A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for nearly a year, and living together for over 6 months. He's in his early 40's and I'm in my early 30's. We both have been divorced. He recently expressed that he wants to have a baby, and we agreed that we would start trying soon. Little did we know, something went wrong with our birth control this past month, and I'm already pregnant, which we found out a week after the initial conversation. We're both very happy with the news, and plan to wait until after the first trimester to tell everyone. Recently, we attended a friend's wedding (just after we found out about the news.) Some of our friends kept asking us, separately and in private, "So when are you two going to get married?" I kept responding, that I'm sure it's in our near future. (Meanwhile, thinking, oh, yeah we're starting a family...I should discuss this with him because I want to get married before the baby comes.) After the wedding, my boyfriend and I both remarked on how our friends kept asking that question. I asked him what he said and he said he told them that we don't believe in the institution of marriage. I was taken back; he's never told me that, and we've discussed it before. I explained that's not how I feel. I've never believed in the idea of big weddings and that BS (eloping is fine), but that doesn't mean I don't believe in marriage. He replied that he doesn't think that marriage shows the ultimate commitment to me and he doesn't plan on getting married any time soon. I responded with explaining how logically marriage makes sense when you want to start a family. He agreed that makes sense, then said (because of the setting that we were in during the conversation) that we should discuss it later. It's been a week since that conversation and he hasn't brought it up. Why does he want to have a baby with me and not get married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy Care - No, neither of us have children from previous marriages or relationships. He's not angry by me bring the subject up. I just never realized that we don't share the same views of marriage until recently. And again, it's not like we haven't discussed it before. It seems like all of a sudden, he changed his opinions on marriage, and I don't understand why. The Old Man - Yes, we have feelings towards each other; we're in love. Everything else in the relationship has been pretty good.I do plan on discussing all of these details with him again soon. I really don't understand the difference between drafting up binding documents involving the financial security and getting married. Financially, we're both on an equal playing field, so I don't think the hesitation involves that. It concerns me that when I initially brought it up, suddenly it became all about justifying his commitment to me, and not the logical concerns of raising a family. So if I draw from that observation, his hesitations revolve around commitment to me. Do you think it's then a concern of fidelity and commitment, or am I way off base here? Ultimately, I won't wrap my head around this until I confront him again. We plan on telling my family in a few weeks, and I know my father will be nearly demanding a marriage. I don't want that pressure to be the reason why he makes his decision though.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Maybe I am sounding polemic , but what you did sounds to me more talking about weddings , than discussing YOUR wedding. There is a slight but meaningful difference between " IF I ever should get remarried I'd have a small wedding " and " WHEN we shall get married etc." There might have been some miscommunication here, maybe you took his not totally shooting down the idea, and vaguely considering it a possibility at some point in future, same as a firm decision and consent to make it happen. Again, if you wanted to make sure that your child would be born from a legally wedded mom, - you definitely should have raised your ( very reasonable ) security issues BEFORE conceiving , or, as it was until recent years, first get married then try for a baby.
There are ways anyway to grant you security and protect your financial future and, most importantly !, that of your child also without a wedding. He could subscribe a life insurance in your favour, for instance. Or, as SVF says, call a lawyer and draw up some formal, legally binding agreement .
Has he got other kids from his previous marriage by any chance ? Maybe he feels that all his property and assets, house etc., should all go to his children only (including yours, of course ), when if you were married you'd be legally entitled to a big chunk of it , even being , relatively speaking, a newcomer on the scene.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2011):
 I think that you are very justified in wanting the security.
IF he does not want to marry you can have a lawyer draw up all the papers that give you the same rights and security as a spouse.
we debated doing that vs just getting married. my fiance has never been married and never wanted to get married. (he is 38) I am 51 and divorcing for the third time (yes I know...) and I do not need another marriage but HE does. He needs the security it provides legally so I get your needs and desires.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we actually have talked about marriage before. We've been to a few weddings this year together (even before I moved in), and each time, we discussed how neither of us wanted a big wedding, but rather something intimate, family only. We never discussed dates, but seem to mutually agree on the idea up until recently, so this is why I'm taken back by his recent opinions.
And to address, if he wanted a baby, he was the one who told me, "Let's have a baby together." I had not brought it up before.
My reasons for wanting to get married revolve around security. We live in the house he owns. If something ever happened to him, what would happen to the house? How could I afford to raise a child on my own? I don't understand why he wouldn't want to provide an sense of security for his family.
I understand that our both previous failed marriages can be disheartening, but we've both expressed the deep connection we share throughout our relationship, and thoroughly discussed everything we did wrong in previous relationships and made a point to do the right thing in ours. So why the hesitation to get married?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 November 2011):
He told you why. Because he does not believe in the institution of marriage , ( maybe after his failed marriage ? Scalded cat is afraid of cold water ) , and because he does not see marriage as the ultimate committment to you. i.e. in his eyes it's superfluous. You may not share his opinions, but he has not been mysterious about them.
You should have had this conversation about the meaning and value of marriage BEFORE getting pregnant; in fact, 6 months ago, BEFORE going to live with him, if you wanted to make sure that living together was only a temporary thing leading to marriage. Assuming things is always risky, and you assumed that having a baby was going to also mean tie the knot. But nowadays there are lots of people that don't believe in " shotgun weddings ", so to speak,and if they don't want to get married they won't get married even if they have quintuplets.
Now it's a bit late for doing anything about that, except of course talking about it calmly, explaining him the reasons why you 'd rather be married, and hope he sees your point and changes his mind.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (1 November 2011):
Only you know your love and your relationship with this man, and a real marriage is in the heart. Sorry for sounding cynical but today, and in most societies, a marriage certificate doesnt mean much if anything. After two divorces it probably means less. Much better to cherish you relationship and keep it strong with love and caring and fun together. That will give you much more to have confidence and meaning than any ritual.However, the two of you clearly have a difference on this subject and like all differences inside a relationship it needs to be happily resolved. Maybe, get married when you have your family of two or three children, then you do the marriage and christnings at the same time in one great family bonding celebration. I think that would be great. One last thing, trust your own heart, dont feel forced from what other people, or a religion, make you think you do to conform.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): so when friends asked you if you're going to be getting married, you responded "I'm sure it's in our near future. "so basically you were making plans for him on his behalf without consulting him. You just assumed he wanted to get married because you did? and then getting upset when he wasn't on board with the plans you had made for him?I guess what I'm saying is that he is not the 'bad guy' here, ok, just because he doesn't want to get married. You didn't ask him if he wanted to get married, you just assumed he did. YOU decided that YOU want to get married before the baby comes. You didn't take into consideration his point of view or what's going on in his mind, you considered only what you want. you just assumed that your point of view is the "correct" one and that he is wrong for not wanting the same thing as you.when you two were planning to have a baby together, didn't you talk about this? If you didn't, then you dont' really have a right to expect that he should want to get married now just because there's a baby involved. Because that's your point of view, and rather than seeking to understand his you're wanting to impose yours on him. I do personally feel that it's a good idea to be married if you're going to have kids together. But I think it's more important that it be something that both partners wholeheartedly want and voluntarily agree to, and not as a result of one partner imposing it on the other because of a belief that this is the only "right" way to do things and if their partner's opinion deviates from this they are wrong.
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reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (1 November 2011):
 What makes me very sad about your situation is that what Danielepew said is largely correct: Mr. In His Forties is getting what he wants by either having been strategically vague to you or outright lying. As a result, the situation is lopsided by default.
At this point, since the baby is coming, I don't see any other recourse that you have other than to confront the marriage question head-on. There is NO SUCH THING as too much talking about this issue.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): "Why does he want to have a baby with me and not get married?"Let me turn this question around. Why do you want to get married now just because you're having a baby?Both of you have been previously married and are divorced. So, you know very well that marriage does not equal "ultimate commitment" nor does it guarantee that the union will last. He knows that too, obviously. your previous experiences with marriage have shown you that it is the relationship and personal commitment between a couple that determines the quality and permanence (or lack thereof) of the union. And this has nothing to do with whether you get officially married or not.So, what do you expect to obtain from tying the knot, that you don't already have now with each other? Is it merely for perks like getting to be on his health insurance, tax breaks and so on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): After a divorce, it's hard to get re-married, especially if it was a bad one. It sounds like he wants a family with you, but doesn't want the title that goes with it, and possibly the ability to leave without there being much of an issue (legally). You need to bring up the conversation, if it's important to you. These are things you should have discussed before having a conversation to start trying for a baby..but it is what it is now. Find out where he's coming from, and try to compromise for your child's sake. He may not ever marry you, is that something you can live with?
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I wish I could be different than blunt. But I think that is not appropriate in matters of the heart (or maybe in any matter at all). I hope I am wrong, but in my heart I have no doubts that Mr In His Forties was not thinking about marrying. I seriously doubt he had ever considered having children with you (I don't know if he has them from a previous relationship). He likes you and all, but, if he were thinking of marriage, he would have suggested that long ago. He already knows what you are like.
The bad thing is that now you're at a disadvantage. The child is coming, and these are the roads you can take: stay with In His Forties under his terms, or leave him if you want to marry and he just won't. For the kid's sake, maybe you will choose to stay.
This is absolutely unfair to you. I wish things were not like this.
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female
reader, babygirllovej +, writes (31 October 2011):
 He probably doesn't want to bother with a wedding. Since he already told other people he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage it's probably true that he doesn't.
Maybe try explaining to him how important a wedding day is to you would help.
However right now you are pregnant....(congrats!) and your main concern is the baby. Having a wedding would add stress and be costly. (No matter how small the wedding.) I know you would want to have a wedding before children but the reality is you are pregnant now. Perhaps after the baby is born you can get married.
Good Luck and try not to let this get to you!
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