A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been great friends (with a guy) for 13 year. We almost got together once when I was eighteen, but I decided against it because I didnt want to lose a friend if anything went wrong. He's in the navy but whenever he's back we would get together and we'd keep in contact while he was away. I recently got engaged messaged him to tell him the news, later that day I realised that he had deleted me as a friend on facebook and wouldn't answer my messages. I was upset and didnt understand. Then recently I saw him in town and asked him about it, he said that he'd just neede a break from facebook and had deactivated his account, and hadnt got my messages. I know he lied. I still don't understand, and I miss my friend. Why did he do this and is there any way back??
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Of course you can have friends other than your fiance, and it is no problem that they are male.
However when a male friend (who you have had a rather close history with) who has feelings for you ends the friendship, then you shouldnt fight to hold onto it.
Yes you have known him a long time, but it sounds like there has always been more than friendship here and your 'friend' has shown his true colours now, because he obivously is upset about you getting engaged.
I guess he will have felt that even though you have had a boyfriend all these years, one day maybe you two would get together. Now you are getting married his hope of you getting together is gone, therefore he will need some time to get over it. He may never be able to get over it - who knows.
When you are married it isnt wise to continue a friendship with a man who has feelings for you anyway, so as I said before while it is ok to have platonic male friends, having a friend that feels more than simple friendship is not appropriate, and that is what has happened here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasn't just sn internet/facebook friendship. We have known each other since seconary school. We hung around in a group and he's as much my friend now as every other person in that group still is (female and male). Facebook was just one of the tools we used to stay in touch, it was not the most important part of this story. My fince is my best friend, but does that mean I have to have no other friends? It seems very edwardian to say that I must give up all other friends that are male for the sake of my marriage, and my fiance has not asked me to do so.
Thank you all for your advice. I'll just have to wait and see if he can overcome this. x
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A
female
reader, Realitycheck  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Shouldn't your future husband fill the role your friend once filled for you? First of all, I suspect your male "friend" doesn't see the needs to keep in touch now that you're off the market. Men and women can rarely be friends because one of them almost always wants to have sex with the other one and I'm guessing in this equation your friend might've secretly hoped for that. Now that you've shared your big news he knows it's never going to happen and he has no need for a friendship that isn't going anywhere. (He has his male friends for that). And secondly why are you so upset about this? Aren't you getting married to someone you love more than anyone else? Doesn't your husband deserve to have you exclusively to himself? Why should he have to share you with another man? Even if it's only on the internet, you are still forming and keeping an emotional bond with another man. You tell him funny jokes. You write him when you're feeling down. You share big things that are going on in your life. You are emotionally connected to another man and that's not fair to your fiance. Marriage is about forsaking all others. I think your friend did you a big favor by cutting you lose. You should now devote yourself to the man your planning to marry and make him your #1 friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): He probably had some feelings for you and was holding out hope that some day you may get together, so when you got engaged it hurts him and that's why he has to not be friends anymore. If you're a true friend, you will understand that it hurts him too much and allow him his space. will there be a way back? well, just as he was holding out hope for you to get together some day, now you can hold out hope that the friendship can resume some day. and if not, you'll just have to accept it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): He obviously hoped that there was still a chance for you two to get together & is hurt by your resent engagement.
Put yourself in his shoes would you not be hurting if it was the other way around?
It's good that you have spoken to him face to face.
You will just have to accept that he doesn't want you on his facebook.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Eh, it's Facebook. Let it go. Maybe he'll come around, if not, then how good of a friend was he really to begin with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): I would say he held out hope that something might happen with you. He told you this story about deactivating his account to save face. Let him be. You are engaged. Sometimes you lose friends when you get engaged or married but make new ones. Maybe he thought it would be hard to continue the friendship now you have a partner. It is just they way of life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
 He wanted more than friends and held out hope you would change your mind.
My ex husband lost most of his friends online (they were all women who he considered friends who thought he was something more)... he was shocked that it happened...
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (13 March 2012):
 He had feelings for you all these years. He had hoped and hoped that maybe one day if he kept hanging around you might one day let him be your boyfriend. Then suddenly you got engaged and he finally realised that his hope had gone. That's why he deleted you and has gone. He cant hang around while you are engaged as he wants you and it is too painful and hard for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, i'm the OP' Jmtmj There was no accusations, I just mentioned that I hadn't been able to find him on facebook and asked if he was okay, the times I messaged him were through text messaging. And i've been with my fiance for 6 years and he has hung out with us both so he has already seen most of the 'huggy' photos.
Thanks Starlight and k_c100, your'e right maybe I will have to just let him go. It just seems a shame to throw away a good friendship.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 He doesn't want to see photos of you all happy and couple-y... he'll probably be friends with you face to face, but if you're a true friend- you'll understand that he may have been carrying a bit of a "maybe one day" candle for you at some stage during your friendship.
He's either hurting or perhaps he just doesn't want to have the possibility of being dragged down every-time he opens facebook. If you're a true friend you won't bring up this facebook thing again... FACEBOOK IS GAY. Its not a representation of real life. Give him time, let him go or ask to meet up and do something with him face to face... but don't get all accusatory on him.
There may be a way back- there may not, only time will tell.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (13 March 2012):
 This friend of yours obviously liked you more than you thought.
He obviously does not wish to keep in contact anymore until he resolves his feelings for you , you dont have much choice but to let him be.
Goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, when I say we 'Got together' I mean as friends, there was never anything sexual apart from the one kiss i mentioned when I was eighteen, we just went out for drinks with a group of other 'old' friends.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2012):
Because obviously he has feelings for you and is upset that you are engaged.
Perhaps he thought one day you would be together, so now you have got engaged it has finally dawned on him how he really felt about you and it hurts him that you love someone else, not him.
There is no way back I'm afraid, this wasnt a real friendship as there were always more feelings involved than simply 'just friends'. You said you got together every time he came back from the Navy, so clearly there were stronger feelings at play here.
Accept that this part of your life is over, you have your fiance now and I'm sure you have plenty of other friends. Maybe if you give him space he might want to be friends again one day, but if he does have feelings for you it is going to be painful to ever see you with your fiance (or husband once you are married) so he may never want to have that rubbed in his face.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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