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41-50,
*ernergirl
writes:Ugg! I am tired of reading posts that blame the cheatee rather than the cheater. That's ridiculous! The cheater is in charge of their actions. I keep reading people cheat because they are lacking something in their relationship....that is an excuse. Cheaters have another option. They can end a relationship before the begin another one.Why are we accepting people using excuses to blame their inappropriate behavior? Does anyone else find this wrong? Reply to this Question
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reader, bernergirl +, writes (3 January 2011):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for answers. I am not judging anyone except those who cheat. I have never cheated, nor will I. I have seen it destroy people's lives. I don't even want to take on a person is in an abusive situation, they need to get out, but I think we are not giving an abusive victim to be a hero in this situation. Why is it that someone would be able to choose to go to bed with another person but can't choose to walk out the door. I am not judging just asking. (Don't get mad and send me hate mail) but it seems that people cheat and then try to excuse their behavior by trying to rationalize it.
I just think there is always another alternative to someone cheating on another person. We can explore what-ifs all day long. But it comes down to a choice. We all have them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): "I keep reading people cheat because they are lacking something in their relationship"It's true, but it doesn't mean that the person being cheated on is the problem. The problem is that there is a "problem in the relationship" that sometimes is very deep and hidden.Sometimes it is as simple as openness in the relationship from the "cheater" to their partner, and the inability to open up.Don't judge someone to harshly until you've walked a mile in their shoes. This is coming from someone who was cheated on. Some might think that I'm a pushover, but I'm far from that. My wife cheated, nearly left me for someone that it just didn't make sense with, nothing about this entire situation made sense, but when I got her medical records as part of the counseling process, and the entire story, which predated our relationship by 22 years, and started to understand the psychology I was dealing with, it was a pretty bad story.I don't ever want to walk in those shoes.Count your blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): some people cheat because they are trapped in abusive relationships and the affair partner is the one person they can trust with their safety.it can be very hard if not nearly impossible to leave an abusive relationship. This is not a normal relationship that you can "just leave if you don't want to be with your partner." Women have been murdered by their abusive husbands for trying to leave. Men have been jailed for trying to leave when the abusive wife deliberately injures herself and calls the police saying he's the one who beat her.the victim is emotionally vulnerable and messed up from the abuse they have endured at the hands of their spouse. They are the ones who are most in need of emotional nurturing and bonding yet the most trapped and unable to leave their relationship.Abusive spouses also typically isolate their partners from friends and family or anyone who would try to help them leave. Thus, victims are trapped in the relationship.Would it be any surprise that victims would be unable to resist someone new who came along, who was not abusive to them, had any semblance of a spark and who reached out to them? This is one situation where I do blame the cheatee. You don't get to physically or mentally abuse your spouse and expect them to remain loyal to you. Yet abusers don't tolerate when their partners even think of leaving, they would probably kill or maim them for trying to leave. So how can you blame an already weakened victim for falling into temptation of an affair if the situation presents itself??
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Thanks for posting bernergirl. You are one of the most sane individuals who has spoken out on this subject as of yet. You are 100000% correct. The minute a would be cheater, an actual cheater, or someone who has been cheated on... posts... the first responses out of the gate include comments concerning the deficiencies on how the cheater's needs have not been met. Entitlement, selfishness, immaturity, poor character, shortsightedness, and weird sexual issues are the real issues in my opinion.They blame their partners deficiencies for them cheating. Their partner isn't giving them enough blow jobs, not screwing enough... and if they are doing both daily ... it isn't using the right technique... Or; they aren't 'feeling' the love anymore... Or; they met someone and there is fireworks... The list goes on and on. They paint their partner as some sort of convenience store to get needs met...When the bottom line is that NO ONE was brought into this world to meet your needs... not even a spouse. That is not the role of a spouse... never has been and never will be.We marry for all sorts of reasons... But, what is the mature reason?To walk through life hand in hand with another....NOT as a resource for coping. Marriage isn't a gasoline station for coping for those who are personally lacking self esteem. Broken people drowning run to relationships or affairs as a coping mechanism because they can't handle themselves. That's the bottom line...Broken people drowning and clinging making up all sorts of excuses for dropping their drawers... they call it love. Ha!Love has to do with GIVING not GETTING. Cheaters lack morals and character. Period.It is a decision to screw someone else over because you feel like crap yourself.
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reader, bernergirl +, writes (1 January 2011):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep under cheaters "will I get over the loss or should I let 10 years of marriage go down the drain" "A female reader, jonas ? + ?, writes (31 December 2010):Usually an affair happens bcos some kind of need is not addressed. Do you know what is the prob that leads to the affair?"After anyone reads statements like this there is no way to explain it. People stop on that because they assume that was the problem. I argue that I am not close minded. But just as it is unacceptable to hit a child, or a woman. It should be unacceptable for anyone to cheat. Nag or not. Sexless or not, you need to step up and as an adult end it or mend it. People try and make a black and white situation grey. But even if I was heading into the ER and I ran a red light, I would hope they would understand but I ran the I deserve a ticket. Black and White. I don't want to hear how there is emotions, that's the same as when I see a man cheat on a pregnant wife because she gained weight on Dr.Phil. Or a woman who cheats because her husband went bald. Trust take a lifetime to build and a minute to destroy.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 January 2011):
Thanks for the follow-up, OP. But I think you´re confusing cause with excuse. There's a difference.
It is indeed true people who cheat tend do it because something´s lacking in their relationship, often sex. Now, this is a cause, a reason, but that doesn´t excuse the act itself. I haven´t heard anyone on this site (except the cheaters themselves) say this is a good excuse to do it.
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reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I think it's all down to personal opinion and there's nothing more inflammatory, guaranteed to divide opinion than personal relationships that have gone bad.
My personal, firm belief is that both parties are generally to blame, usually due to a refusal to communicate, to accept that there is a problem which needs addressing. If one or the other strays, it is an indication that the relationship isn't strong in the first place. Quite often, the 'cheatee' blindly refuses to accept or discuss problems which cause the 'cheater' some serious consternation. Therefore, out of sheer frustration, they find themselves seeking solace elsewhere.
Just my personal opinion, you understand.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I think some forms of cheating are definitely because someone selfishly wants to have sex with someone else. For whatever reason, they cannot remain monogamous and must seek attentions outside the marital bounds. Perhaps it is a character flaw in themselves that they seek self-gratification and don't care what happens to their significant others. Perhaps too, it was an indiscretion (too much to drink, for instance)
On the other hand, there is another class of cheaters, who, in my opinion, seek out others because they've been starved for affection and love. Perhaps they are married to a nag who under appreciates them. Maybe their spouse isn't interested in sex anymore -- the excuses are endless. The simple answer is for those in that situation to get a divorce, but often times that leads to more wreckage than it solves. In order to feel human and not deprived, they seek others outside of the relationship.
I think anyone who is involved with a partner that cheats owes it to themselves to look at all sides, including whether they married a selfish person or if there was some level of intimacy that was missing from their relationship.
Either way, it is an ugly situation.
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reader, bernergirl +, writes (1 January 2011):
bernergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust hit the cheaters category. And its people who say..."Usually people cheat because their relationship is lacking something." I say that is a big pile of B.S.. I have had it given to me, I think people are trying to explain things but it comes down to it is the cheaters fault. They are the ones who have issues and that is the bottom line. If anything I think in the New Year we need to stop excepting reasons or excuses to why cheaters cheat. It is as ridiculous as figuring out why thieves steal. If you are cheating ...then this should be your warning call. If your thinking about cheating well then think again. But this notion of asking if its ok to see a married man or woman...no its not. Get over it and move on. If anything we should all know our value and worth and no one is worth a half of a relationship. Just reading what some of these people are going through breaks ones heart. And it all could have been prevented. No one should have to go though this. And I think until we stop excusing or trying to explain their behavior its like we are accepting one's behavior.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 January 2011):
I don't see many posts blaming the person who was cheated on. Actually, I can't think of any. Please point out the questions you've noticed this reaction in.
Most of the posts excusing this kind of behavior come from the cheaters themselves who posted the question, not the answerers.
Also, some situations are not so black and white. There have been many people coming on here with messed up relationships were both they and their partners shared an equal amount of the blame. In these cases, it happens that people point out that the OP isn't innocent either.
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