage, but at least we still have a roof over our heads and were not filing bankruptcy. Was it worth it? Depending on what a man got back in feedback when he tried to discuss the issues early on, he may have stopped asking because she didnt want to be bothered with it, so he realized he was on his own and did the best he could, then having the wife/girlfriend throw more problems at him that she doesn't feel loved, etc. etc. Men are not superman, they are not knights in shinning armour with the only job of saving the girl. He has other things, which don't seem to be noticed or appreciated by his girl. He is caught between a rock and a hard place, he can't win and this is when he crawls in his corner.
Men and women both need a reality check once in a while.
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