A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:himy boyfriend of 20 months has never realy had much interest in sex with me or anyone else. so he says ,he said pasionate kissing is only for kids,although he is very cuddly and always pecks me thats it, i found out 6 months ago he had a week of mad sex with his ex why i was away, he said he did it for closure he needed to find out if he still loved her or not. he says he doesnt and came back to me.now i need to know should i stay with him or leave him.he also says he loves me but doesnt think he,l ever fall IN LOVE again with anyone..help girls please.he assures me he will never be un faithfull again . he says its nothing to do with having sex with his ex that he hasnt had sex with me since its just that he doesnt want it ,.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
 :) what's this? positive thinking? i think you you should write those things down on a nice piece of paper and keep it close by, read it to yourself often
good luck and stay strong xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni came home just over 3 yrs ago but its been the last 12 months she got this ill and 9 months i found out why i was always in pain..
hink i am clutching onto hope cause he just said he could treat me better than he does and could have sex with me but cause i winged about it he,s not touched me..i know ive got to get rid of him , your right im as far flat out as i can be , i used to be the life an sole of the party now i cant even find the energy for a shower most days..i felt great talking to all you today and now ive seen and spoke to him im all upset and crying again, confused and hurting..he,knows what he,s doing doesnt he ? i wouldnt have stood for this 5yrs ago and i shouldnt now..im a good woman and deserve better i no that i just dont seen to get it.everyone seems to take advantage one way or another.im too soft..im gonna try hard to cry him out my system tonight why mom has nurse and i wont answere the phone again..wish me luck and i wouldnt have got this far without you.thankyou so much . you,v been like an angel i wish you were close enough to me to run to lol..x
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
i think your own intuition is telling you things but you are not listening to it. you are doubting yourself all the time and that is understandable, the caring 24/7 for your mum, your fibromyalgia, your isolation, your problems with him must all have you ground into the dirt and no confidence left to believe in your own thoughts, you are easy prey for him to cajole, brainwash even. i think he is a selfish swine. he says he came back to you coz you needed him, it would be lovely to believe that.
you really don't seem like you are strong enough to leave him at the moment and all you are doing now is clutching onto every last little crumb of 'hope' that he throws your way. so having said that, if you wanna stay with him for the time being until you can be ready to start living your life again, then stay.
just don't hope for happiness or emotional security and contentment so at least you won't be disappointed. i don't know how long you have been looking after your mum but you are an angel for doing it, you deserve some happiness at the end of this, so i hope that you WILL move abroad
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe actusly said that he only had me back because he new i needed him because mom rapidly got worse the week i was away, and then he said he was going to tell me but new i was already hurting enough over mom. an in the time after he decided he wanted to stay with me so was frightened then to tell me incase i left him..do you think he,s making this up or frightened of getting hurt him self x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
yes a coffee would br great in the day but no she cant be left , to be honest im just playing a waiting game with mom,she,s lucky to be here now but i know it isnt for much longer , i think its coming to the end of her fight now, and the marie curie dont come till10pm so its a bit late then to go visiting and sometimes im that tired or in pain (i have fybromyalgia)i have to wear morphine patches and they make me feel ill most of the time but they shift the pain,but most of them go tobed early to get kids up and if they go out its 10.30 b4 i can get there its nearly home time an if i stay out im tired next day its one bad circle an i guess i just have to stick it for now,with or without him..thanks for your advice qand im not dissmissing it i think i just need convincing of what i already know..he has watched mom but she has to be changed an he cant do that she cant have a catheter for medical reasons and i do it about every 3 hours and turn her so as not to get sore but he has helped with her a lot its just me he wont help . i think he,s worried when she passes im going back abroad which were my original plans x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
i do get help with mom a couple of times of week from marie curie nurses they help 10pm till 7am so at least i get 2 night rest a week as mom is up a lot in the night i dont have any family to help so thats it . i moved back from spain 3 yrs ago to look after mom so most of my friends are there i was there 15 yrs and the friends here are married and busy with own lives..
he is good with mom and maybe im painting him wrong , he says i cause the arguments by being silly and jealous but i was never like this b4..my heads in bits is it love i wonder or desperation and lonelyness..i dont know how to decide and am so greatfull of you for helping me. xxx and please you know who you are dont worry for me im ok just confused im a tough un but just feeling weak right now x
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
of course he wants you to stop thinking about 'that week'. if it was a one off heat of the moment thing i suppose it would be 'acceptable' but it wasn't a spare of the moment silly mistake....
he waited until you are on holiday
he finished with you
he had hatched this plan (stupid notion - if this is even the truth): "if i have sex with her again i will know if i love her still or not" (CLOSURE? i've heard it all now!)
and this is what he did for an entire week, a man who will not even kiss you let alone have sex with you.
it was premeditated.
and then he didn't even fess up, you found out 6 months later. look he has probably got good qualities, i am not saying he hasn't but what you need to do now is figure out if those good qualities outweigh the above information. and do NOT base this on what he SAYS to you, he has already proved he is dishonest, base your judgement on what he does.
i am sorry to say this and i honestly don't mean any malice towards you but i think you are only with him because you are desperate for a man/relationship/to not be on your own.
you need to somehow get a life, and that goes for whether you kick him out or not, can your mum be left for any amount of time unsupervised by you? is she well enough to go to a day centre? if so, get yourself a hobby that gets you out, or a little part time job even something voluntary like in a charity shop or volunteering in a hospital in the cafe or visiting patients even, just SOMETHING that gets you out of those same four walls and gets you back into LIFE. coz this is the weakness of yours that he is playing on, he KNOWS that he is all you have got, your only link to the outside world sometimes and therefore he knows that he is in a STRONG position to treat you how ever the hell he pleases.
if you do decide to stay with him, don't expect too much from him. he has already told you not to, but by the same token: don't you give too much of yourself to him either, just use him for support with your mum, leave him in the house to look after her while you get out and get a bit of a life for yourself. just because your friends have got kids, you can still see them, why do feel you can't is it because you only want to see them for nights out? wouldn't a cup of coffee and chat with a friend in the day time lift your spirits any?
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
he has now asked to talk he says he dont know the future but he is happy and happy to stay with me forever, but never will marry or fall in love again.]said i have to drop that week he spent with the ex as he is sorry and he will never do anything like that again .about the sex he said he has his moments which i know he does and he is a great lover very un-selfish but i just get the feeling he wont kiss me because he doesnt want to get intermat because that will bring us closer..do you think thats possible,?
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
:( i sympathise entirely, you must me so so lonely, do you not have any friends at the moment? or family that you could see and that would help out with your mum?
it is so easy for us to say to you 'leave him' but we are not the ones who will be left alone and feeling isolated. do you not feel though that living with him is a lonely existence? plus you have the fear that you cannot trust him.
i would suggest to you that you see your doctor and ask for a referral for counselling to address your low self esteem. you CAN live without him and you CAN make a good life that fulfils you, you just don't seem to have the confidence to realise that.
i don't like the part of your update that tells us he goes to the pub near her house and when you have asked him not to he brushes you off as 'silly'. he doesn't give a monkey's does he? :(
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
he now wants to carry on and says that you never know what the future holds he said he might fall in love with me , he said he,s happy with me and wont betray me again and he could see his self with me the rest of his life..
it was the first time he,d seen his ex since she had left but do you all think that it will happen again ? he goes to the pub oppersit her home i ask him not to but he tells me to not be silly..i cant get out as i look after my mom who is bed-ridden she,s 87 ..tell me please what should i do..some days if i dont see him i dont see anyone x
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
hi
no no no! a) he's a cheeky sod b) you don't have to shag someone again to check if you still got feelings (especially if he is 'not into sex')(oh and especially when you in a relationship with someone else for 20 months!) and c) i'm sorry but i would be unsure if he is telling the truth when he says that he has decided he doesn't love her any more so YOU can have him now - you lucky lady! :/
i know its hard luv, but what advice would YOU give to ME if i had posted the same story that you have??
he doesn't seem to have much respect for you if he is happy to jeopordise the relationship with you, and he doesn't seem to find you fanciable either if he has no interest in sex with you, and he CAN'T use his age or ability as an excuse because he was perfectly able to do it with her.
i'm sorry, if i sound harsh but i honestly think you should get rid of him coz i can't see that you can be happy with him and have peace of mind after he has done this
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much for all your help,but i have to say in his defence i know he,s never been great on sex and his ex took off abroad after being with him 4.5 yrs..he called me while i was away to say he didnt want a relationship anymore with me an that was the week he saw the ex.it was the first time he,d bumped into her since she left. when i was due back he said he realised what he done and sent her packing..and he never thought i would find out but i found out 6 months later..i think your all right ..but i think he does care for me but not enough and i still need some help from you guys to convince me because this is hurting so bad i just dont know what to do.. i havent seen him for a week and he,s been calling but i havent answered the phone because i no if i do he,l come down my house and we,l just fall back in where we left off.. he,s not a bad man ive known him 25 yrs and it is out of norm for him to betray he usually hates that kind of thing. x do you still all think the same now ive told you a little more about him ? thanks guys this is helping me so much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much for all your help,but i have to say in his defence i know he,s never been great on sex and his ex took off abroad after being with him 4.5 yrs..he called me while i was away to say he didnt want a relationship anymore with me an theat was the week he saw the ex. when i was due back he said he realised what he done and sent her packing..but i found out 6 months later..i think your all right ..i think he does care for me but not enough and i still need some help from you guys to convince me because this is hurting so bad i just dont know what to do x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much for all your help,but i have to say in his defence i know he,s never been great on sex and his ex took off abroad after being with him 4.5 yrs..he called me while i was away to say he didnt want a relationship anymore with me an theat was the week he saw the ex. when i was due back he said he realised what he done and sent her packing..but i found out 6 months later..i think your all right ..i think he does care for me but not enough and i still need some help from you guys to convince me because this is hurting so bad i just dont know what to do x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I'm still reeling from the 'WEEK' bit.
Good god, dump this fellow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Wow, you're swallowing alot of bull! So he had sex to get closure eh? Well that's good for him, and that closure took a week, and if he loved you so much, you didn't figure to much in his mind while he was having so much fun. It's even more insulting to say he doesn't want sex with you but he loves you and he goes off and has sex with someone else..for a week! Thats not very respectful to you and doesn't do much to make one feel desired does it? You can do better than this lying clown, and that's coming from a man. There's always someone better than a scum bag!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): a WEEK of sex with his ex for 'closure'?? Honey, move on and find a man who respects you! Lots of love!
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A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Weak! He had sex, a LOT of sex, with an ex girlfriend that he still has feelings for, but won't sleep with you and says he will never be in love with you. It doesn't sound like he has any value as a boyfriend or a man. If you stay with him, realize that the only sex he'll be having is with other women. (Excuses are cheap, and if he needs a week of sex with another girl to decide whether he wants to be with you, then he's not worth your time.)
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 January 2011):
 My dear, you're letting him manipulate you, hurt your feels and feel bad about yourself!
You're a grown woman with lots of life experience, look at this as it is and make the right decision for yourself.
1. He rarely has sex with you ( so you're going to be stuck in a sexless relationship).
2. Says he will never fall in love again (meaning he's not in love with you)
3. Had a week of sex with an ex while you were away (ultimate betrayal of the heart. It wasn't even a one moment he slipped up, it was a whole week of making a conscious decision to be intimate emotionally/physically with someone).
4. Says he needed to go through this to see if he loved her (umm, he had been dating you for 14 months already? Generally, people can figure these things out by NOT sleeping with someone! For men sex and love don't mix. He just wanted sex with another woman, lets say it the way it is).
In all, he is very manipulative. Has a great way of twisting things around to make it seem more justifiable when in reality he did a terrible thing to you. And the thing that gets me is, he is telling you that he's not in love with you (never will be again)!!
Sometimes, we have to look at peoples actions to get a clear understanding of how they feel for us. He's actions speak volumes. His words are the nail in the coffin, heh's not in love with you.
Why put yourself through this? There are so many men out there, this one doesn't sound like he's worth it - not the way its hurting you and affecting your confidence.
Life is too short. Get your feelings together and make a rational decision to leave him. He's not worth another minute.
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