A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI'm with my bf for approx 2 years and he doesn't acknowledge my bday and never even wishes me happy bday. It might sound childish but I wish he could atleast wish me. If I tell him om the day its my bday, and ask whether he is gonna get me something, he tells me whatever i want he will get me, but still won't wish me.Its the same for every holiday, he never has given me any gift unless i specially ask for it.I have seen his friends or my friends bf celebrating their gfs or bfs bday party. I don't ask much, why can't hr even wishes me, that bothers me. If I ask he says he doesn't celebrate bdayies. He doesn't hv to celebrate his but what is stopping him in even wishing people. Am i overreacting, pls help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Could it be a cultural thing ? Where is he, or his family, from ?
From instance, Muslims , even Westernized ones, don't celebrate birthdays. I am not sure if it's a religious prohibition, or if simply it's not in their culture and it's a Western habit which they did not bother to adopt, but when you grow up without birthday parties , it's difficult that when you reach 30 or 40 all of a sudden you can get excited about birthdays, one's own or other people's..
Also in Southern Italy, until recent times, the day when a person got fussed about, got presents and cake etc., wasn't their date of birth, but the calendar day when their namesake saint is celebrated. Like, January 17th, S.Antonio, for all the guys named Antonio ( and born any random day of they year ).
Now of course things have changed, because nowadays most Italian kids too get named Tiffany or Dylan or Cheyenne and such, lol.
But, just to say that diiferent cultures and subcultures
have different customs and celebrations, and one tends to soak up what he is exposed to ( or not exposed to ) in childhood.
I must say, though, that I also know tons of people, of no particular religion or ethnicity of persuasion, who don't " do " birthdays. They feel that fussing about birthdays is just for children, at most- but when you are an adult, what's there to celebrate and congratulate.. that you have one less year to live on this earth ?!
Anyway, whatever his reasons for ignoring birthdays may be,
there is still this detail that you LIKE to get birthday wishes , and that he can please you and appease you with just a minimal effort , which does not involve any loss of time or money.
Have you explained him that to you is important that your birthday is aknowledged by birthday wishes, and that all he 's got to do to put a big smile on your face is to remember saying " Happy Birthday " ? Maybe he has sincerely not realized how this is a big deal for you , since for him it's not at all ( and again, don't assume that birthdays are equally big on everybody's list )-
If he refuses, then yes, I think it's a problem ( although I am not much of a birthday person myself ). It may mean that he is a " my way or the highway " kind of person, and that this could be the tip of the iceberg showing his incapacity or unwillingness to compromise and be flexible in a relationship. Which is a very important and desirable trait in a partner. Of course it does not mean that one has always to jump through hoops and go against his / her nature just to please their partners. But in a case like this, Jeez, all he's got to do is literally to say two words : " Happy Birthday ", and if he should be adamant in refusing this little effort, this tiny change of his habits.... I guess this says something about him, and/ or the relationship; and it's something not positive.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Sorry to have posted my response 3 times over.
I encountered a computer issue and when i pressed "add your answer", mine went through multiple times.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (7 November 2017):
Firstly, i think you should have a one on one discussion with your bf regarding his feelings surrounding birthdays.
It may be that he's had negative situations arise around his birthday, hence his inability to acknowledge your birthday.
It may bring up a somewhat painful memory from his own past and he doesn't know quite how to express/tell you.
He may no longer hold the belief that birthdays are a big deal and he may secretly dread birthdays.
Perhaps you can gently encourage him to open up about his own past and his own birthday experiences.
I feel that once he talks to you, you'll be able to cope better with him not wishing you a happy birthday and you'll finally understand where he's coming from.
Having said all of this, i still think that if he sees how important it is to you, to receive well wishes from him on your birthday, then he should do it simply to make you happy, if nothing more and because he realises the importance of it to YOU.
After all, he is your bf and if he truly cares about you, then it's expected that he'd want you to be happy and he'd be happy to compromise, even if it means little and/or nothing to him.
Does your bf treat you well in other important ways?
If not, then you really need to establish why you choose to remain with him.
If he does, the give him the benefit of the doubt, try not to read too much into the lack of birthday wish thing and sit down and talk to him.
Ask him direct questions regarding your concerns and hopefully he'll give you the answers you require.
Also, try to be patient with him and try to remain as calm and as composed as possible during your chat.
Don't allow your emotions to get in the way.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (7 November 2017):
Firstly, i think you should have a one on one discussion with your bf regarding his feelings surrounding birthdays.
It may be that he's had negative situations arise around his birthday, hence his inability to acknowledge your birthday.
It may bring up a somewhat painful memory from his own past and he doesn't know quite how to express/tell you.
He may no longer hold the belief that birthdays are a big deal and he may secretly dread birthdays.
Perhaps you can gently encourage him to open up about his own past and his own birthday experiences.
I feel that once he talks to you, you'll be able to cope better with him not wishing you a happy birthday and you'll finally understand where he's coming from.
Having said all of this, i still think that if he sees how important it is to you, to receive well wishes from him on your birthday, then he should do it simply to make you happy, if nothing more and because he realises the importance of it to YOU.
After all, he is your bf and if he truly cares about you, then it's expected that he'd want you to be happy and he'd be happy to compromise, even if it means little and/or nothing to him.
Does your bf treat you well in other important ways?
If not, then you really need to establish why you choose to remain with him.
If he does, the give him the benefit of the doubt, try not to read too much into the lack of birthday wish thing and sit down and talk to him.
Ask him direct questions regarding your concerns and hopefully he'll give you the answers you require.
Also, try to be patient with him and try to remain as calm and as composed as possible during your chat.
Don't allow your emotions to get in the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (7 November 2017):
Firstly, i think you should have a one on one discussion with your bf regarding his feelings surrounding birthdays.
It may be that he's had negative situations arise around his birthday, hence his inability to acknowledge your birthday.
It may bring up a somewhat painful memory from his own past and he doesn't know quite how to express/tell you.
He may no longer hold the belief that birthdays are a big deal and he may secretly dread birthdays.
Perhaps you can gently encourage him to open up about his own past and his own birthday experiences.
I feel that once he talks to you, you'll be able to cope better with him not wishing you a happy birthday and you'll finally understand where he's coming from.
Having said all of this, i still think that if he sees how important it is to you, to receive well wishes from him on your birthday, then he should do it simply to make you happy, if nothing more and because he realises the importance of it to YOU.
After all, he is your bf and if he truly cares about you, then it's expected that he'd want you to be happy and he'd be happy to compromise, even if it means little and/or nothing to him.
Does your bf treat you well in other important ways?
If not, then you really need to establish why you choose to remain with him.
If he does, the give him the benefit of the doubt, try not to read too much into the lack of birthday wish thing and sit down and talk to him.
Ask him direct questions regarding your concerns and hopefully he'll give you the answers you require.
Also, try to be patient with him and try to remain as calm and as composed as possible during your chat.
Don't allow your emotions to get in the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 You need to talk to him about this and ask him these questions. For whatever reasons he doesn't celebrate birthdays and therefore that is something you need to accept. Is he good in other ways? There could be plenty off reasons why he doesn't celebrate birthdays, but if he never gives you any gifts or shows you he loves you well then I would be showing him the door.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (5 November 2017):
To be honest I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like this. That might seem drastic to some, but I believe this says a lot more about his character than you realise.
Asking the person that is supposed to love you the most in the world to wish you a happy birthday is NOT a big thing! Jeez, I do that regularly in my office to people I barely know! The fact he is unwilling to do this for you suggests two things to me:
1. He is not a giving person
2. He doesn’t like being told what to do
That would be unacceptable to me as I’m a giver. I love to plan surprises/gifts for the people I care about, both for big occasions and for no reason other than I was thinking about them/thought they would like it. While I know not everyone is like me in that regard and I don’t expect them to be, I do think it’s fair to expect one partner to listen to what’s important to the other and try his/her best to meet that need unless he/she has a good reason not to.
For example if you decided you ‘needed’ a £500 handbag, I can see why he might not be able to give that freely! But a simple ‘happy birthday’?! Two words and a hug would do it, but he still refuses because he ‘doesn’t do birthdays’?
I’m sorry but if your partner can’t even put the effort in to say two simple words as requested, then he doesn’t deserve all the effort you put in for him! Plus, that sort of attitude must seep into other areas of the relationship surely?
Before anyone misunderstands me, I’m not saying he’s a bad guy or that he should be forced to change. I just don’t think he and the OP are compatible because she seems more like me and he seems to be the type that would rather dig his heels in than do something he doesn’t want to do. Even if that decision will upset his partner.
I know I couldn’t stay in that relationship without a great deal of resentment building, and it’s clear from the OP that she’s already starting to feel that way towards her bf. so to you OP I’d say this: I suggest you leave him to find someone more like himself, and free yourself up to find one of the many men who would be more than willing to do such a simple thing to keep you happy. Because in my view, a relationship where one person can’t be bothered to put in even the bare minimum of effort isn’t one worth having in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 November 2017):
 How does he treat you generally? Does he treat you well? Is he supportive? Does he pay when you go out?
If he is good in other ways (and I assume he can't be too bad otherwise you would not stay with him), then perhaps you need to accept that he doesn't "do" birthdays and leave it at that. Why is it so important to you that he wishes you a happy birthday?
Sometimes we have to compromise. Accept his offer of a birthday gift and see this as his way of wishing you a happy birthday.
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