A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do people keep photos of their ex'?I girl i've been seeing for almost a year keep photos albums of her ex' on her bookshelf in the living room. There must be hundreds of them. Should i be freaking out here? She gets angry if i keep anything of my ex in my house, photos, letters....
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female
reader, belladream65  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 I have a boyfriend we are about to get married in 2 month . I have noticed the difference in the way he sees things about exes I have an ex husband who I really don't communicate with because my children are old enough to be able to contact him if they need anything .... But my bf and his ex still talk a little too nice if you ask me ..... Well my point is when i came into thus relationship I got rid of all my pics with my ex not only cuz it was a bad memory but bcuz of my new love.... My bf has pics of him his ex and children which is fine with me i have no problem with it ..... But the 2 days ago I was looking for my cell when i noticed naked pics in a drawer they were pics of my bf ex naked and homemade porn ..... We been together seven yrs why would he keep these things .. his answer was he didn't kno they were there he forgot ..... How can u forget .... The thing is I can't talk to my ex because he will get very upset can u imagine if I did keep those pictures of us .... not a very fair relationship
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I agree it is the duplicity of it all. This relationship will never work because you arent on the same page about important issues..namely jealousy. And nothing destroys a relationship quicker than that.
Personally I agree with both of you having mementos. When my brother in law married his wife, she/he went thru all of his stuff and got rid of all of the pics/mementos of previous girlfriends. We arent even talking about anything sexual at all. I thought it was just really sad. I still do. I dated my hubby in three different hitches and there was a girlfriend of mine that he dated in the middle somewhere. I hated her when he dated her, but when I got him back, we resumed our friendship. Im sure there are some pics in a drawer somewhere of them, i couldnt care less. I got the man. She got the pics.
However when one keeps their tangible memories while expecting you to destroy yours....that is just wrong. She is selfish and thoughtless and really doesnt care about your feelings, just her own. You are there to stroke her ego, and i dont think yours matters to her at all. If you want a relationship that is all about her, her way or the highway, she calls the shots, she makes the rules, and changes them at will....if this sounds fun....or you think that the sex is good enough to overlook the rest...hey, then stay around. But believe me mate, it will get very old...and it wont take long.
As a whole sad to say women are more unreasonable about these things than men.
I like what Q said at the end of his last post...this is the ladder that brought her to me. That pretty much sums it up. mal
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I totally agree with Jilly. Its completely normal to keep old photos. Your girlfriend is with you and cares for you. If she has a framed ex-couple picture on the mantel piece, then that's a valid concern she may still harbour affections. Photo albums of trips, parties etc that make up a portion of her life and memories - why would you want to pretend those things didn't happen?
My ex-husband made me through away everything relating to my previous boyfriend because he was jealous and insecure of something that was in my past. He continued to be a jealous and insecure person despite me being 100% faithful and trying to be some sort of super wife, and I left when I couldn't breathe any more from his ever more controlling ways. Now I really regret throwing away all those pictures, concert tickets etc relating to my first boyfriend - not because I miss him or have had feelings for him in 8 years since I saw him, but because I have no reminders/physical memories of my time at university, backpacking trips to various exciting countries etc.
Don't make your girlfriend throw away photos to erase her past. Stop being insecure, your jealousy will push her away over time. She loves you now and wants to be with you. Fcus your energies in a positive way and make her photos of you two the ones she wants to look at the most :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I don't think it is right she is allowed ot have memoirs of her ex and past relationship and you are not.
However, I don't think it is wrong that she or you have these memoirs.
Basically, my first boyfriend was wonderful. He gave me all my firsts. He was the only bf I had a song with, innuendo's too, charms, places, photos. etc. In the end, we were more like friends than a couple- mainly because we were so young and really didn't have a clue what relationships entailed. But I can never take away the fact that he was a wonderful boyfriend. I may not have those feelings for him, but I value what we had because it was special.
Im not saying your gf doesn't still have feelings for her ex. But if you share honesty and open communication- youll trust her when she says that she doesn't feel for him that way. However, respect that he may of been very special to her in some way. He may of been apart of her life at a very hard time. Despite how it ended, she will hold a special place for him. This is not a bad thing. Don't be jealous.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 It depends on the person I guess; in my case, throwing away the pictures would mean losing something forever that can never be gotten back. I've moved on but I can't wrap my mind around the idea of my last link to the past, obliterated forever. All the memories are a part of me.
Your girlfriend is being a hypocrite, though. Why can't you have photos of your ex if she has 100s of hers? That's not fair to you.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Do you know how many exes she has had in her life? It sounds like she may have a self-esteem issue, where she's afraid that if you have pictures of your exes that you'll go back to them and leave her in the dust or something. The pictures of her exes could be a reminder of the guys who have hurt her and she doesn't want that to happen with you.
But I also agree with the others that having pictures of you with an ex is special because remembering the times they had together, or maybe it was a unique place, etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I keep pictures of my ex's because well, it was happy memories ... not like i want anything to do with the toad again but i like occasionally looking back and seeing how far i've come. I'd say her having pictures of exs is not a problem, however i have concerns about her not letting you have pictures, letters etc of exs. That seems a bit hypocritical of her :/
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A
female
reader, confusoholic  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Well....i don't think you need to be TOO concerned about this...as long as she just keeps them as memories.
But i WOULD be concerned if she talks to them on a regular basis/hangs out with them...you know what i mean, right?
And well, you should ask her why she has double standards regarding this.
Though i personally don't like keeping things that remind me of my ex bf. I really don't like remembering someone who's in the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): Okay so I'm surprised there are so many people on here that are like 'Aw it's memories why can't she have them?' WHAT? Wake up people. I don't have any pictures of my ex's. Why? Because there are no feelings for them. Even if I lost my memory I would be quite happy forgetting all about them. If you have pictures of an ex you obviously have some sort of fondness or feeling. I may have a harsh opinion but if my boyfriend had a picture of his ex I would wonder why. q1605 is totally right as well. She sounds like she expects the best while you get the rest. I would give her an ultimatum, either the pictures go or you.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I have some pictures of my ex-boyfriends that I still keep simply because they were part of my life, each one taught me something and made me a better person. I always had amicable break ups and stay in touch with some of the guys I dated in the past. Those with whom i do stay in touch, I always make sure I introduce them to my current boyfriend, so that he can be confident that other than friendship there is nothing between us.
This is the first time he dated anyone who keeps ex boyfriends as friends and at first it was strange for him, but after he interacts with them, he feels totally confident and actually becomes friendly with them.
My ex-husband just had a baby a few days ago, and we are going to the hospital together to congratulate him and his wife on the new arrival. For many people that is strange but to me it's normal. This is who I am.
He does not keep any contact with his exes because he chooses not to do it. I would have a problem with his exes only if they do not give me the respect I deserve.
The fact that your girlfriend does not let you keep anything from your past, but keeps things from hers is not right.
Cheaters are usually the ones who are jealous. That I know from experience.
Just be careful.
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A
female
reader, xXJDXx  +, writes (21 August 2010):
Personally i think if the photos are of her, her friends and her ex then that's accepable in my opinion.. But that's just my opinion, I would never solely just keep pictures of my ex.
Having said that it's still NOT a pleasent thing to see and if she's going to keep them she should keep them private!! Not out where you can see them, clearly she understands that by the way she's not 'allowed' you to keep any of your ex.
Hell my fella has group pictures on his fb account including his ex and I hate seeing them, just makes me cringe at the thought, any normal human being would.
Ask her to loose the pictures or if she must keep them to put them away. Also raise the very obvious point of the double standards!! Can't be one rule for her and another for you, that's simply just nit fair.
Good luck, JD :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I never understood why people throw away and shun pictures and items and stuff from past relationships once they are over. It was a big part of your life, why imagine it never happened? She has lots of fun times and memories in those albums, why should she get rid of all evidence of them just because she is no longer in a romantic relationship with the guy in them? I keep pictures of me with previous flames and even with people whom I am no longer friends with. It's all about good times and memories. Pictures are remnants of memories, unique one of a kind times.
I think neither of you should be angry. You both should be able to embrace that part of your lives, celebrate that you had the chance to experience it, while still moving on. Just because you have mementos of fond memories doesn't mean you don't love what you have now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping things to do with exes.
What I do think is very wrong here is the hypocrisy. It sounds like one rule for her and one for you, and that is wrong. If you have already got rid of your letters, photos, etc, then sadly there is nothing you can do, although I would also say that you shouldn't let anyone dictate to you what you can and can't keep. It's none of her business really. If you have still got them then hang on to them if you want them. It's not up to her whether you keep them or not.
If she starts making a fuss then you need to confront her about her photos, and, in particular, the double standard. Ask her why she can keep things but you can't. If she gets angry then just ignore her. Unless she has a rational argument behind it then it's not worth getting upset over.
But please don't get rid of your stuff just to keep the peace, or whatever. You won't be able to get them back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): You have a right to NOT like her past. So dump her, and do not ever look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): Your girlfriend has hundreds of photos of her ex---hmmmm..I think you probably mean a FEW, but seem like a lot to you, because they're visible.
It is very healthy to keep photos, times and places that has meant anything to you - someone you shared something special with at one-point in your life. It does NOT mean your girlfriend is harbouring deep feelings for her ex, more that she demonstrates a sentimental and emotionally mature outlook on her past.
Why should she remove her PAST...a PAST is what what makes us who we are, and in the future, exactly as one agony aunt said, when she's old and grey she want to look back on her past and reminisce about all those that mean something to her. Always keep love letters and photos, throw away bills. It from a song, and very apt!
Throw away photos or, and love letters WHY? They are a beautiful reminder of what makes us all human, LOVE and that should never be discarded because someone new in our life cant appreciate that what's gone is gone, yet the memories should be savoured and treasured.
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i threw all my old junk away and i dont need to remember the old ones, thats why i'm with the one i'm with now.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Why do people keep photo's of anything at all..
I'm sure that the pictures of her ex includes locations and events and people from her past.. people keep pictures for when they are old and they loose their memory and can't remember what they did in their past.
Do you throw all your pictures away? How will you remember what happened in your past to make you the person you are now?
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (21 August 2010):
 wow hundreds she has issues dont give her any pictures to add to your collection and break up with her...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 August 2010):
I always think it's a bad thing to keep stuff of your ex around the house. Keeping pictures, letters, etc. means that the ex still means something to you and that isn't a good impression to give to a new partner. They will always feel measured up against the one who came before them. That's not a good way to start a relationship.
She´s a hypocrite for getting angry with you and you should show her how unfair that is. Next time the subject comes up, tell her:
"You've got entire albums of your ex lingering around, enough stuff to dedicate an altar to him and I'm not allowed to have one photo? I am prepared to throw what I have away, but you have to step up to the table yourself and practice what you preach. You're a hypocrite for even getting angry with me."
Don't be a doormat.
But really, why have you tolerated this for so long? I mean, if I want to hook up with someone and they have that amount of stuff of their ex, I want them to get rid of it before I even start something.
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A
male
reader, Pazush  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Hi,
is she still in contact with the guy? or with friends of him? working together, anything?
keeping photos is ok as long as its not infront of your eyes in the livingroom... scan it into the pc is better, people has past and they dosnt have to forget all about it when they move on.
did you ask her about it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): its not fair that she can keep photos and u cant. I'll b honest with u, my boyfriend has pictures in packets of his ex, it was from a holiday in europe . When i came across them it didnt make me feel good but they wern't on display. What uv got to respect is that her ex is part of her life in the sence that she gave up however many years to him, and pictures r just memories. But wat u need to do is to tell her that its either okay or its not okay to keep pictures. She shudnt hav a rule for u and then a different one for herself.
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