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female
age
41-50,
*azzy3477
writes:why did my boyfriend get so mad last night?? maybe because its not true or its true... we dated since 1998 and i want to know why we aren't married.. so i was reading 25 ways to know hes not that into you and he got almost all of them. i let him know about the last one i read it out loud and laughed and he got really mad.. it said if he says he don't beleave in marrige or have any problems with planing on marring you then he ain't into you. and it said he would marry some just not you.. he got so mad he told me lets breakup now and he said i hate you get out.. i said the roads are bad i can't now i will tomorrow then he said stay here don't go... Reply to this Question
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reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Sounds like you really may not know what is going on his head. Has he ever had any intention of marrying you?
But I think this is besides the point at this point in time. You need to do with reality and how important it is to get married TO HIM.
Frankly, even if he does an about face and wants to marry you tomorrow, do you really want to marry him?
That he teases you is just demeaning and disrespectful, not to mention tactless, to say the least. Knowing this, I take back my suggestion that you consider asking him to marry you.
Did he let you know far in advance of his not wanting to be married or get married.
However, more importantly, you need to look at yourself and ask yourself what you want out of life and if this guy is going to be a part of it. You need to realize that while he may be a certain way and/or has certain views, you have also decided to stay together with him this whole time. So, you need to take responsibility for that. You have a choice, but you have been exercising it by choosing to stay with him.
So the question is WHY?
Are you afraid to break up with him? Are you afraid to be 'alone' (although I don't consider not being in a relationship alone as it is commonly used). Do you think there is no one better for you?
I think you have some serious thinking to do and only you know what you truly feel about your boyfriend (who doesn't even sound like a boyfriend really) but based on what you've given us, there is much to be desired and he does not appear to be marriage material. Why you would even want to be married to this guy is most concerning in my opinion and what really concerns me about you.
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female
reader, jazzy3477 +, writes (19 January 2011):
jazzy3477 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i dont know if he loves me and i always had this problem but he does things that makes me feel unloved. oh and we did breakup for 2 years so really we was together for 10. he dont spend money on me anymore, he didnt buy me a christmas gift this past christmas, he teases me about breaking up and i really think he does that to have some control.. he teases me about breaking up when i say we should breakup. i do think of leaving him because of my thoughts i have about him not loveing me. and i have told him and he dont take it seiously.. he hardly says he loves me maybe once or twice a week,but he always did that.
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male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (19 January 2011):
You obviously struck a nerve with him. But, I don't think we have enough to go on in order to understand what is going on his head when you said what you did. However, regardless of what the situation is, his reaction was extreme and uncalled for because I think you have every right to wonder what he is thinking. But this begs the question, have you not discussed this topic as a couple? What has he said? Is there a reason behind him not wanting to get married? Has there been any infidelity or trust issues in the relationship? Are you financially stable?
I would question what your relationship is like. Are you living as if you were married? Do you go on vacations together? Do you discuss future goals together? Do you share your finances? If this is case, then perhaps you are already effectively living like a married couple. But if it is important to you then I think you have every right to be concerned considering the amount of time you have been together. If he doesn't know you by now, will he ever?
Or do you feel like you're in limbo? Do you want children but are not sure if you want to have them outside of marriage? Are things okay in the bedroom? Do you feel your life is not progressing the way you want it to?
It would appear that you need to communicate your concerns in an adult and respectful manner in order to figure out if this relationship is satisfying your needs as I do not think your concerns are at all unreasonable. You need to get to the bottom of this otherwise you may find yourself more miserable and in the same situation years from now. And I hate to say it, but you're not getting any younger and if you feel the need to end the relationship, then the pickings may be a little slimmer. Alternatively, you may have to decide how important is it for you to be married (especially if other aspects of the relationship are satisfying).
Alternatively, if you think this guy is the one, which frankly only you know how you feel about him, is there anything preventing you from asking him to marry you? That'll be one way to get an answer and possibly force him to man up and make an official commitment to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): He probably hates being reduced to a profile in a self help book. I suspect that if it's been 12 years you've dated and you feel comfortbable reading it aloud to him, marriage is not a make of break issue to you.
Some of these relationship books marketed to women are pretty useless. Ever read "The Rules"? It basically asks women to assume a passive role in dating, never ask a man out, never offer to pay for yourself, the goal of which is to find a man "worthy of marriage." Perhaps they work for some, but I felt they didn't really allow for independance on the woman's end. Perhaps the people who wrote "25 ways to know hes not that into you" are trying to select the sort of man who wouldn't appeal to you anyway?
...these are some of reasons I don't trust self help literature. Maybe lay off the self-help books (at least with him) and try to talk to him about it if marriage is really an issue to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I myself was in something similar and yes he ended us which i am relieved as after years of being together marriage and happiness was all i wanted but he did not now im single and enjoying it and whom knows what may come if i am lucky enough to find a man who will want marrriage and happiness just as i do
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (18 January 2011):
 At this point, you might be common law married anyway, but I'm with Dirtball. He could be committed, faithful, in love, and looking forward to growing old with you without wanting an expensive ceremony. Besides, those lists are rubbish.
But after 12 years, I doubt he's gonna marry now. You might have to pick between a ring and your guy.
(That said, a woman in my office got married after twenty years of living with ber boyfriend. It happens, but it's rare.)
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Some people simply don't believe in marriage as an institution. The more failed marriages I see, the more I'm in that boat.
Honestly, 12 years together is longer than most marriages these days. You have to decide what you want, and what you want to fight for. If this is something you want to fight for, then you should. It sounds like it will cost you this relationship, but if you're not really happy because it's not going where you want it to anyway...
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female
reader, LostInMyself +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I would not be with someone that gets enraged and throws me out for something so silly. If he doesnt beilvie in marriage you should respect that. Dont you wish to be married with someone that actually DESIRES it with all of their hearts?
But to be honest, I would not be with someone that I have to tell him to not kick me out because the roads are bad. Knowing me I would have gone out like that, or even stayed outside his house, and never returned. A guys that tells me he hates me and throws me out for something so silly is not my definition of love.
Do you feel respected? Would you like to be married to that? Think about it. do you still love him?
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male
reader, faenon  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 seriously have you guys been full on together since 98? thats 12years of your love life wasted I tend to go by if he hasnt married you after 3 to 5yrs he isnt going to bother if your good enough to be lived with your good enough to be married to imo op.
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