A
female
age
30-35,
*lostmyself
writes:I keep cheating on my boyfriend. It's as simple as that. I feel like crap, it's happened twice and i've told him twice. The real problem is that I keep flirting and looking for more outside attention. Me and him don't spend very much time together since I moved. It's not that I don't love him, because I do, very much, but I keep looking for the outside attention and I don't know why. Could someone please tell me why I'm doing this and what can be done to stop it?
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female
reader, dearjohn83  +, writes (17 April 2010):
Hi,
I just read your situation and honestly when I was your age my first long term boyfriend was exactly like that. It seems that you want a boyfriend that stands up to you or at least a bit more assertive.
Obviously he's a nice guy but not the guy for you. You are still young and there are more things out there. I know everyone's situation is different but thinking back now if I stayed with my first boyfriend I wouldve been miserable. You seem outgoing and fun so you won't be lonely and if you think about it yourself you probably know you want to break up with him. Just think that its helping the hurt in the future if you do asap.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): You need to break up with him. You have probably caused him more heartbreak than you could imagine. I would know, because ive been down that road.
Being cheated on is the worst feeling in the world, and now you've done it twice. I have no sympathy for you, and i think you need to focus on yourself not just "Having Fun" but bettering yourself as a human being. Learn some self respect, and ESPECIALLY learn to respect whoever you choose to be in a fully committed relationship with.
Break up with him. Tell him its because you cant stand the guilt you've put upon yourself. Im sure he will be okay with it, because his feelings are probably diminished from the cheating you've done.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (16 April 2010):
 okay...I have the same deal. well i dont cheat but I flirt soo much more now that I'm seeing the one guy I wanted to date for so long. the only thing I feel bad for is leading the other guys on, but flirting isn't wrong (its ok to keep options open) but if you are making out with these guys then you are treating your boyfriend badly, maybe try to spend more time with him, either on the phone, commuting to eachother.
maybe go buy a vibrator?
or even try making some girl friends, I know it helps me when I can't see my boyfriend for awhile to have girls nights out :)
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Hey look the fact that you are aware of this behaviour and want to do something about it says to me that you are a mostly decent human being. My advice is for you not to make friends with any more guys until you have this sorted. Bring out your gutsy inner woman and say thanks but I'm OK to walk home. Rely on yourself to get things done rather than enlisting a male to help you.
What is your relationship like with your father? Maybe you cling to male attention because you feel neglected by your father? I seriously think therapy is the answer because you need to really examine this with someone who is completely impartial.
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A
female
reader, Isa123 +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Cheating and yet you still love him? Hmmmm...
If he won't man up to end with you, do it yourself.
Is he gibing you enough attention? Because it looks like you keep going to the outside.
I'm sorry, I can't believe you truly "love him" if you keep doing this to him.
Drop the "I don't know what to do" act and STOP. CHEATING.
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A
female
reader, ilostmyself +, writes (16 April 2010):
ilostmyself is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm honestly looking for no sympathy from anyone. I'm just wondering if there could be a reason why I look for attention from other guys. It's never random guys, it's always someone I've been friends with for quite a while and then the stupid little feelings start to show up. I didn't come here to be attacked by anyone or look for sympathy, I'm just confused.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): You keep doing it because you want to, and because he puts up with it. break up out of respect for him, since he seems like a pretty good guy. Get some self respect while youre at it. People that respect themselves don't sleep around while in a relationship.
Im sorry, but I cannot muster the sympathy you want to hear. Cheaters are cheaters. Drop the "I just dont know what to do" act.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Learn to control yourself and set boundaries for yourself. Just because you CAN do someting doesn't mean you CAN'T. You are fully capable of thinking twice and you know the difference between right and wrong. There's really no excuse. If you don't have enough self-control then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Save him the heartache.
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A
female
reader, ilostmyself +, writes (15 April 2010):
ilostmyself is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried getting him to break up with me over it. After I told him about both times I felt like such a bitch that I wanted him to break up with me. Kept telling him that he needs to man up and stop letting me walk all over him. I'm not cheating to the point of sex (the first time it was but he forgave me for reasons i understand), just shameless flirting and the second and most recent time (about three weeks ago) I made out with a friend. I have suggested the whole flirt with other girls thing, but he doesn't want to, plus he doesn't find himself attractive enough for it to be well received. I honestly don't want to end it, it would end my world if he broke up with me, but maybe I do need to get this checked in behavior therapy. It seems that my biggest problem is when I have platonic relationships. I become particularly attached to my male friends, especially the ones that take care of me by driving me home from school or walk me home just to turn around and go back, and I find things getting out of hand with them, just the flirting getting more personal and intense. Nothing physical but the whole act of flirting gets my head somewhere else and I feel like that is even cheating.
More advice would be greatly appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (15 April 2010):
I give you props for telling him. Many would not. I don't think it's a matter of how much you love him. You just want attention from multiple guys I guess. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's more common among men than women, but other women are like that too. Would you be okay with him seeking attention from other women? If so, suggest it to him. If not, break up with him because it seems clear this is your true nature for now.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (15 April 2010):
What I'm wondering is why your boyfriend has stayed with you to this point? You need to examine this behaviour in therapy. Something has happened to you in the past that has made you needy for any attention you can get. Trying to get attention in this way is destructive and will end up in heartache.
Have you ever tried drama? This is a very good way to channel thoughts and feelings. Can you join a drama group I think you will find it effective.
Please do everything in your power to stop getting attention through sex. Ban yourself from it and stick to it.
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A
male
reader, Myau +, writes (15 April 2010):
 Firstly you need to make some friends, non sexual relationships are very important and you need both to be happy.
Secondly if you are cheating on him quite alot perhaps you don't really want to be with him, so do him a favour and end it.
A little single time to understand yourself better would be a great advantage
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 April 2010):
I think you have to end it with him and have fun. You could be lonely, or perhaps there is something in your past that prevents you from committing totally. The main point is that you don't love him enough because you cheat. If you really loved him that much, you just wouldn't cheat. I think you need to end it, and I think you need to focus on your own life and have fun for now.
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