A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend, her husband and I have been friends since the 10th grade. My friend and I both got married 2 years after we left high school. I got divorced and they remained married. Throughout the 16 yrs that they've been married they both have called me about problems between them and I have always just listened and remained neutral. Well just recently we all made plans to go out but at the last minute she said she wasn't going. So her husband and I took off to have a good time. Well I got really drunk and couldn't drive so he told me he would bring me to their other house that was closer to where we were. Ok no problem. We get there and I'm laying across the couch on my stomach. He comes over and says friend to friend I'll give you a massage. This is normal for him to do and say. No alarms are raised. It went from him massaging me to kissing my neck, now why I didn't react? This is still messing with me. Needless to say we had sex. He stated that he wanted to see me again, i agreed but was thinking hell no this is wrong. I went home as drunk as i was and literally beat myself up all night.I don't know why this happened, why did I allow it to happen? Or what to from here? I can't tell her and I know he won't, but what's bothering me is that I know. I have been distant from my best friend because I can't look her in the face. I betrayed her
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best friend, divorce, drunk, friend's husband, kissing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 August 2012):
I cant add more than what Stacy63 said.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): I was in a similar but different situation. I had my girlfriend and her best friend staying for the weekend. I'd given up my bed to them and was sleeping on the futon downstairs. We'd all been drinking and my girlfriend went to bed early (normal for her).
Her friend and I stayed up to watch a film and she ended up coming on to me and got a bit aggressive when I said no. She ended up pinning me down and trying to have sex with me. I actually had to throw her off and went to wake my girlfriend up. At the time I didn't want to start trouble so kept quiet about it and just said she was out of control and could she come down and sort her out.
The following day after they'd left, I had to phone my girlfriend and let her know what was happening. The guilt was eating me up and I had to come clean. Her response was 'Oh she's allways trying to sleep with my boyfriends, she's tried it on with the last three'!
However even though her friend had tried this before and I'd stopped things before anything happened, it would still be thrown at me in arguments. Apparently I must have given her some signals that I was interested and that's why she came on to me!
I think if I had my time over I'd have kept quiet about it, but then these things do have habit of coming out on their own. I think all you can really do, is to drift apart from them over time. If you tell her you'll lose a friend anyway, so better to just let the friendship die.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): do as sunilal says. forget it happened, and don't do it again. if neccessary stay away from these friends if you cannot resist the husband. finally for gods sake don't tell the wife! you will only destroy their marriage.and don't punish yourself. mistakes do happen. just don't repeat them.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (19 August 2012):
 And I find sunilal's advice deplorable.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (19 August 2012):
This is a very sad dilemma to be in for sure. I'm not sure where to start so I'm sure I'll end up jumping all over the place. To answer your first question I think you didn't stop it from happening because you were drunk and probably have some attraction to him. I was in a very similar situation about 4 years ago but it was with my sister's boyfriend. I was very, very drunk. He offered to take me home while my sister stayed in bed because she was also drunk. It's slightly foggy as to why he stayed in the house and didn't immediately leave. But I ended up on the couch as you did, got a massage that went beyond a massage. I did stop him from going all the way but far too much happened that's for sure that definitely constituted cheating.
After I woke up the next day, because immediately afterwards I didn't even think about what had happened as I was too drunk, I wondered why I allowed it to happen. I know I was lonely and I never thought of him in anyway since he is her boyfriend but I did think he was attractive. I think I was more succeptable to having it happen being drunk. And I realize it is seen as an excuse but it would've never happened otherwise. So you may find if you really think about it that's why you let it happen as well, small amount of attraction and loneliness. Or you may have more feelings for him than you realize.
The after math- I knew I had to tell my sister and did so within a couple days time. At first she was furious with him and blew up on him. Then she was furious with us both and didn't speak to me for a long time. She blamed me as much as him for what happened, as your friend will probably do. When I told my sister it was because it's the right thing to do as well as for her knowledge that her boyfriend is capable of doing this to her.
The fact that your friends husband tried to set it up again means he is a cheater. Not a one time accident, he is trying to have an affair. Your friend needs to know this. It will be hard and she will be mad and hurt like hell, but how can you live with yourself if you didn't tell her? Her husband would probably cheat again since he felt no remorse and tried to have it continue. Could you really have your friend go through that? You need to sit down wih her and tell her you made a horrible mistake, you were drunk that night and things happened that shouldn't have. If she never talks to you again because of this that's understandable but atleast you are a good and decent person. People make mistakes, it's how you handle it afterwards that makes you good or bad. She needs to know what her husband is and get out of the marriage or get counseling. If she chooses to put all her pain and anger and fault on you and not her husband when he was the sober one and HE tried to continue an affair then she is an idiot. But your conscience is clear and you have given her all the facts to do with them what she will.
Don't be surprised if he husband denies wanting to meet up again or tries to claim he was drunk and doesn't remember. That's what happened in my situation. My sister has since forgiven me and after trying to date the boyfriend again after the incident has broken up with him and moved on. I had just apologized profusely and telling her instantly helped I'm sure. I can't imagine where I'd be if I had said nothing because it was never an option, as it shouldn't be for you. Talk to your friend as soon as possible.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 I think they make rap songs about this typical scenario... BLAME THE ALCOHOL. Wise up with your use of that and youll have things under control. Now, its best to come clean and be honest with your friend. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 First off women these days are soo possessive about their boyfriends,let alone their husbands..they would never ever be comfortable letting their husbands out with another woman for an over night stay and your best friend did,which clearly shows she trusted both you and her husband and you both betrayed her..!You'v known her since childhood and the last thing you would want is being the 'other woman' in your best friends marriage..it's really sad that her husband made a move on you knowing how close you and his wife are,and you let him take advantage knowing it was your bestfriends husband..Now your hiding from her,isn't that unfair to your best friend..you do the wrong and now you cut yourself from her and she would wonder why are you being distant..If you are a true friend,rather than hiding go up to her and tell her what you did,you may lose a friend but isn't that better than dying of guilt..may be what's better now is you move away from both of them,and let them work it..Sum up the courage and tell your best friend she deserves to know,how would you feel if your husband slept with your best friend and both of them are hiding it from you?this is a very very tricky situation if not acted upon fast it can ruin the lifes of many..Good luck x
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A
male
reader, sunilal  +, writes (19 August 2012):
do not worry! all you did was indulged in sex. for you being alone for these days it is a requirement. in a drunken state it happened. as a matter of fact if friend come to now about it she will not be easy.
do not feel guilty about this. but from now try not to disturb your friends' relationship. be easy yourself and love your friends as before.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 Drunk or not...yes you betrayed her. He clearly took advantage, for whatever reason and whichever way you look at it, there probably will never be a recovery from this.
You can either avoid them from now on but leave her confused as to why you are withdrawing friendship or you can tell her and have her throw you out of her life (which I am sure she will do... you will get the blame, he won't)
Whichever way you go, you should definitely avoid him because he is predatory, does not care about his wife and does not care about what he has done (nice friend)
Why did you do it?...
Maybe you are a little jealous of their relationship?
Maybe you have an underlying fear of a committed relationship again?
Who knows...the fact is, you could have stopped it, but you didn't...and if you did stop it, then you also ran the risk of him getting annoyed and angry and accusing you.
I think the best course of action would be to come clean, take the heat and then move on from this friendship...at least you will be able to look yourself in the face.
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