A
female
age
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*herRox
writes:Here's my story: I met a guy online. We were actually both trying to get off SpeedDate because we were fed up with online dating, it just wasn't working. We started up a conversation and it took off like a rocket. We fell in love, fell IN love and after 3 weeks I went to visit him in Seattle. Something happened. My feelings were the same, because I fell in love with the person, the heart and soul...not the physical (although we sent a lot of pics back and forth to each other, so no surprises). We talked for hours and hours every night and emailed each other constantly throughout the day amidst our busy schedules. He told me that he didn't feel it 'click' between us. My heart shattered and is still broken. I should know what to do by now (God knows I've both experienced enough in my life and read enough on the topic), but I'm so lost. He thinks we can move forward and be the best of friends. I'm thinking not, because my feelings for him haven't changed and I'm not stupid..I don't think. I'm confused and torn as to what to do. We were, and told each other that we were each others soul mates. There were NO red flags, which I am all over, and we really, really 'got' each other. Finally we had met each other and I was going to move there and live and work with him. Why did he shift gears so quickly? Why wouldn't he even want to TRY and work things out? We have/had the foundation, rock solid, that people only dream of having. Please help me. I am so, so sad. Advice? I'll take any...He plays in a band and wants me to come see him in a couple weeks, but I don't know if I can. A big part of me wants to, but then like I said..my feelings are the same..his are not. If he had any answers for me, I wouldn't be writing this. But he can't seem to give me any, and I so want closure..who doesn't? I know he isn't seeing anyone else. We both loved each other madly..before he wanted to be 'just friends' all of a sudden..and so FAST! I was there for 4 days and he told me the very next afternoon! Oh, please help me. I really need it.....thanks. Sher
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): You don't have to be friends with this guy, nor do you have to go to his performance. In fact, considering how emotionally raw you are, I wouldn't suggest it. You won't enjoy it, you'll only pretend to.
There is no shame in telling him you don't want to see him because it's painful for you.
Tell him something along the lines of:
"I still have feelings for you, you obviously don't after meeting me, and it will take me a while to get over that. I'm not ready to see you."
If he has any capacity for empathy he'll understand why.
I do hope you feel better.
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Ok well first of all, you can't fall "in love" in 3 weeks online. You don't know the person and even knowing someone in person, you cannot fall in love in 3 weeks. What you did have was an extreme infatuation. It happened to me in the past. Online relationships can seem a lot more intense for some reason. Like the other person is closer and gets you more. I can't explain why. I hate to say it but it sounds to me like once he saw you his mind changed. Unless there is more you are not sharing, like a giant load you dropped on him (pregnant, have a child and he didn't know, married etc). So perhaps you were not his type or not what he was expecting. I mean think about it logically, what has changed aside from seeing you face to face for his mind to go from in love to friends?
The thing with dating online is that no matter how many pictures or webcam chats you do, the person just doesn't look identical to what you saw. Never does. I must have gone on a date with at least 10 guys I met online first. Made sure to see more than one picture of each, webcam chatted when possible. Yet was completely surprised every time when meeting them. They could be bigger, smaller, taller, uglier, anything that you just weren't imagining. It is shallow, but what can you expect from a guy you talked to for only 3 weeks? And the fact that he won't tell you why he changed his mind so suddenly and he wants to be best friends seals the deal in my opinion. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings but does still genuinely like you as a person so would love to stay friends.
I guess to further my example of not knowing what someone looks like... My current boyfriend and I met online. I had about 15 pictures. They all looked like me in my opinion, he said they all looked different. They were taken over a span of 5 years, but did have current ones. We also had a webcam chat the night before meeting in person. The lighting was a bit dim so I looked like I was in black and white and I was sitting on a bed. Even though I had told him beforehand that I was 5'3 it is sometimes hard to picture exactly. So when we met he saw I was short and super tiny, even seeing pictures couldn't prepare him for everything. And although they were pleasant surprises, sometimes they are not.
Once again, you could have said something else that you didn't share with us that had him running for the hills relationship-wise. But if you honestly can't think of a single thing and he won't tell you, I would have to say he was just not into you in person. I would not go to see his band or talk to him at all in any case. You like him a great deal and he doesn't feel the same. Seeing him would hurt you more so don't do it to yourself. You can explain that to him if you want to or just stop talking. Give yourself a bit of time to realize it was an infatuation and move on. It will be okay. Plenty of guys out there who would appreciate such a deep connection :)
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reader, TEM +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I know things are fast in this age of speed dating, but this relationship actually did move too fast. From reading what you wrote, you didn't take enough time to get to know each other before you went out to visit him. Three weeks is not long enough.
He sounds like a guy that is in love with being in love. He was infatuated, but then reality hit, and it was another story. He probably got cold feet when you made plans to move out there, live, and work with him.
He wants to be friends, hmm. It sounds more like he wants you to be his fan, not his girlfriend, or even friend. It is very hard to be friends with someone for whom you have romantic feelings. That is a recipe for heartache. Don't set yourself up for that.
The truth is probably that he fell head over heals, because he loves being in love, but then realized he made a mistake. He's not ready to make the commitment he said he would make. You can ask him, "Why?" but don't expect to get an honest answer. I'm afraid you won't get the closure you seek. I think he's just fickle.
You'll have to just try to get over this. I know it hurts, but you don't have that much time invested in the relationship at this point. Just try to keep busy. Be glad you didn't settle yourself out there only to find he wanted to be just friends.
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reader, SherRox +, writes (6 February 2011):
SherRox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your feedback. I really appreciate how everyone jumped to the plate! :) Time healing...well, I sure wish it would hurry! I feel so horrible..and so depressed.
Again, thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Hi OP, well chatting online and actually meeting in person are two totally different things. I'm guessing that he had an idea of who you were when chatting online but when he met you in person you weren't who he thought you'd be.
Now, don't take that as an insult because it isn't meant as one men can be very fickle and for whatever reason the reality didn't live up to the fantasy of who he thought you were.
3 weeks is no where near long enough to even call somebody a friend let alone fall in love with them.
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reader, Blonde68  +, writes (6 February 2011):
I really wish I could work men out... they are seriously strange creatures!
I have had similar experiences with men that I have met online, and I really am confused. They text, email, msn, skype for weeks on end and normally the ones who instigate it all, but for some bizzare reason they suddenly go into their man caves and make us women look needy and pathetic and then eventually they contact you and say they would just like to be friends.
I really don't know what to advise on this, other than you are not alone... perhaps it is something to do with our age ... I have even made it clear.. I don't want to marry you, I don't want your children and I doubt I would ever want to live with you, but they still run a mile...
I think he may be just another mixed up man who just won't admit it!
With time you will get over it hun... time is the only healer. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): One thing is meet someone else at the internet, and one thing is face to face, and if he said he didn't feel the "click"..believe him. Don't force the things. A least he is being honest with you and you know that is very difficult to find at this time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): oh dear, it seems that when you went to see him it just wasnt right for him, plain and simple, why did he change his mind, he, like you were caught up in the emotions and then in real life it didnt match to his expectations. so, hes not for you there will be someone who is.
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reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Okay, three weeks and just online are two parts of this story that you should really take a step back and be objective about.
First of all, one of the significant problems with online dating is that there are a million intangibles that can only be determined in person that make or break that chemistry and connection that two people need to be in a relationship.
Attitude, subtle behavior, habits, how they interact with others, energy level, authenticity, reality (height, weight, looks...), and so many other things.
If you are capable of actually believing you could fall in love with another person you have never actually met, and only known for a few weeks, then you need to seriously reevaluate how you go about finding a significant other. Remember, there are no outside objective influences involved that can confirm ANYTHING the other person has told you.
Did he say he was neat, on time to meetings, and had great personal hygiene? How do you know that? Did his mom confirm it? His best friend? Your experience over the past few years of coming by his place?
People can say absolutely anything they want about themselves, and will often say whatever they think will increase their chances of getting attention.
You may even be guilty of this yourself. Perhaps you fudged a little on your description, weight, confidence level, well-roundedness, or any of a hundred other things. And when he met you he realized you were not what you advertised. I know this may sound mean, but is it possible?
Because I would have to question whether someone truly is happy and living a fulfilling life if they have ended up falling in love with someone they have never met and only known for three weeks.
Essentially, you fell in love with him because of words he said to you, and that is really it. So already you know that you are too susceptible to what someone tells you.
And please take this in a constructive way, because you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. And maybe that happiness and fulfillment won't come from another person, but from within.
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reader, SherRox +, writes (6 February 2011):
SherRox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for writing back...
I just don't know! That's the million dollar question in my mind. I wrote exactly everything that went on, so I didn't leave anything out...we were both madly in love! And when you are doing this online or on the phone I know you have to be careful..but like I said, there were absolutely no red flags. How can someone's feelings change like that so fast, especially when everything was/seemed perfect..no misconceptions, no misrepresentations. It was was it was. Beautiful and a first time for such a bond for the both of us!Man...I told him that it would be nice if we could stick to the plan..me moving there and work on this..but no, that's not what he wants. Honestly there is nothing more to the story that I can think of.....I've said everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): What were his reasons for changing his mind? There is more to this story that you're not telling.
I hate to break it to you but if this guy had fallen in love with you he wouldn't have just changed his mind about wanting to be with you.
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