A
female
age
41-50,
*holita70
writes:My ex and I planned a pregnancy. I was having fertility issues and so we decided to proceed with an IVF. It was his idea and he has even funded the entire procedure. I am about to get pregnant and I found out that he has had numerous affairs with other women since the beginning of our relationship. He even crossed the world twice to meet and have sex with two of his exes.I forgave him because he would promise he would never do it again but two weeks ago. I found out about his most recent girlfriend because one of my friend's cousins, saw my ex in her building with another woman.During his relationship with her, 4 months, he started showing me doubts about my IVF and he even told me that he doesn't want to connect with me emotionally anymore. It has been several months I have given to my fertility treatment; taking hormones, having tests and I am emotionally connected to the embryos we have.In his most recent attempt to hurt me, he wrote the lines below:You are XX years old, WAY past the time nature dictated for childbearing, and your uterus needs exogenous hormone therapy to prepare for pregnancy, which is anything but an exact science.Not even near an exact science.You wouldn't even be doing this if it weren't for me. I paid for the IVF. More than you could afford.He also wrote this:When you tell your support system that I used you, you should be balanced and admit that you used me for money, don't forget I paid for the IVF. Just to be fair.His trying to hurt me is because I do not want to get back with him anymore. In fact, I have asked him to stay away. I need peace and quiet for my pregnancy and he only upsets me. His choices are reckless and sometimes I think he resents me because I am getting pregnant, and who wants to date a man who has a pregnant ex-girlfriend? I also found out by one of his ex-girlfriends that he never wore a condom when they had sex. You see he will sleep with me without protection and sometimes on the same day, he would have sex with one of his ex-girlfriends without protection either. He is 51 years old, an a physician and it does not make any sense how irresponsible he is about sex. Everyone knows that having sex with different partners is too risky.He resents me because I told him that I required commitment from his part if he wanted to be part of my life, pregnancy and baby too. He doesn't want to commit, I guess he wants me to remain faithful and be a good mother while he can still see other women.Would you let a man like that close to you or your baby?I would appreciate the men's perspective on this. I know and understand my ex-boyfriend is never going to be faithful.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I'm sorry, OP. I think this is just such a mess. I can understand why you don't want to give up your embryos, but you will be giving your child a nasty father, instead of using a different donor or adopting and cutting your ex out completely, which you can't legally do with this baby, unless you prove he's an unfit father and a danger to the baby. Is that what you'd want for your child? A father like him?
I truly am sorry you're in this position and I don't doubt your ability as a single mum, just that he's a horrible man and I wouldn't want him to be the father to any baby, let alone my own.
A
female
reader, Cholita70 +, writes (7 November 2017):
Cholita70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. To be clear, my eggs were fertilized with his sperm last month. We were still together and everything was fine but my friend's cousin saw him leaving her apartment building; she thought she had moved there but later the week she saw him with a woman who lives in the building; she took a photo of their backs and called me. I confronted him, he denied it, I showed him the photo and got offended. He even accused me of having spies following him. We broke up last month. October has been my preparation for my IVF. I hear your suggestions that I should NOT have this baby and that is very selfish of my part.
In my defense, I never expected that he would have girlfriends while planning a pregnancy with me. This thought never crossed my mind until it was a reality. Again, we planned this together, we signed all the consents, I didn't trick him or got myself pregnant without his acceptance. Also, all expenses were shared; probably, out of guilt he deposited the money I put towards my IVF on my bank account. I recognize now that he did lots of things for me because of guilt. The trust is broken; what kind of a man plans a pregnancy and goes on a trip to see and have unprotected sex with an ex girlfriend?
I don't want him around but I can't give up my embryos, as far as I am concerned, they are my babies. I can take care of myself and my child. I am not the only single mother in this world. I made a commitment when I pursued this fertility treatment; and just because my ex was not serious, I should give up on everything.
I know the best I can do is to stay away from this man. He can go on with his life and lies. He will probably denied my pregnancy to his girlfriends but that isn't my business anymore. When and if he wants to be a responsible father, I will let him close to my child but he needs to prove first, he deserves the chance to be a father.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 Are you actually pregnant at the moment or still trying? If not then I would suggest going down a different route as it wouldn't be fair on a innocent baby having a father so selfish and silly. If you are already pregnant, then I would still stay away from him and build your own life, all he is going to do is bring you down.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (4 November 2017):
 Reckless is right. Disrespectful too. I'm sure you can already tell that being with this man will lead to lifelong cheating. He doesn't really seem to care very about you very much, nor did he seem to deny using you.
Countless women have raised children by themselves who grow up to be remarkable people. Plus he can visit them if need be. It's unfortunate this man will be the father of your child/children but I guess your options are low. Yes, it is good to think about your children but it's also good to think about yourself.
He sounds a bit twisted. Don't let him use or manipulate you into feel like you're the bad person any longer.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (4 November 2017):
I'm sorry to say but it looks like you have chosen to do a deal with the devil to get pregnant- he repeatedly showed you what he was like and you chose to ignore the obvious signs and deal with him because you wanted to be pregnant. If you are now pregnant with his child you will need to deal with him for the rest of your life- he seems like a piece of work, but being callous, promiscuous and cold to your ex partner are not child protection issues, so you are unlikely to stop him getting close to your baby. If you are asking whether you should get back with him in spite of all that he has done then I can't answer that. If he has greater financial means than you have you will have to weigh that added security against the fact that knowledge of his infidelity will eat at your self esteem and self worth and that your child will grow up with a mother that may exhibit some signs that her spirit has been broken by this knowledge. What kind of impact will that have on them?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (4 November 2017):
I certainly wouldn't sleep with him. As far as your baby goes, don't push the his or her father away just because you are angry at him. Your child will very likely do better in life if they have the advantage of having both a mom and a dad as role models. Don't be selfish...do what is best for your child.
Personally, I am against purposefully having a child without there being a father in the picture. You are burdening your baby with a disadvantage the moment you give birth. Getting pregnant in your situation is very selfish.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 November 2017):
OP, are you pregnant? If not, use anonymous donor sperm, NOT HIS! If that doesn't work, adopt/foster. Blood connections aren't actually that important, as sad as it can be for those who want to experience pregnancy to miss out on it.
Never rely on an ex for things. He also can't cheat on you or have affairs if he is your ex. He made no commitment to you, just that he wanted a baby and you were a good incubator - NOT father material!
Honestly, OP, he's spiteful, cruel, unreliable, uncommitted, etc. Why would you think he'd be a good co=parent? The answer is that he wouldn't.
If you are pregnant, I think you need to get legal advice, but you can't keep him from the child - heck, you could even lose custody to him.
If you aren't pregnant yet, DO NOT USE HIS MONEY OR SPERM. Find a way to fund your own parenthood, but cut all contact with this ex. He doesn't care about you and you care too much about him.
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