A
male
age
41-50,
*obbsey76
writes:I ws with my partner for the last 5 years. 3 years ago things got tough as I was diagnosed with "depression" and was put on horrible, personality changing medication. 3 months ago I was dumped by email 2 days before she got back from her month trip to Germany and haven't see her since. She won't talk to me, won't see me, and has cut off all communication with me in terms of mutual friends. I can't get clsure because I have no idea what happened. The last time I spoke to hershe told me how happy she was in the relationship, how much better I was getting and how much she loved me. That was just 4 days before breaking up ith me by email. Now I can't get any closure and move on because I can't get any information out of her. Yes, things were tough, but got so much better that it was her who pointed out how happy she was now that I had my dperession all but gone. What can I do to move on?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I'm sorry I don't think she handled the break up very nicely or in a very mature way, but... maybe she did it that way to try and spare herself, mainly, of a lot of drama & heartache. That rarely works though.
If I were you, I would write her a letter (not e-mail, not phone, no text) an "honest to God" letter. Make it short and express how you feel, and what you feel you need from her to get some sort of closure. If she has any decency she will reply.
I'm thinking, however that she wasn't as happy as she said she was. A happy person doesn't break up over e-mail.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I'm really sorry to hear what you went through and what you're going through now hobbsey.
The closure you want might consist of her literally saying, "I can't tolerate your depression, I am moving on"
That's not particularly easy to say, especially to a depressed person, especially if she loves you which I think she probably does given that she stayed with you during your low moments for so long.
It sounds like this break up might have been painful for her as well and that's why she went about it in such a sudden (and cowardly) way.
However, you should acknowledge that loving a depressed person or any person with mental issues is a hard thing to do and can be extremely painful. Your partner may have felt like their love wasn't recognized or appreciated. If your problems take up a lot of space, the other person may feel neglected. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to appreciate the other people who love you.
She may have insisted she was happy in the relationship (particularly if she was prompted by you) because she didn't want to hurt your feelings or she felt she was confined to the role of boosting you up when you got down. She may have said it to try to convince herself.
I have lost friendships in my deeper bouts of depression. I have tried medication that I believe altered my personality and in some cases made me worse. After a particularly bad episode on a newer medication, I just stopped the prescriptions and got into therapy.
Medicine is no substitute for understanding your problems and human contact. I tried a couple varieties. It was long and painful, but it has really helped. Feel free to PM me about therapy. There is help out there. Best of luck to you.
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