A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I lied to my husband of 7 years about bills I was paying for my adult/college daugther (her car payment and cell phone)who is 1000 miles away from home,and credit cards I had that I paid for my husband found out and now it has turned into all out hell..he has involved his sisters into our personal business. He has asked me to leave our home and I refuse, he willn't forgive me and can't seem to get past I lied to him or kept things from him. he sleeps in the same room with me but hasn't made love to me in over 40 days and doesn't seem like he ever will again. I have never cheated on this man and have always been faithful and a devoted wife. I have three children that are very hurt by the way he is treating me and we are all confused as to why he can't forgive and how he can say he loves me but doesn't act like it. i am at the end of my rope...... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): I have always given my brother THOUSANDS of rands: I have evn taken out loans to help him: all obviously without my husbands knowledge. This continued for years where my brother would not pay me back or the interest of the loans- I had to pay back and if I must confess, I am still paying back. My hb tolerated my behaviour until one day in a fit of anger his true feelings were unleashed: he called me a rogue/ a thief: stealing from our family . What an eye opener!!! Never in a million years did I realise just how dishonest my behaviour way.Nowadays, having apologised to my hb and seeing things via his eyes, I know just how badly I messed up: I know tell my hb when my brother calls me for money. I do not give him thousands like in previous times: just money for his birthday or petrol or small ad hoc cash injections. I tell my hb the amount and the frequency: I have become transparent. It took those painful words to shake up my life. He is not unreasonable : he also made me realise that my bro was using me.OP in your situation I cannot see how/why this has spiralled out of control: surely u and your hb discuss your kids and their needs: if they need a little extra then a decision is made to help them out? Perhaps it is not just the money issue but the fact that u hid it from him? There is more to your marriage issues than just giving money to your kid. Something is drastically wrong if your hb has cut off completely from u. Perhaps this is just an excuse he needed to disinvest in your marriage???If you can sit him down: apologise and tell him that going forward u will tell him/discuss with him the kids needs.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): I feel whatever you did for your daughter was normal and as a other you u know better. if your husband is not talking to you start ignoring him maybe he'll start missing all that love and affection you give him all the time and come back to you. or else seek help of a councellor. Its a mistake that you lied to him but its not an unforgivable mistake wherein you are told to leave your own house. I personally feel you are a great mother and wife. Mistakes do happen but relationships are much more important than mistakes. God Bless...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): You are legally obligated to spend child support money on your children. Surely your husband is aware of this, so why would you have to lie to him about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): my husband lied to me for many years about debts he had incurred going way back since before we even got married, and I only found out when finally his creditors came after me. Talk about turning my life upside down. We're talking large sums of money here, greater than my annual income. I began to doubt what else was my husband keeping from me, is he not who he had led me to believe he was. In a way, that really was the case. I never knew he was capable of such lies and deceit, until then. Had I known, I never would have married him. So you can see why this is a big issue. It was 5 years ago that I found out, and I still haven't been able to forgive him, we're going through a divorce now after a few years of marital counseling.
You cannot downplay how serious it is when you lie to your spouse about finances. Money isn't just money, it's a "life resource." it's what enables you to live and have a life. when you're married there is an expectation that money is a shared resource. When you lie about this, you are breaking your husband's trust in a major way. It's also an insult to him that you chose to lie about it.
Now he has no way to know if you're honest about anything else you say. You have shown him that you are capable of deception and dishonesty, and that you will not hesitate to do that if it suits your own purposes. It also shows him that you do NOT consider him as your life partner, that instead you act alone in your best interests, you're only looking out for yourself. THIS is why he can not trust you again. And the fact that you are up in arms that he is not trusting you shows a complete lack of consideration for him.
He is the one who has been wronged, so you have no right to dictate to him that he should now be "over it." Only he can determine how much time he needs, because you have shaken his trust in you, you have shaken the foundation of your marriage.
If you knew he would disagree with how you wanted to spend the money, that's still no excuse for lying to him. The more honorable thing to do would be to tell him that you are going to spend the money how you want because you believe that is how it should be spent. And deal with that conflict OPENLY. But by doing what you wanted behind his back, you're destroying the foundation of the relationship.
"I have never cheated on this man and have always been faithful and a devoted wife. "
That's incorrect, if you lied to him about large sums of money, then you have NOT been "faithful and devoted." you have been devious and manipulative. You need to own up and seek his forgiveness without dictating to him how long he should be taking to forgive you. You need to resolve WHY you felt the need to go behind his back.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (14 March 2012):
Its a trust and respect issue but sounds like you hb is over-reacting. If saying sorry, maybe with a tear or two, doesn't give the opportunity to kiss and make up then you have a problem with your relationship. You could surprise him one night and creep under the blanket and give him a bj - brings most guys to their senses I expect.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 He certainly didn't have to get the sisters involved; asking you to leave the home is way too much; and then, if he did not lose a cent, it's less of a problem. But it is still a problem.
From what I see, he's not exactly a good person. But that does not mean you did not lie to him.
Maybe he is an overbearing man, but the right thing to do would have been to say you'd be helping your daughter with her own child support.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2012):
 The money was not your husband's so in my opinion you did nothing wrong. You used funds on the children that were already earmarked for them. If I were you I'd speak to an attorney and plan your exit strategy. You may not have to use it and things may yet be resolved but it would give you considerable security and negotiating power knowing you have options and a way out if needed. I suspected from the beginning that there was a cultural angle to this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): "Why cant my husband forgive me for lying about fiancial matters? I have been a devoted wife in every other way!"Unfortunately all it takes is one lie to destroy trust and credibility. If I can't take your word about being a devoted wife in every other way without proof, why should your husband? "I have three children that are very hurt by the way he is treating me . . ." Your children should be hurt by the way YOU treated their father and/or the person married to their mother.". . . and we are all confused as to why he can't forgive and how he can say he loves me but doesn't act like it."I'm confused as to why you believe your husband should grant you blanket absolution when you apparently haven't taken responsibility or admitted wrongdoing. Not saying he's right to involve his siblings in your business, but he knows you can no longer be trusted with his assets and so he is turning to people whom he knows will place his interests first before yours. His forgiveness is a privilege you must earn, not a right he is obligated to bestow upon you as his spouse. You certainly aren't acting like a wife who loves her husband, otherwise you'd be more concerned with the pain YOU caused YOUR husband and YOUR children.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 March 2012):
You have to start by telling him why you lied. To fix something, you have to find out what the basic problem is. And the very basic problem here is that you lied about something that was obviously so hugely important.
Why did you lie to him?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2012):
 A small lie, if it actually is a lie, condemns a man as much as a big and black falsehood. If a man will deliberately cheat to the amount of a single cent, give him opportunity and he would cheat to any amount.
E. H. CHAPIN, Living Words
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 March 2012):
He may forgive you, but things will never be the same between you two: he just discovered that his relationship with you is not what he thought it was. He may be wondering what else he doesn't know. He also knows that you can hide stuff from him for years. I don't think this is easy to just forgive and forget.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should also say the money I spent to help my daugther was from their child support. My husband is a business owner and independently wealth so my spending my children's child support on them shouldn't be an issue. I never used what was "our" money and even if I need our bills where paid. He is from a family that believe's what's his is his and what is mine is also his--not our's.My helping my daugther out when she is a fulltime college student I feel is my job.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
 You most certainly DID cheat your husband. YOU LIED TO HIM. And to make it worse you lied to him about something so critical as finances.
While he was wrong to involve his family, you kept things from him. You lied to him and cheated him out of his trust for you. You do realize he may never trust you again about anything now that he knows you are capable of lying to him about such a big thing.
As a woman who was married to a man who lied to me about stupid stuff (really unimportant stuff) I can tell you that once he broke my trust and I knew he could lie to me, I could never trust him again.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2012):
What kind of money are we talking about? A couple of hundred here and there or in the tens of thousands? Did you two have plans for that money before you spent it? Is he on the verge of losing his job or retiring or something? Have you had serious financial troubles in the past that continue to haunt him?
His reaction seems a bit over the top if we're talking a small amount to help out your kids. Involving his sisters and asking you to leave is rather drastic.
You've apologised and as you say you've been a devoted wife in every other way so the ball is in his court. No more apologies, no begging for forgiveness, pleading your case or displays of affection. The more your grovel the more indignant he becomes and the longer this cold shoulder will continue. Penance and probation work both ways. He has handled this very, very poorly and he'll have some fences to mend as well.
Stand your ground.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (13 March 2012):
 It will take your husband some time to forgive you.
You broke his trust and thats something thats really hurt him.
Im afraid you'll just have to be patient with him until this all blows over and apologise.
Explain why you kept it a secret from him. Explain you really dont want you guys to break up.
If he loves you he should find it in his heart to at some point forgive you.
Goodluck.
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