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age
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*ata1l
writes:So, I need some love and support tonight, friends. I am 54 and been on my own for over 3 years since my last break up. Last November, I made a promise to myself to really give online dating a chance, and to put myself out there and take risks. And I have. I have met 7 men in person since then. And yes, I rejected 6 of the men for reasons that had nothing to do with shallow criteria, such as looks, car, etc. I rejected them because they refused to work, drank too much, made comments about other women's bodies right in front of me, etc. I consider those real reasons to not want to see someone again. Well, last Friday a gentleman I had been talking to suddenly said, have you ate dinner yet? Normally I would not agree to a spur of the moment get together, but I was on vacation and had just been sitting there wondering what I was going to do for dinner, so I accepted. In my online ad, I am very honest about my apperance, saying that I am not fat, but definitely not skinny, msybe a little pleasantly plump. I go to the gym 6 days a week, mind you, but I am just one of those people who are always going to be curvy, and I also have large breasts. His ad did say he prefers small women with small breasts. I thought that he meant short women, (I am 5'3), and I communicated to him that I am not skinny or small breasted, but his ad said a good heart was most important. Well, we met, he bought me dinner at a family restaurant, and even though he was not movie star handsome by a long shot, he was a hard worker and did charity work, and I thought I had finally met a quality person. We talked a lot and seemed to get along. Well, I did not hear from him since then, but since he is a truck driver, I assumed that he was driving. I look at new online ads today, and he has a new one up (I can tell it is his because of the height, weight, 197 pounds exactly, really?, eye color, occupation, etc.) and he specifies that he is looking for a THIN woman. He knew that I was not thin before we met. I did not get my hopes up that high, as I know how online dating can be, but I feel rejected and that he was not honest with me. And to not give me a chance because I need to lose 20 pounds or so seems unfair. I have learned finding love is hard, and you can't always have it in the packaging you want. I know I should just move on and not take it personally, but he was the first one I have met in 6 months that had potential. Please, advice, kind words, whatever you have. I am so tired of men in my age group expecting slim blondes with no wrinkles or flaws. I am a pleasantly plump brunette with flaws!
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (25 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, Serpico, I don't know if I buy all of what you say, but you do provoke thought. But I still beleive we as humans, men or women, are at our best when we are at our least base. Anyway, thanks for an intelligent response.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 July 2012):
katall -I am sorry - I do realize I spoke of age rather than weight, but I do believe they are related.I dont believe your example about how many partners a man or woman can have in a day is relevant, since how many partners a woman can have in a 24 hour period was clearly not a deciding factor in how successful her offspring will be.Similarly, your comment about Viagra is also off target. As we have developed, life span has increased far past that of our ancestors. A few thousand years ago, a 40 year old man was the most senior of citizens. Today he is just catching his stride, but physical characteristics dont change as fast as life span. This is one reason you are seeing more Alzheimers cases than ever before. Its not that the disease is "new," its that we're now living to the point where it effects more people. Same thing for ED. Last, I dont see evolution (or "human nature as you put it)as something were "put here to overcome," nor have I ever heard of someone claming as such. Evolution is just set of conditions that were retained to make our survival the most likely, nothing more and nothing less. There is nothing intrinsically "good" or "bad" about it, it just is. If the current set of evolutionary factors become outdated, they will also change overtime because, again, what will survive and be passed on is what makes our survival the most likely.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (19 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSort of off topic, Serpico, since age was not part of the discussion here, but I value your opinion. For the record, I have a neighbor who is 30, works on my car and will not accept payment, and we hang out often. I am sure that he would be open to a relationship. But I ain't kiddin myself. The young is for the young, male or female. I work with several gals in their late 20's, and they laugh at the men in their 40's and 50's, that hit on them, but they at least wait until the men leave before they die laughing. Gotta protect that male ego, I guess. I think women have been fed a bill of goods regarding that. Women do not have to worry about erectile dysfunction, and as long as they have access to lubricant, they are ready to go. Sorry to get so blunt, but men seem to need hear this kind of bluntness. As far as needing many different partners, as men say they do and women do not, even the most virile 20 year old man could probably only partner up maybe 10, maximum 12 times in one day. Women, even though no sane and moral woman would want to, are capable physically of having up to 25 or more partners in one day, with little recuperation time. So don't go getting all evolutionary on me, dear sir. Human nature is what we were put here to overcome!
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 July 2012):
Short and blunt answer - because they CAN.
To generalize, our evolution dictates our drives. With that, men are visual creatures and look for beauty/health to reproduce with, and most inconveniently often as many as possible. Conversely, woman need to look a bit deeper, that is, for a man who has the ability to provide for her and her offspring.
Fast forward to the modern day, society has changed but we are still a product of our evolutionary pasts. With that, it could be argued that when men hit middle age, they are in fact in their most desireable phase to many women. They are hitting their prime earning years, they act more mature than when they were in their 20s, and they often still retain much of their looks. In fact, Ive lost count on how many younger woman have told me they they LOVE men with salt & pepper hair. (Full disclosure - I DONT have it! Im 44 but still have a full head of brown hair. From what Ive heard, I sometimes wish it would grey a bit....) I think its because of the phenomenon described above.
On the flip side, with mens more simplistic desire structure, younger women are typically more desireable to us. Since everything in life is about taking the best of the options available to you, all other things being equal older men of means will typically choose a younger woman given the choice.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (19 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my goodness, anonymous female, thanks for the laugh. I guess you saw the(typical) male responses below. But I figured it out. I try to learn something from every experience. Here is what I decided: Why in the world did I even answer an ad that a man placed demanding a certain size body or body part? What smart woman even wants to spend time with a man who objectifies women like that? What, is he like 13 instead of 57? No, I met him, he is supposedly mature. Oh, well let him find a woman who dosen't mind being looked at as a collection of correctly sized body parts. There are more evolved men out there, and I am in no hurry. I never even specity in my ads what someone should look like or what body type is preferred. I think good character, ethics, and attitude is really what matters in partner bottom line. I read a book 20 years ago that suggested that men were going to make themselves obselete by their behavior within 1 or 2 generations. I laughed then, but now I find myself wondering. But there are some that have evolved!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): He wants a THIN woman? At his age he better not want a particular type or he is going to end this life very alone. Why would he want anyway a very thin around 50. They could be very scary looking, all wrinkly with sagging skin, hanging boobs, loose skin. Skininess doesn't work very well with age.
Typical men. CAn't see himself in a mirror, but want a hottie next to him.
O ,well, everyone entitled to dream.
You ll find yourself someone valuable just don't give up. Curves are sexy and beatifull and very natural. I m not overweight, 135 lb, and fit, and tell you the truth I don't like thin men.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (17 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd just for the record,when I rejected the men I rejected, I was very kind and considerate, saying upfront that I felt no chemistry, that I was probably not what they were looking for, etc. I never said to a one of them, You are lazy, drunk, ugly, not good enough. Honest but tactful. I was not hypocritical and expecting things that I could not offer myself.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (17 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I appreciate all the input, but Dr., I rejected the 6 men for things they CHOSE to do, like drink heavily, refuse to work, etc. I have NEVER rejected someone for how they look, which is not something you choose. As long as they were clean and presentable, I thought other things were more important. And I was upfront with this guy. I feel that I represented myself very well. As far as gaming communities, well, I live in a very mixed community, and there are absolutely no groups that gather except ones I would not be interested in. I would love a gaming group, book club, dance classes, etc. I won't risk being politically incorrect, but here is a melting pot, with many many people not even speaking English. I cannot afford to relocate right now, so it is what it is. I do go to the Senior Center for dinners and dances, but there are 20 women for every 1 man, and he is usually paired with someone. I swim at the Rec center weekly, and go to the gym every day. Working 6 days a week makes it hard to broaden my horizons. I go out and do karaoke now and then, also. Nothing. I work in a beauty shop, so I do keep up my appearance, hair, etc. And most of our customers are senior citizen women. Nothing wrong with that, but not a target rich environment. A couple of the ladies have tried to match me up with their sons, but in both cases, the son had not had a job in over 2 years, and no income, and no motivation to get a job. I do require at the least someone that is trying to support themselves, being as I work 2 jobs, I figure they should be able to find at least 1 within a 2 year time span. So forgive my frustration. I really miss companionship and to be honest, sex, but my religion and conscience does not allow promiscuity. I have been told that I am fun to be with, and I know that I have faults, but I am doing the best I can.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2012):
 I’m 52 so right in your age range. I’m not stunning… I could stand to lose 10-20 pounds. But having been 300 pounds a few years ago, 20 seems like nothing… I’m NORMAL sized and at just under 5’3” I’m “fun sized” too. And yet at my large size I still had tons of men interested in me... I was married at the time so it was not an option.
I agree with what LanceMerryweather said… it’s not a personal slap to you, it was a personality thing.. he gave you a shot.. and it was not there for him…
At least he didn’t string you along and hope it worked out or that you would put out for him….
I’m going to suggest that you maybe consider broadening your search. I’m with a guy now, he’s quite flawed as I am but we fit well together and are less broken as a couple than as individuals.
He’s much younger than I am. At our age younger men are still well established and mature… my fiancé is 39…
Other than online dating sites where are you going and what are you doing to open yourself up to meeting men?
If you like board games I can tell you a great place to meet men is at gaming communities… We are a huge group of folks.. many of us are open and loving and receptive to all types of people (since most of us are lousy with social skills) and most of us are very BRIGHT… it’s like a meeting of the Asperger’s Brain Trust Society at a gaming convention.
I met my fiancé at one…. I so strongly recommend the gaming community for women that want to meet intelligent tolerant men…. Granted, they may not be the most handsome but they are kind, and intelligent and quirky and tolerant…
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male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Well it seems to me that YOU are the one hung up on looks - your own.
The guy who took you to dinner was stating his PREFERENCE, which is quite normal and in order, but being non-shallow, decided to give you a chance. As far as he was concerned, there was a personality mis-match and moved on, end of.
And as someone else pointed out, what about the guys YOU rejected - how must THEY feel? They don't know what they've done wrong. What you perceive as "shallow" may be someone else's bright, cheery, don't-give-a-damn type.
All down to personalities, see?
Good luck.
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female
reader, kata1l +, writes (17 July 2012):
kata1l is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for all the insightful and thought provoking answers, especially from anonymous female, I almost cried after reading your touching and caring answer. I will move on and keep trying, it just gets so tiring when I am ready to accept a man as he is as long as he has a good heart, and I keep getting judged for not being a "Barbie" doll. I will keep the faith, though. Thanks again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): You just have to meet a lot more men until you find the right one. Online dating can be a nightmare sometimes but it can also be great. If you're being honest about everything than it's not your fault at all and you don't want to date some guy who only wants skinny perfect women when he himself isn't even very attractive. Guys usually want gorgeous women just to feel better about their own insecurity. Even if you're really thin and gorgeous, a lot of guys will still end up treating you like garbage.. it really has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with individual personalities.
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 you rejected 6 men and only one rejected you. don't get hung up about why just go looking some more. most people are not attracted to most people so you have to accept that there will some rejections both ways.
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female
reader, lovely10  +, writes (17 July 2012):
Oh Honey dont give up, I am plump with big breasts and have meet men from online dating, the first guy I thought could be it and that I thought was nice rejected me, but not because I was plump but because I had no confidence! because I saw myself as fat!! he told me this later and now we are friends and I now see that I only liked him because I thought he was the best I could do.After research online and reading mens bloggs I came to the conclusion that a Man wants a Woman with her head held hign, with a wiggle in her walk, with confidence!! this shook me, so i decided to fake it till I could make it..the change in the way Men look at me is massive, and now I do feel confident... I have meet 4 men online im friends with all of them now dating one of them, still got some wrinkles to iron out, but he calls me beautiful every day. Goodluck remember you are beautiful just hold your head high xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): I am sorry you are going through this. Online dating sites can be really rough sometimes. Like navigating through shark infested waters. Especially when you are more mature. You expect men in your age group to be more mature and be able to look past the fact that not all women are size 0 barbie doll types. Especially in the older age group.The reality is that looks are very important to men but not all men. And women also have standards of their physical type, too. But I think that men are far more picky when it comes to physical looks. I just thought that when they are older, they were less focused on looks and more on the total package. Because what they don't get is that looks fade and that isn't what makes a person. In time a person with a great personality, someone who can make you laugh and have meaningful conversations with can grow on you if you just give them a chance. A woman can have looks but she may not have anything else going for her. If this is what he wants, why would you want to even be with such a shallow and clueless individual? And what makes this guy think a thin and beautiful woman would even think twice about looking at him? Like he is some big prize in the looks department himself? That is what gets me. These middle aged men who are overweight themselves and no prince charming by any stretch, expect to get the super model types. Are they out of their minds?Don't ever let anyone ever bring you down. You are special and you have many unique qualities about you worth appreciating. If he does not see that, then he is stupid. And he is not the right one for you. A man will come along who will see all the beautiful things that you are. Not all beautiful people come in small packages. Some beautiful people come in larger packages. But what counts most is that they are beautiful on the inside. There are many attractive people out there with the ugliest personalities and the smallest hearts. It takes a special and worthwhile man to really know your heart. Unfortunately, it will take time to find him. I know it isn't easy. You start to take things personally and lose your confidence. But don't do that. Never retreat into your shell because of someone else's standards or opinions of you. What matters is your opinion of yourself and just say screw you to this person and move on.It's okay to be alone rather than with Mr. Fill the Void. Please don't place your self worth on anyone else's shoulders. You need to feel good about yourself regardless of anyone else. If someone doesn't like me, I could not give a crap. I just move on.Have a sense of humour and say oh well, another one bites the dust. HIS LOSS. NOT MINE.I would try not to take any of it personally. I know it is reality but don't let it break you. Try to keep positive and enjoy going out with some friends. He may find you when you least expect it. Keep laughing and appreciating your blessings. We all have them. Just continue to live your life to its fullest. No man should never define your life or how happy you are.Good for you for going to the gym. Keep it up! If you want to lose a few pounds and feel better about yourself, go for it! It may give you the confidence boost you need right now. But do it for yourself, nobody else.Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
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