A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:perhaps this is a more general question: I know this guy from work, and I see him talking on all kinds of social networks, and I know some of his friends, and he is a really good person, two lovely children who adore him, but with me he was a total jerk. I invite him for dinner, he arrives very proudly empty-handed: look, no wine and no flowers! and he announces that he is still high from some drugs that he took the night before. After dinner we watch a movie, that HE picks, although I suspect he didn't really know what it was about, with a lot of very disgusting zombies, and I think he got into this really bad trip because he stopped talking to me and kept staring terrified at the screen, but didn't want me to change the movie. At around 3/4 of the movie he stands up, mutters "we are too different" and walks out of the door. How can an otherwise nice guy behave like this? Does he do this to every woman or is it just me? Where did I go wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Does it matter why? People do things everyday that puzzle us but is it really worth sitting there trying to work it out? Just ignore him and move on.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Do not pay him any attention. he is not really willing to commit. Everything that he feels and everything that he says are all lies. He is what you call someone who is feeling pity. I would not waste anymore time on this guy.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand three days after I dumped him, he writes again that he I made him feel something that he hasn't felt in years and butterflies in his stomach, and calls me dearest and a "damn fine woman". (only now, before he didn't ever make a single compliment, never).
Booooooo hoooo! why do I get all the superjerks? I mean, average, unknowing jerks just let it lie, they don't keep writing. Why does he do that?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): This might be my imagination running away with me, but it sounds like he's a high-functioning addict...he seems normal 95% of the time, but you don't relate to him the other 5%.
I'm not sure if shrooms are his regular fix, but I do know sometimes people with addictions, especially high-functioning addicts will try to date people as a reason to stay sober. The problem with being sober "for" someone else is that it inevitably makes them choose between the person they are trying to love and their drug of choice.
I've seen this play out with a couple of my friends. It's never pretty. There tends to be a lot of lying and deception to impress her...for instance claiming that they "NEVER" take drugs or they weren't stoned that time they forgot to do something.
And the worst part is that when the addict has doubts or ambivalent feels about a relationship, he/she might show up stoned or otherwise altered rather than talk about it while sober...it's an easy way out of going through an awkward experience.
In effect, him showing up the way he did and saying what he did, was his altered self telling you he didn't think the relationship was going to work out. He might not remember it when he's sober, but at the time some part of himself meant it. It might just be 5% of himself...but I'de let him get through his problems on his own and for himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): I'm pretty sure it's not just you he's an asshole to. He may well be friendly on some social networking sites but that means squat. He obviously isn't the great guy you think he is. Don't feel too bad about it, we all think someone's someone they're not at one point in our lives. To me, he sounds like a complete idiot and you aren't really losing anyone worth worrying about.
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male
reader, yankit +, writes (30 March 2011):
Everything happens for a reason, perhaps you just got a glimpse of the future "mr. nice-guy"?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): Um...he never does drugs, but just decided to do shrooms and come over to your house for dinner? No I don't think so. The whole thing sounds weird and I would suggest never talking to him again. People who have kids and do shrooms are not normally good company. Shrooms are something you do when your 16 with a group of friends on a camping trip or something. He sounds like he has too many problems. Move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand, in one of the day-after mails, he states that he wasn't high (but then, why did he said that he was first thing as he stepped into the room?) He just wrote very matter-of-fact "I apologize, the film was too much for me", like he does that all the time.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (30 March 2011):
He probably didn't remember just what happened. When you're tripping details can be blury, depending on the trip.
I seriously doubt he "never" does drugs though. Shrooms aren't something someone just tries for the heck of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand we had a few dates before so I knew him a little bit, but he seemed very shy (or cold), and I wanted to understand what the deal was. The more shocking thing of all is that he wrote me emails the days after like nothing had happened to ask me out again (I declined, of course). And now I am just so confused, why?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry, I didn't specify that he NEVER does drugs (it was magic mushrooms), so that felt very odd, and the meeting was after our first misunderstanding (his fault admittedly), so yes, I was kind of expecting some kind of make-up gift, but that is my mistake. My interpretation of him being nice is that with others he always has a nice word, or a joke, and makes a lot of gifts and he is available, and with me, even if he pursued me pretty clearly (always asked for dates, went to parties knowing that I was there) he seems to look for me to ignore me. So my question was that: why does someone who is nice to everybody be a jerk to me?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 Why are you blaming yourself...he sounds like an idiot whos just not into you. Let it go an refuse to have anything to do with him in the future.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (30 March 2011):
1. he is a drug addict. 2. you seem like you expect people to do things for you and he probably is really laid back in the sense that he would rather get to know you and do stuff for you out of wanting to as opposed to be expect to. I, for example, am really nice, but if someone gets upset because i don't bring them a bottle of wine, flowers, etc. I would walk out too. Perhaps the way you judge him as being nice is not the right way? Lots of people take actions at face value. 1. he does drugs- you may not react to that, but that is going to be an issue. 2. he is single and has kids, meaning there is another potential flaw in his personality. Maybe, not 100% ***MAYBE***3. you don't really know himI know I sound like I am attacking you, but that is because that particular judgement call alone, was not really the right one. And, you made it. My suggestion is to not date drug addicts. That is the base of many problems.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (30 March 2011):
You didn't go wrong, he was high. Almost sounds like acid or some other psychadellic.Look, you two had a bad date, at least you know this isn't going to work. He's got bigger issues that you definitely don't want to take on. Sometimes people aren't who they seem to be when you get past the surface.
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