A
female
age
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*ick and tired
writes:I need help.I am a 50year old divorced women. I went through a horrible time with my divorce that took years of my life away from me. I have tried to put one foot in front of the other in the dating world. I did not have success with online dating. I have a lot of guys showing interest but have not met the right one. I had a date with a guy tonight, on paper he is perfect. I have been on five dates and do not feel the chemistry. I am worried I will be alone . Do I keep trying and hope the chemistry will surface. Do I have unrealistic expectations at my age of wanting some chemistry. I am disappointed, I had fun but did not want to kiss him goodbye. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Stick at it and you will eventually meet someone with whom there's chemistry. It's a numbers game, and on average you need to date more than only 5 people til you find someone you really hit it off with.
A
female
reader, sick and tired +, writes (19 August 2012):
sick and tired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous. People think I am younger too.I have worked out all my life and it has helped . I meet a lot of women that project negativity because they feel insecure. Hence, we do not become invisible but more confident , happier and want less bs in our lives. You are right a lot of it is the signals we are putting out. I guess, I was wondering is it unrealistic to expect sparks. Of course Aunty Em said it is a smolder, my sex drive is high. I just am waiting for the right one. Good Luck and I hope you meet a wonderful man. Thank you Caring guy for such a thoughtful, response. I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): Of course it's not hopeless, there is a guy out there who you would definitely feel a spark for.
I must want to talk abbot invisibility issue. I m a few years from 50, but I do look very young. I have absolutely no wrinkles, let me brag, some people think I'm in my 30 s.
I noticed lately that not much interaction going on with guys. When I started analyzing this, I realized it's not them, its me. I'm getting older, I don't feel like silly flirting anymore. They still talk to me, but I don't show any enthusiasm that much anymore.
One day, I don't know what happened, I felt very flirty and pretty. I put a short dress on, did more mAkeup than ussual, went with a male friend to this nice place where we sat outside.
He would get up and go looking around at pretty girls, I was talking to this person and that around me.
Despite the fact that I was with a guy, and no one knew what relation we had, 3 guys approached me, one of them was really cute, and the other two also letvme say dating material.
I went home wondering, why tonight I was suddenly very popular. And my conclusion was because I wanted it. And it showed in my eyes, body language.
It's all within us, and men react to it. Of course we got into different age category, and probably teenagers or guys in their 20s would find us to be their mothers age, so what? It doesn't mean we become invisible to the rest of male population:)
good luck to you. I strongly believe that there are guys out there who you will feel spark with.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 August 2012):
 It's good news if you get lots of male attention, because it optimizes your chance of running into someone special whom you might make a relationship with or even a good friendship.
When I say invisible, what I mean is that women our age usually have to try a little harder to be seen and caring guy is right, dating in your 20's is very different to dating in your 50's (although I am not quite there yet myself). Also the playing field is a lot smaller, less available men with a suitability and a desire to be in a relationship which makes things tougher.
You, it seems have no problem meeting and dating, but finding someone you feel that spark with seems to be missing. I do not think it's unrealistic to expect that, maybe it just takes a little more time to get to know someone well enough to begin to feel the spark...maybe it becomes more of a smoulder as we age lol!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 August 2012):
Well you're clearly not invisible, otherwise guys wouldn't be hitting on you. I don't think at all that it's true that women become invisible after a certain age.
I think what does change is the way the people meet each other. Let's face facts, you're less likely to put on a short skirt, high heels and go out to a nightclub 'on the pull' when you're in your 40s/50's than you are when you're in your 20's. You're not going to get drunk. You probably have to work longer hours etc.
So, what you have to do now is to look at this a different way. To be fair, you have gone online and tried to meet guys, which is a start, even if in my opinion not the best option.
You will find that there are other guys out there in the same area as you that probably feel the same way. But, they're less likely to be online, and more likely to be at clubs, classes etc.
So, sit down and think about your life. What do you like doing? Acting? Singing? Photography? Sailing? Think of some hobbies or dreams that you want to fulfill, and do them. That way, you're doing something that you like to do, and you're also increasing your chances of meeting someone you have lots in common with. That's two things that will ensure that your mind is taken away from the idea of being alone.
On that note, also remember that there is nothing wrong with being alone, so long are your living a full life and you're happy (hence why you should be throwing yourself into hobbies more)
As to the guy you've met over 5 dates - if you're not feeling chemistry after 3 dates, then it's probably not going to happen. So move on from him.
Finally, be careful what you post online. AuntyEm is right that you need to be honest, but you also need to be very, very careful.
Don't say that you have low esteem. Don't say that you fear a life of loneliness. Do not in any way put yourself down, because it will open you up to some unpleasant people who will go out of their way to put on an act, only to treat you badly. Saying that you have low self esteem could attract a user. Saying that you fear a life of loneliness might make you seem needy.
Instead, say something along the lines of
"I'm 50, divorced and I'm looking for a new guy to share my life with. I am(put a physical description of yourself here and be honest!).
I am (put all your feelings here - are you a little shy, are you kind, generous etc)
I enjoy (put all your hobbies here).
This will give them a picture of you. Do not put any sexual things down (you don't want to make it easy for creeps).
Then create a checklist for the guy. Something along the lines of:
I'm looking for (give a general physical description)
who is (give description of feelings/emotions - kindness, humour etc).
Also, does he need to be good with kids?
And does he need to be a particular religion?
Make sure this isn't too long, and don't go on and on about how you're looking for a life partner - you don't want to seem needy.
Both these lists will make it easier for a decent guy to read, and harder for a crap guy. A decent guy will read through what you have to say and will be able to see whether he likes you, or whether he is what you're looking for. And a crap guy will see that because you know what you want, you're less likely to be fooled.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Miss Marble +, writes (19 August 2012):
 "I am disappointed".......I think that's your problem. When dating you have expectations,sometimes they are there even if we don't set them.The other person also has expectations and the date is either a success or a failure. I guess what I am trying to say is you need to know what it is you are actually looking for. The first thing you have to do is know what you want. Why are you dating? You have to know what you’re looking for. If you are dating to find a lifetime partner, you’re going to want to date people who are looking for the same thing. If you’re dating several people hoping to find the right one, you don’t want to keep going out with someone looking for a lifetime partner. That’s how things get awkward and people get hurt.Communication is key,never assume anything, Be upfront with what you want and on the same page.It sounds like you and this date are not on the same page and are looking for different things. Good luck ,I hope you find Mr Right.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 August 2012):
 HiAs you have a lot of options and still get hit on then why just 'settle'? He sounds like he would make a great friend for you but not partner from what you say.I don't know if chemistry still happens, or love just grows from respect and friendship.Don't be so 'aware' of men, when one is really interested he will avidly persue you and who knows, he may just be your future.
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A
female
reader, sick and tired +, writes (19 August 2012):
sick and tired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty Em. I am sorry you feel invisible. I do not at all. I get a lot of attention from men. It is hard to meet the right one though. I went on five dates with this man in particular and have not felt the desire to kiss him although is is a great guy. I did not know whether to go out with him again or not. I get hit up on a lot, whether in the grocery store , a lot of places. Usually it is in passing. I do not think it is nice for a women to project to another women they become I visible. It makes you sound insecure.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 August 2012):
I think, after a certain age women become invisible so it becomes so much harder to impress and even harder to find the right partner.
If you have been through an unpleasant marriage and divorce it's a natural thing to raise the bar a little and expect more from potential partners and if you don't meet anyone to fulfil that role it can be very frustrating.
To be fair, you only had 5 dates and if you expected to meet Mr Right within those 5, it is a little unrealistic.
Internet dating is fine but often the instant attraction is absent, people talk and exchange photos and build up a perfect picture before they meet the other person, this often leads to dissapointment as many of us know withing the first few seconds of meeting face to face, if that person is a good match.
It is really cliche to say, try hobbies and try to get to know people through your interests...lets be honest when you are a woman of a certain age, you usually have to spend all your time working your butt off to pay the bills and don't often have time to keep hobbies going (they can also be expensive).
I think one of the crucial things about making a dating profile is to be very very honest about how you feel. If you are shy or have a little low self esteem or fear a life of loneliness, I don't think it's wrong to state that...it will help to bring you into contact with men who feel the same, so maybe you will have more in common.
It is all a gamble and there are no guarantees, but if you really long to be with someone I can see no reason to stop trying.
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