A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am writing cos about 1 month ago I split up with my bf of 18 months because he attacked me. But I am finding it very hard getting on with my life. Thing is I can't get past it because I know its all my fault. See after I had been with him for 8 months I cheated on him (with an ex who i still had feelings for). I didnt sleep with this guy but things happened that shouldnt have. Anyways I didnt tell my bf but it affected our relationship cos of the guilt i felt and we argued lots and split up and got back together many times. In the end my boyfriend found out what I had done. Needless to say he went crazy! He threatended me in every way you can think of and he let himself into my house and trashed everything that was to do with us. He also threatened to kill me, put me in a mental hospital and look after my little girl himself (not his child). After a few weeks he told me he still loved me and wanted me back and foolishly I agreed. Another couple of months went by, with lots of arguing and splitting up again and then on another occasion when we had split I ended up going to this guys house (the one I cheated with). Nothing whatsoever happened apart from we talked about our past and our feelings and everything that had happened. However while i was there my bf found out and he turned up. They argued and in the end i left with my bf. He then hit me. I managed to escape from the car (as it was moving) cos I thought he would kill me if i didnt and I ran and ran. I didnt report him to the police. A few more weeks passed and I found i was lonely and missed him and thought i still loved him and he said the same so we got back together again. It didnt last long tho and we split and I was determined this would last. During all of the splits I turned to my girlfriends and partied hard (which my ex did not like!) Then on one particular night I bumped into him out drinking and we argued. He called me names and I left. He then started phoning and texting me and I ignored everything and went home to bed. I must have answered my phone by mistake but when he rang he apprarantly heard my bed squeaking and me making noises! (I was alone by the way and these noises turned out to be me snoring and turning over in bed!) But being so paranoid he assumed I was having sex with someone so decided to come to my house. He then let himself in and came to my room where he found me alone sleeping. Then he started to beat me in my sleep. He gave me lots of injuries and again I felt he was gonna kill me. I reported him and he got away with a caution from the police but they warned him to stay away. But he is continuing to contact me and I feel myself getting upset and lonely again. I really do not want to get back into this cos next time I could end up dead. Do i deserve this life because its my fault? How do I stop this happening? Can someone please help me cos I am going out of my mind!...
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 First I want you to really look up the laws of your country. Where we are, beat a women, go to jail. Do they have restraining orders where you live. That's where he's ordered to stay away and not make any contact, and if violated, automatic arrest.
Second, I feel for you with what happened. There are a couple of things here I want you to know. (1) Men should not hit a women, period!!!! (2) Cheating (even if you still have feelings) should never excusable behavior.
When your in a relationship, it's not OK to cheat, because it violates the relationship. I look at relationships as contracts. In a contract, if violated, it's no good. In a relationship, if cheated on, it becomes void at the time of incident. That's one behavior that causes problems.
Your ex, all though you violated the relationship, had no authority to put his hands on you. If it was me, you chose to cheat, you I can choose to forgive, or leave the relationship. I cannot choose to cause you physical harm because of your actions. Being in a relationship does not give anyone ownership right. It does not give anyone the right to dictate your behaviors. But if the relationship its self is violated it does give them the right to choose to walk away. If that were to have happened, you would have been the one who chose the behavior which caused the NON VIOLENT reaction. Then you'd just have to accept it. I look at it this way. If someone cheats, they loose right to being in that relationship. It is the victim who was violated who then had the right to choose the future direction. Now if he chooses to remain in the relationship, that only renews what you had before, it does not give additional rights of control.
You need to seek protection. If it is in your laws to protect women a bit more than what the police did, I'd also file a complaint of negligence against the department. (yes I am in law if you can't tell by some of the wording)
You're going to need some mental healing too, before trying to have another relationship. Having this done to you does cause harm, and you need to get better from that so if you find someone wonderful, the mental harm doesn't interfere with your happiness there.
I wish you the best. I hope things work out for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Love, why are you doing this to yourself? You don't deserve his abuse and you did not cause it. He controls how he will react and behave and to be quite honest he sounds dreadful.
We all make mistakes and there is something seriously wrong with him if he can honestly believe he now has permission to abuse you and treat you in an ill manner.
I have to say that you must not have had a great childhood where you were taught what a healthy, loving, adult relationship was or you would not allow yourself to be abuse by some maniac.
One, admit you are not in a healthy state; emotionally due to past traumas.
Two, get yourself to an addictions recovery program. Yes you heard me correctly. I don't know if you drink or do drugs but someone in your past has and you have picked up these same behaviours in that you are re-inacting out the past. This will give you the support you need from those who can empathize with you.
Three, counselling. To help teach you that you are a worthy individual who is capable of turning her life around and how to love yourself, respect yourself, and how to have a healthy, adult relationship.
Four, change your circle of friends. Start going to single mom groups, start going to local sports clubs, go swimming-do something you always wanted to do. Treat yourself, take care of yourself. Make yourself #1 priority. With this you can be the best mom and teach your daughter how to be a strong woman who does not need men in her life, especially abusive ones. You don't want this pattern to be passed on down to her now do you? So it's up to you to get strong and teach her how to love herself and not put up with anyone elses crap.
You may want to look in to local shelters-it sounds sucky but it's start. They have counsellors on hand, it's a safe place where he can't find you, and they can help you re-locate.
It may seem hard and lonely right now. I have faith in the human spirit and in you that you can overcome this but it takes the courage to realize that you still have a life and future to have the happiness you deserve. You have your daughter. By spending more time with her and making her a high priority, you can find you can heal and begin to love yourself and her by being the best mom you can.
Is there a local Church you can turn to for extra support?
You need to stay busy and invite more light into your life to wash out the darkness you seem to be in.
I've had a childhood where I was in your daughter's position. I know she loves and looks up to you to teach her how to be happy and successful in this life. Successful doesn not mean a big home and tonnes of money. It means standing on your own two feet, putting family first, and making sure the abuse stops.
Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to.
I hope the best for you.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (21 September 2007):
 NONE of this is your fault! he is a psycho. sorry to be so blunt but he is. what happened between you and your ex is not a reason for him to hit you, its an excuse. if it hadnt been that he would have found something else.
please please please stay away from him. i know you are lonely and im sure you have some good memories of being with him which is what keeps you going back to him but you deserve so much more. you need to break this circle and you need to do it now. you said you feared for your life on a few occassions and i think those fears were realistic.
i know it is hard now but in a few weeks you will be feeling 110% better. theres no short cut through the lonely stages but just be strong and go through them and come out the other side. i promise you will not regret it
best of luck
brooke
xxx
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