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eddie
writes:Why is it that people get involved in love triangles and feel rejected when they don't work out? Why do so many agony aunts treat the third member of the triangle as a victim?I'm tired of hearing people reccommend.... "distance yourself from him. Married men almost never leave their wives. You deserve something better." I don't understand why we treat the person invading a marriage as a victim. They are more accurately eager participants in the event. They are as selfish as the married person and contribute to the ills of our society. What they choose to do is wrong and they know it.I'm not cold hearted either. I understand that even though the relationship is based on weak ground, the cheaters create an image in their heads of entitlement. They seem to believe that their clandestine relationship has as much weight as the real marriage and family. This is where they go wrong.Nothing makes me more irritated than to hear someone complain that they were involved with a married person and now they realize it's going nowhere. Often people sympathize with them telling them that the guy (usually) is no good and dishonest. NEWS FLASH....The third person in the triangle is no good either. If you enter the situation not knowing the person is attached, that's one thing. When you find out, that's another. That should be the red flag that tells you your partner is a jerk. If you feel inclined to remain in the triangle, you also become a jerk. That is not negotiable. Do not begin to try and rationalize your partners poor behavior and blame it on his rotten marriage. The marriage belongs to him and his wife, not the third party and their desires. The marital problems should be worked out between the married people, not the lover who has a vested interest in the marriage failing. Is that not obvious?Everybody is entitled to make a poor choice. Once you realize it was a poor choice, it becomes a lesson. If you continue to make the poor choice it becomes a trait of your personality. At that point, you get what you deserve and I don't feel sorry for you. I understand your broken heart and lost love, but you planted your seed in someone else's garden. Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): well said! I particularly liked the line...once is a lesson, twice a character issue. ;)
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 As always Eddie, your articles are so truthful and I enjoy reading them. Now, if that could also be said for those under age (and not) who have sex before marriage....because we all know of the consequences that can happen for that as well. We know it will happen, however, there are better choices then romances & sex going on at 13 or so.
Again, thanks for telling it like it is. :)
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reader, rockelle +, writes (3 October 2007):
 I agree with Eddie 100%, I have answered so many post from people who are involved in scandoulous love triangles.95% of these people know that they are dealing with a person who is married or in a relationship. Anyone with comon sense would be able to figure out that they are dealing with a person who is married even if they did not offer up the information. As a married women, I get upset at some of the things that I read. In my opinion there is no excuse for sleeping with someone elses husband or wife. So many people try to justify there cheating by saying "you cant control who you fall in love with" which I think is bulls***. As human-beings we have a choice who we have relationships with and who we have sex with. That is one of the things that seperate us from animals. The purpose in being faithful is not to benefit the people in the relationship but society as a whole. How many social problems would be tremendously decreased by adults learning how to control themselves?... I can name one very important one. STD's/STI's. Everyone goes through heartbreak at some point in there lives but when you purposely contribute to the heartbreak of another there is no excuse. Marriage is a sacred commitment, that should be respected. Period.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 You are so right, Eddie. When we, agony aunts and uncles, give an opinion, we should also tell the asker what s/he got into her/himself. Not that we won't help her/him, but, we will tell the truth.
This article raises a good point. We should try to understand the whole situation, and not forget other parties involved. We should give advice that will help everyone, including those who never came to this site looking for our help.
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reader, flower girl  +, writes (29 September 2007):
 Oh i so aggree with everything you have said eddie, i certainly do not treat the women that came into my marriage and very nearly distroyed it as a victim, she new my husbabnd was married so she got what she deserved.
Take care.xx.
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reader, Just Jo +, writes (28 September 2007):
I understand eddies reasoning, and not taking away from the fact that a third party becoming involved with someone who is married, or the long term partner in a relationship, is infact the interloper.
I will add a spanner here, in that not all people are honest when they allow themselves to stray from their partner and look elsewhere. Often their are lies and deceipt, covering up the fact they are not available.
The person straying is then either a coward in not making a clean break prior to starting up another relationship, or they are looking to see if the grass is grener , wanting their cake and eating it etc etc.
We all know that if you don't know all the facts, you can be easily duped, and by then "cupid" has struck his blow, which thenbrings the third party into the charade, imagining that they will be the one to make them break away from their "cruel " other half . Not so, as we al know how this story ends, If you are found out deny deny deny , plead tempoary insanity and grovel........
In other words if they are found out they quickly see what they would be loosing and grap on firmly, or if their other half sees sense, thenthey go with their daliance, but it is only because they can't look after themselves and need someone to do for them, till they in turn wake up and smell the coffee , or their didty underwear, and want a clean break to go of with someone who is free to do as they want.
Not everything is black and white, and thats why we all need to read between the lines, andv realise that three was is and always will be a crowd.............
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reader, masquerade711 +, writes (28 September 2007):
 I must say, I'm in complete agreement with your article. Women don't put up with cheating when they're on the receiving end of it (meaning their partner is cheating). So why a woman would put another woman through that pain is beyond me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): it depends on the circumstances. if its the unattached person asking for advice then of course the advice given will be more sympathetic towards them and telling them what they should do to make themselves feel a bit better.
i agree that jumping into a "relationship" with someone who is already in one is always going to be messy and that will never be a straight forward clean union but people cant control their feelings and sometimes you want something to be true so badly you convince yourself its going to happen. i think that is true of people who are sure someone will leave their wives for them. then they found out he probably wont and it hurts. people make mistakes but i dont think anyone deserves the pain.
its not quite as black and white as you make it sound and it can be complicated.
and no, i have never been involved with someone who was in a relationship so im not saying this to justify my own actions.
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reader, Ms.Sweet dreams  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 well it is right to get a distance a mistress coz thats why there is a marriage and its sacred that will put a man and woman to commit that they will love each other for better for worst.if u r not ready to commit to be a lifetime partner of ur love then don't get married just enjoy being single and if u r sure that u really love each other and its time to get married. it's just simple question to answer.
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