A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:My family thinks we have to be married just to leave home. I don't know why, as we aren't remotely religious and not an ethnic minority. NONE of my extended family is like this at all. So why are my parents? Even the movie Failure to Launch made fun if this. If I never get married what am I supposed to live at home until I'm 35? Why do they verbally abuse me? I'm not allowed to verbally abuse them.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 why don't you leave?
do they physically restrain you?
what will they do if you move out?
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 January 2012):
 It seems to me that while they are certainly not making your life easy or pleasant, you're directing your anger at yourself [for not leaving and letting yourself be beat up] towards them as the instigators. which do you hate more, your parents' actions, or your acquiescence and growing bitterness towards it? You aren't doing yourself a favor by sticking around, so why not put an ad in the local paper for a roommate and move on?
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (22 January 2012):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not sweet. Its controlling and they're verbally abusive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): "How [do I] become more independant and not alienate them?"
You can't do both.
You can:
a.) Live the life you want
b). Live the life your family wants
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 In a way,it's kind of sweet. But as we all know indepenence is the goal in life. Just pick a date announce it and go off into the sunset(so to speak) They'll respect that more than hanging around forever.Do stay in touch though so they'll not worry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): In a perfect world, no one is supposed to verbally abuse anyone. No you're not supposed to verbally abuse them but they're not supposed to do it to you either.
your parents are control freaks. it shows in their abusiveness and their oppressiveness toward you. they probably see marriage as a way to "hand you off" to someone else who will then take over responsibility for your welfare since they don't see you as being an autonomous adult.
But you are an adult. You have the right to move out on your own. You need to stand up for yourself not by dishing back verbal abuse (it won't accomplish anything), but simply by not doing what they want anymore. Start doing what YOU want regardless of what tantrums they throw or what other verbal abuse they dish out to you. Let them get exhausted by their own anger, you just continue to do what you want to do. eventually - maybe months from now, maybe years from now - when they're finally too worn out from their own anger at you which still doesn't result in them succeeding in regaining control over you, then they will stop trying to control you. It won't stop because they finally respect you (they may never respect you since people who are controlling and abusive never will respect others because if they did they wouldn't be abusive to begin with). But they will stop trying to control you and just be quietly resentful of you, if they get sick and tired of nothing happening to their satisfaction.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I feel like some more detail and examples might be helpful to give some better advice to you.
Nevertheless, no one has any right to verbally abuse anyone. I do know, though, that when I discussed moving out with my parents, my Mom was a bit moody with me for a few days and would occasionally lash out at me. Is this what you're experiencing? I sat her down and had a talk with her. She really wasn't mad at me, but just very sad and slightly frightened at the thought of her "baby" leaving. I told her that moving out wasn't goodbye and that I never was going to just abandon her! All I wanted was to assert my independence and experience being an adult. We had a heart to heart and it really cleared things up. Perhaps this is similar to how your parents feel.
However, if you wish to move out and be more independent, that is your choice and up to you. It is your life after all! So, try to find a stable job, save up some funds, and find a place. However, I feel that you REALLY should have a serious conversation with your parents and discuss how everyone feels. It's so important to explain how moving out isn't a goodbye, but just a new phase in life sometimes. If you maturely articulate your feelings and desires, your parents will likely respect you and your decision.
Perhaps you can figure out a night as a family to always meet and do dinner once you do move out. Maybe making a couple of phone calls to Mom and Dad a week would help them feel more at ease about this once you are gone. Try to stay connected. They likely just don't want to see their baby fly the nest and just wish to protect you. Communication is key here and it is very important you make a compromise with something like the previous suggestions to strengthen the family bond.
Best of luck! :-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 No, of course you are not supposed to verbally abuse your parents, and if they verbally abuse you, - they are wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right, so keep being patient and polite until you live under their roof.
Which, I hope, won't be for much longer. Move out. Get a job if you don't have it, save some money, and rent a place by yourself or share it with other people your age. In your country it's still so easy, everybody does it. You don't even have the excuse / reason that's financially unsustainable as it is for many young people in Europe because of the recession.
I don't know why your family is so controlling and since I don't know them I can't even guess, but why asking why, is it so important ? The important thing is that you start building a fulfilling life for yourself, which you can't do if you are virtually prisoner in your house. But, the only person who's keeping you prisoner is yourself. If you want to go, nobody can stop you. You just have to make your mind up.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (18 December 2011):
What happens if you do leave, are they going to disown you? You're old enough to leave and establish some family meal nights, or move out and stay on the weekends, my sister did that for several years (and still does that maybe not every weekend anymore, i'm not sure).
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