A
female
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anonymous
writes:Everything about me seems to link to a high level of insecurities and a low level of self esteem. I am unassertive, try overly hard to please others, constantly look for reassurance from males, and i let people walk all over me. However despite having all these 'symptoms' or insecurities and no self esteem, I dont understand why! I know all of my good qualities and beleive in them. I know I am a pretty girl, I know I am kind, honest, compassionate, loving, honest, smart etc...Those are all qualities I think that are important in someone (besides for the shallow ones such as being pretty). So why do I always feel down? Why do I rely on people to make me feel good about myself? Why dont I seem to truly like myself? It dosnt make sense.How do you honestly become happy with yourself? Ive seen a counsellor before but it didnt really help. they did al these activities with me like listing qualities about myself and so on....but i still think and feel the same. I have a desperate need for love and reassurance from males. The only reason I can think of why I am like this is because I was never close to my dad growing up. He never showed affection. Was cold and distance. I cant rememeber him ONCE saying he loved me. Howeever my mum was the complete opposite. How do I cope with all this?
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male
reader, esepalo1  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 A lot has to do with your past growing up with no affection and love with mess with your mind most of my child hood i was with my da then shipped to my mom then shipped to my aunts then back to dads then back to moms etc never had a stable home to call my home and feel safe and comfortable. It took a lot to realize i didnt need approval from any one all my life i thought i needed some one to say good job never got it. My wife finally told me youve over come alot in life and the only one you need approval is god from there on ive never looked back just went forward in life and over came me low self esteem and never changed who i was neither should you. You are who you are and dont change anything. Society has us thinking how to live how to dress and everything we do we need approval from the world when in reality we need us to be ok with are selfes.We are like oysters yeah we are ok on the outside but in the inside theres a precious jem that only a real person can appreciate. Women are precious and so many men take them for granted we as men fertalize the seed for a baby but a woman carries it for 9 months bravo. So look deep in you mind body and soul and know you are some one special.Beauty is only skin deep the real protetial is in side.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 September 2007):
 You're last paragraph explained part of your answer. Not being close to your dad. I read a report that explained, there is a psychological father daughter bonding that takes place when a girl is close to her father, not to be perverted, but psychologically it's closely related to the rush women get when they are physically intimate with a male. (for those reading, that doesn't mean incest is OK). Our brains for many feelings we have recognize the feeling, but doesn't separate where that feeling is coming from. Girls who don't have that closeness usually seek out the affection of males to fill that void.
Now that we've explained why you seek out males, let's talk about your self esteem. You know you have those qualities. They are all wonderful qualities, but unfortunately personal qualities are not all that's involved with your self esteem. I usually do type (self) and (esteem) separately. The reason for that is we need to look at them separately instead of just being a word. Lets look at esteem (the regard which one is held) first. So the esteem of ones self, we're talking about whole self not just personal qualities, so you need to look at your whole self.
Here's a question for you. You mention your behavior seeking out male attention. All though it makes you feel good, or fills that void, how do you view your actions? Under different circumstances, let's say you did not have this need or desire, would you still make a conscious decision to take part in this behavior.
I agree with the other post as having a mild depression. I could stem biologically, and part might. Some people are even born, not with depression, but a higher likely hood of getting it, if circumstances warrant it. Somewhat like people who are born with addictive personalities.
Let's look at your qualities. As I said they are wonderful, if I was with someone they would be qualities I'd be looking for. You're self esteem has weakened who you are. Your need for approval. Guys walking all over you. That's not just a need of approval, but also avoiding confrontation. We do that when our self esteem is low, because we feel better when people view us in a positive manner so we avoid the chances of them viewing us less.
I actually call low self esteem (off balance), reason being there is so many factors involved. Ask yourself these questions, they all have to do with strength and building your self esteem. (1) how do I view my activities seeking out male partners (not how do I feel)? (2) How do I view myself in regards to my accomplishments? (3) How do I view myself, knowing guys treat me less than I deserve? (4) Am I going in a direction that makes me happy? (5) Am I willing to do what it takes to get back myself and be happy?
Being off balance lies in multiple areas. Your spiritual health, Your social/emotional health. Your mental health. Your physical health.
I hope this as least points you in a direction that can begin the healing process. I wish you the best and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Well, Honey, I can very much relate to you, we have much in common with the type of father we grew up with, and I can tell you it will be a struggle for you...I would continue seeing a counselor for as long as it takes for you to start learning how to cope with your deep insecutities, don't tell yourself it didn't help, it will in time, you have to do the work though, and it is not going to be easy, but it is up to you to work on your inner sense of well being.
You may also suffer from a mild depression, it could be biologically based, perhaps you even get that from your dad, that may be a reason he was cold and distant, he himself had problems, even depression....There are many medications that can take the edge of your black moods, and make you feel more like you, not less like you. Talk to your doctor about this. It may take trying a couple of different pills, to get the one that works for you the best. You sound to me like you only have depression, and not anxiety...but if you often feel anxious, then that can be treated with medication as well.
I think one of the best ways to get over needing lots of attention from men, and needing other people to feel good about yourself, is to actually start focusing on other people and their problems, not on how they see you or are reacting to you, but take a genuine interest in them....Try volunteering somewhere, even helping care for children will put a smile on your face. You have value in the world, there is a reason you are here....you don't need the validation of others to make this a fact, but everyone needs love and affection, but that can come from the smile on a child's face, not just from a man.
Time and maturity will take care of a lot of this, but be cautious of men that show you too much attention, don't become vulnerable to being taken for a ride by men who don't have your best interests at heart....these guys can smell insecurity a mile off, and if they are not very nice people can take advantage of you, so do keep your guard up a bit until you get to know someone better.
Take care of yourself and list the things that you are grateful for every day, like good health, and the basic fact that you are alive to see another beautiful day with the sun shining, and you will know love when you have finally learned to love yourself.
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A
female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 It could be connected to your relationship with your Dad, but it's different for every woman. For me, I had a really good relationship with my Dad, and he was very affectionate and involved in my life, but I was such an ugly-duckling when I was growing up that it affected how I see myself to this day. I was always a Tomboy, and didn't have much sense of fashion or style until I tured 11, and a friend helped me get in touch with my "girlie" side, make-up, clothes etc. After that I seemed to blossom and always got alot of attention from boys. But it never seems to be enough. I look in the mirror every day and I know I am quite attractive and I have always gotten attention from men. I've never had difficulty find dates, or being in loving relationships, but I still feel terribly insecure underneath it all. Everytime my b/f travels on business, I worry that he'll meet someone prettier, or sexier and leave me for her. And I cannot connect these fears to anything specific, like abandonment issues with my Dad (he never abandoned us, my parents stayed together until their death and were always happily in love). It's just an every day battle to measure up in life and feel good about myself. Most days I do, but a surprising number, I don't. I know women tend to be competitive by nature so maybe some of it stems from that element. Some of it could come from each of our own stories, the ugly-duckling syndrome, the father-issues, the bad dating patterns. All I can say, is you get up every day, and you find things about yourself you like and you focus on them and you go out into the world and be as confident and comfortable in your own skin as you possibly can. I've found that pursuing the things I love, like music, or art seems to keep me on an even level with my insecurities. I hope that helps you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): You have put exactly how I feel about myself into words, which I never could have done.
I bet you have days when you are determined to get a grip on your feelings and others where you just don't have the strength and doubt that you even can.
Its hard when you have previously seen a counseller what to suggest, there is nothing wrong with seeking reassurance from others but it shouldnt be the only thing that makes you feel good about yourself.
You do recognise that you have qualities which is a start, the trouble is recogognising them and believing them are two different things. I don't even know you and from the way that you write I can tell that you are kind and compassionate, loving and giving. Thats why you care so much about others seeing this side of you.
I cant help feeling that you either have been bullied previously or have had a bad relationship experience as both of these could contribute to your lack of self esteem.
Its difficult to say whether having a father that was unable to show his love for you is effecting you now, I would like to say it doesnt but who knows.
My dad was never good at showing affection either, I couldnt even tell you if he ever cuddled me, I certainly have no memory of it if he did but I find myself being the complete opposite to him, I love to smother my children with kisses and tell my partner that I love him every day.
I rely on my kids to give me those 'ups' but like you I constantly question myself.
I have found a solution to help me feel better within my own skin, I cant guarentee that it will be right for you but it may be worth a try. Book a photo session. Its not vain and its not about whether you are pretty etc, what it is about is making you feel good-because you feel good (if you know what I mean.) It may help you to rely less on the comfort of others and actually accept yourself.
I hope this will help you. You need to change your approach to the way you feel, not the way you are or the way you look.
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