A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do marriages fail?So many people get married, and feel that they are marrying their true love, while imagining that they will be together forever. They have relationships where the committment is "iffy" and there are lies and betrayals before marriage, yet they feel that they truly love each other and once they are married, that is when the true committment begins and truly counts...I wonder if that is a huge risk to take, and a sure way to head to divorce. I just think that if a person can't be committed in a longterm relationship before marriage, and has trouble remaining loyal then, that is showing the character of the person (especially if they never reveal their betrayal to the one they are marrying). I don't think that a person's character changes with marriage. Especially if they have been with their partner several years pre-marriage and haven't shown consistent integrity, loyalty, and committment. Isn't the pre-marraige time when people are most in love and things are the "easiest?" Am I wrong in thinking that? Are there people that do marry someone that they have betrayed and been betrayed by before marriage, who go on to have a successful marriage with that person? Even when at least one half of the couple never discloses some of the betrayals before marriage--in essence deceiving their partner into marriage?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Divorce is way too easy to get these days. A hundred years ago, you were practically an outcast if dared get one, so made do with that you had and nine times out of ten, couples tended to stick it out.
Besides, if you can live as a couple through the wars of the 20th Century, and the Great Depression, then having to go without a pack of twinkies now and then hardly seems like a big problem does it?
We have so much more freedom then our forbears ever did. And we take it for granted because we have never been without it.
We can pick and choose who wen want to date and there are no real consequences for a failed relationship, just heartbreak and money loss if you didn't get a pre-nup.
There were no pre-nups back then, so it was harder to walk away without fucking up your life severely.
Also, people rush these things. Everyone is in such a rush, that they never stop to consider how long 'forever' really is. They never consider that neither party will be young and attractive and sexually voracious by the time they are old and crinkly and their body no longer works properly.
And people find it easier now to abandon a relationship when something goes wrong (as things will always do in any relationship at some point) then it is to go the hard yards and work through it, as couples in the past have HAD to do because divorce was simply not an option for several reasons.
Flynn 24
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Marriages fail for many reasons.
The real question, which largely gets ignored as we get the salacious details about failed marriages (affairs, infidelity, money, drug abuse, children, stress, jobs, mental illness) is "why do some marriages succeed".
Well, that list is smaller...forgiveness, hope, faith, love, patience, perseverance, respect, understanding.
Love and forgiveness probably lead to all the others.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 My opinion, in a nutshell...
I think many people think that once they get married that their problems with their partner will be over,that they'll change, that they'll treat them better etc.. I don't think marriage instantly solves everyone's problems/incompatabilities that they bypassed or ignored in order to get married, thinking that they'll live happily ever after... I think overtime that marriage just amplifies many problems instead of solving them.
But I've never been married so I'm just speculating.
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male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Lack of preparation.
Beliefs in Fantasy about relationships and marriage.
Poor career and money planning. (Granma advised: "When money trouble walks in, LUV walks out" )
Poor impulse control with the mouth. (you can never really take back words)
Poor character.
Lack of commitment for getting through hard times.
Unmet expectations.
Not "forsaking all others".
In-law trouble.
Failure to commit to the other person and develop a closer bond than Kissin & huggin.
Kids ... the grind of keeping a home and kids, anxiety, stress, sheer exhaustion, and of course the inevitable disagreements on raising the kids.
Romance dies, sex dies,
You name it ... it happens.
Money trouble, Sex disagreement trouble and disagreements over kids are the big three.
His needs Her needs ... so true http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Affair-Proof-Anniversary/dp/0800717880
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Marriage absolutely doesn't change a person. Maybe temporarily, but people are who they are. I think a lot of people don't take marriage very seriously anymore and just kind of jump in. What Dirtball said, people nowadays seem a lot more willing to abandon marriages and relationships when the going gets tough.
In case you were wondering though, money still is the number one reason for divorce.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Yes, the earlier part of a relationships or "pre-marriage" is the easiest time of the relationship. Things are over-looked because there is more lust than love. But there are many reasons marriages fail. The biggest reason is because people don't truly realize what marriage is and what it includes. They get married for the wrong reasons.
Many people don't realize but there are many other factors that effect marriage failures. Teenagers for example, especially on this site, feel they are responsible enough to have sex even at a young age (13, etc). They don't realize they are taking a huge risk at getting pregnant. My point? Many, many people decide to get married just because they have a child together. That's NO reason to get married. Some people think that's doing the responsible thing and looking out for the child, but it's not. It's making a mistake in judgment even worse.
Other people are more in love with the idea of getting married. They don't stop and look at what a marriage involves and the fact that there are responsibilities.
Do people fall out of love? Do people drift apart? Sure. But it's not as common as you think. More times it's two people who got married for the wrong reasons are finally coming to the realization that they don't belong together.
There are countless other reasons and explanations for why so many marriages fail, but the biggest reason is because they got married for the wrong reasons, and thus... shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 People always change and there will always be the risk of lies or some type of sorrow. Marriage is a commitment and people usually take this to heart, changing their ways because they view it as a larger promise, something sacred because marriage IS a very sacred commitment. There is more guilt following any type of deceit when you are married but it is different with a couple who are just dating or just friends. Unless of course, they tend to treat all their relationships as equally sacred commitments which is noble but often not reciprocated.
Because of this simple fact, there is no determining a person's character. Like I said, people change. Who they are and how they act are two different things. What they think and what they do might even conflict. How they struggle with irrational and treacherous temptations does define who they are, along with how they feel about it, the regret that follows, it is all just as important as the emotions they felt beforehand.
love is often rushed into and never truly carefully felt. People don't usually think deeply enough before thinking about marriage. They rationalize and think themselves ready when in reality they are still unsure which is why you get fiancees that change their mind at the last minute or boyfriends that become promiscuous a couple of weeks before the set marriage date. They rush into it. Real love takes time and that should not be a problem if both lovers are devoted and ready to commit. They can wait for marriage until they are absolutely sure that they are ready to spend the rest of their lives together.
I know a woman who met a man at a club and at first, refused to date him but, he kept asking and asking and out of pity she agreed. Two months later, they are engaged. I do not know what the outcome of that will be. It started out wrongly and now, they are rushing much too quickly into a lifelong commitment. I know in my heart that it will not end well. Because neither of them are ready.
That is what love is isn't it? When in your mind, you know and are fully aware that there is always risk. But in your heart, you are ready to face them because you feel such a strong attachment to your loved one. Marriage should be a want to keep that flame burning, keep that spark alive and thriving for as long as you can, even if it means bleeding to keep your loved one happy and smiling and peaceful. All for the simple fact that you love them that deeply. That should give you hope that a marriage will last. You will always be afraid that one day, that spark will die out and there will be nothing left but you needn't worry if that flame is alive and well here and now. What comes later will be confronted later, and both lovers shall face it hand in hand. That is a working marriage.
I do not know why you question the potential of marriage but I can tell you that there will always be hope for those who wish for it. Marriage may not be a sure thing, but neither is divorce. Divorce is an equally large commitment because you have to be sure that there is nothing left between you. Some people get divorced and decide that it was a mistake, they find that there is still much love left between them. On one side at least.
I hope that helps.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I think that people rarely change, marriage or not. If they cheated in the past, they are likely to cheat again. Marriage doesn't magically change people. Change takes hard work and personal motivation.
I believe that many marriages fail for two reasons. First is that people rush into it. They marry their first love and then start wondering what they missed. They then either cheat or feel trapped and want out. Second is that divorce is much more socially acceptable now then it was even 30 years ago, and it was pretty acceptable then as well. It's the easy way out. Rather than work on their problems they prefer to go their own way. You also have the people who hope for change like marriage is a cure of some sort.
Still, there are people out there who believe is sticking it out. That the vows, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. still mean something to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Hey there!Interesting subject. Ive concluded myself as watching my parents go thru 9 marriages combined that each one failed because they were based on more emotion than logic. When this happens, it can cloud judgment as the mind is no doubt the tool for making good decisions. Of course it has to feel right, but also does it make sense? In what ways? I feel people fail to step back and ask big questions and analyze such a decision and you can reasonable infer from this that I think marriages are taken too lightly and not serious enough. After all if its a committment it should be given serious thought as they are serious relationships right? Infatutaion is no doubt the easy phase in any relationship. Thats because all is lovey dovey but when things settle down, the mind clicks and works as its our natural human tendencies to actually think...is this the right one?I honestly dunno what youre getting at but do hope that if this was not what you were looking for that it may at least be some food for thought.Kind regards
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