A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel my life is a movie right now and I need help please.Years ago when I was 22 (I'm now 34) I met and fell in love with this guy, my age and we were together almost 2 years. I was convinced he was "the one." He then got an opportunity to study in America so he decided we should split up as we were too young to get serious and he didn't want a long distance relationship -I agreed, even though I felt my heart was broken but completely understood his reasons...We remained friends.Over the next few years we kept in touch via email but that too came to a stop.I aimed to get on with my life, I met other guys but I always compared them to him and after a few non serious boyfriends I met a wonderful guy who swept me off my feet at the age of 29- I fell in love over again, we got engaged, bought a house and eventually got married 4 months ago.Here's where things got complicated... I was out In town doing some Christmas shopping and stopped off for a coffee, I was on my own. when I heard someone call my name- it was my ex, who had moved to America.... I was so shocked to see him- he asked me to join him for a coffee which I did and we had a good catch up...He was surprised to hear I'd got married and even said he was an idiot to leave and maybe we should have given long distance a chance and he never stopped thinking or loving me. I understand he may have said this because now he: A.Wants what he can't have and that is an attraction for some men.B. Feels he's missing out on a relationship as he is single where as I moved on.I'm ashamed to say that my all my feelings came back for him- I just wanted to grab him and kiss him and be with him. I guess, if I'm honest I never stopped loving him. I love my husband but not as much as him... Deep inside I still feel he's "the one."When I got home I told my husband that I bumped in to him and had a coffee- my husband didn't ask too many questions and seemed fine that we had a catch up. Of course I didn't admit my feelings. I can't get him out of my head- we are now friends on Facebook and I look at his profile every day! I feel so guilty and confused. Why couldn't he have come back in my life before I got married or before I met my husband? Hate feeling like this.What do I do??
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male
reader, Male45  +, writes (1 February 2016):
I guess you are still in love with him, and you will never forget about him. The only way to get over him is to actually meet up with him, have six and feel guilty enough to leave him or forget about him. I know a friend who is in the same situation as you are, and she managed to get her affairs together. I have one question though; do you care about how he feels about you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): Hi,
I agree with WiseOwlE. Please concentrate on your marriage. I was 24 when I met my current husband. He moved back after his studies were finished. We lived in separate continents and maintained a LDR (over 8K miles)for 2 years, We did visit each other twice a year. We were committed and are now happily married for 22 years. It is possible and unfortunately in your case, your ex-boyfriend was not ready. Your current husband was ready and committed. Meeting your ex-boyfriend may have stirred up a lot of old memories but I am a big believer if it was meant to happen it would have. Take care. I know this must be hard for you but remember he was the one that broke up with you. Love is a conquering force and can even conquer distance.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2016):
Your ex is the kind of guy who expects others to make compromises so he can do what he wants. You had a relationship for two years before HE decided he wanted to go somewhere else and didn't want to have the hassle of a Long Distance relationship. He also didn't want the hassle of keeping in touch with you, so after a short while he let the contact fade. Now he's back after 10 years and sees you and he's like, "okay I pursued my goals and dreams, I'm ready for you again" as if you were supposed to put your life on hold and wait for him.
You may think he doesn't mean it like that. Hell me may think he doesn't mean it like that. But he does. If you throw everything you have away for this guy, be prepared to play second fiddle to whatever interest draws his attention. HIS life is important to him, not you. He likes the idea of you, not the reality, which is that you're a human being with your own goals and needs.
You're feeling this way because you were still in love with him when he left. I'm not discounting that love. But he doesn't love you the way you love him. Your husband seems to though.
Unfriend him on facebook, block his feed, and avoid everything that has to do with him. Your crush will fade. Trust me. I once loved someone who was bad news for me and I thought I'd never get past him, but once I stopped being 'exposed' to his pictures on facebook, once I stopped contacting him, it didn't take as long as I expected. If he asks why, just answer: "It was nice to see you, but whatever we had ran its course."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): Its hard for other people who have never experienced the love you had for this other guy to understand how you feel.
I am currently going through something similar, although not yet married to my current partner, he is a good man. My ex re-entered my life and sent my feelings all over the place.
I do not plan to rekindled with my ex but I realise life is short and I do not know why we have to block people we once loved out of our lives. Keep him as a friend but block contact for a while until your feelings have dyed down. If he keeps pestering you, he is out to destroy your marriage and this is not a good man. Like you said yourself, its only because he has seen someone else respected you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): Its hard for other people who have never experienced the love you had for this other guy to understand how you feel.
I am currently going through something similar, although not yet married to my current partner, he is a good man. My ex re-entered my life and sent my feelings all over the place.
I do not plan to rekindled with my ex but I realise life is short and I do not know why we have to block people we once loved out of our lives. Keep him as a friend but block contact for a while until your feelings have dyed down. If he keeps pestering you, he is out to destroy your marriage and this is not a good man. Like you said yourself, its only because he has seen someone else respected you.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (11 January 2016):
 You need to go no contact with this old flame. For 10 years he has been pursuing his own goals and not you. Had you mattered to him, he would for sure know how to accommodate his desires so that you were included in them. Regrettably, that isn't how it worked out. I'm sure he fully knows this and a prudent thing to do is to have skipped on you after he ran into you recently. The fact that he called out on you is to do exactly what he is doing now: tempting you to ruin your marriage. This dude ruined the relationship with you once already, so why would you let him ruin it for you again? The correct thing here to do is run to your husband, not this dude.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (11 January 2016):
 Have you got to the stage in your marriage where you want a bit of glitter in your life? Could this be why you are prepared to break everything you and your husband built in order to enjoy the crazy romantic love that beckons? It's a huge step and I feel dreadfully sorry for you husband. Whatever decision you make I hope you can be kind to each other.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 So he never stopped thinking of you and loving you but in 10 years he never once tried to contact you? What a load of bullshit!!
The moment I read this in your post I knew that he was lying. Whatever he told you, he didn't say it either because he knew that he couldn't have you or because he was missing out on a relationship. Stop romanticizing the situation so much. He just said it because he's full of crap and a cheap person who should know better than to talk to a married woman like that.
Stop being silly and pining for him. I think it's for the best that you are not with him. You have what appears to be a really supportive husband and it's more of a case of *you* wanting you what you can't have. Don't ruin a perfectly good life for a lie that your ex is dishing out to you.
Thank your stars that you married a good guy. Now you know the reason why you are not with your ex and this should be your closure. Block him from Facebook. Never look him up ever again, block his number and concentrate on your new life and cherish what you have. You've just been married for 4 months enjoy this newly married phase instead of pining for another man. How would you feel if your husband was doing the same for another woman? Don't do this to him it's not right
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 This goes to show you really never fully or truly loved your current husband. What to do you ask.Well for one just be still and listen to that inner voice inside of you. How open is your communication relationship with your husband? Because honestly you shouldn't have entertained meeting for coffee with this ex without your husband accompanying you.Why do I say this? Well it is because exes are always a sensitive and no go area, especially where you still have feelings for them.It's almost 12 years for heavens sake. You say you always compared other guys to him and they all came up short. And from your emotional tone, so does your husband. Leading me to conclude you settled on him as "the next best thing" which is quite unfair. You have a lot of unresolved feelings for this man and the least decent and womanly thing to do is to tell your husband, "BUT" as I initially said after being still and assessing your feelings for both men.Don't do the predictable like most people do; trying to have your cake and eating it too.Your ex, if a decent guy he was, wouldn't want to toy with your lingering feelings for him. He wouldn't start telling you how he wished he did a long term with you and how he still loved you.So why seek you out after all this time and silence? I had an ex reach out to me yesterday after seven years of practically no contact. That's strange but I kept cool and didn't toy with our past joys.My girlfriend is aware about her and what I currently feel for this ex. This is why I ask how open your communication with your husband is.Again I strongly suggest you be still, don't meet with this man alone. And whatever anyone here tells you, it's obvious you will make a decision based on how you feel, and dependent on which man makes the strongest emotional impact on you.Finally please just be honest with us, yourself as well as these two men. The power here truly and indeed is in your own hands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): You've committed to someone. Technologically, this is such a small world! It is sometimes quite difficult to disassociate with the past.
The meaning of commitment is forsaking all others for the one. Real feelings don't often change; but situations, times, responsibilities, and circumstances do. Keeping in touch was technically cheating, and your way of covertly keeping him in your life.
You never outgrew the imaginary world you built around your ex. The truth is, he did. He made choices that didn't include you. You don't just let people come out of the blue and turn your marriage upside down. Your feelings are totally under your control. Isn't that the point of taking vows? Isn't that an oath, before all who witnessed, to your spouse? To resist all temptation? To direct all your love and attention to that one person you've chosen as your life-partner and mate? Regardless of lovers in your past!
Your relationship to your ex is full of romanticizing and bliss; because you created a totally imaginary romance around it. It is no comparison to the realities of your life now.
The past often looks better than the present; because we are ever so prone to leaving out many details of reality, and creating memories that are tailored to our emotions. Our feelings of how we loved being young, and experiencing wonderful things for the first time.
Concentrate on making your marriage work. Your old feelings didn't comeback. You're delusional. It's reminiscing on the good feelings of your youth. Falling in-love with being in-love. You're mature now. So the man you love now, is based on that maturity; and his compatibility with who you are now. You're not in a movie. This is real-life.
You're all grown-up now. Don't screw it up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): You are both more mature, now, I know you wish you wasn't, married, so you got two choices, stay married, do not contact, him, or separate, from your husband, if you still love him, you only have one choice, cause, if you don't take the chance, you will always wonder, what if, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (11 January 2016):
Aunt bimbim is so right .. and I think your holding onto the fantasy of what could have been not the reality .. you have reality sweetie with a guy who is head and heels in love with you and married you .. what would have happened if your path hadn't crossed. He wasn't looking for you or anything .. you could have ended up a lonely spinster always wondering " what if " There no what ifs .. There the here and there the now .. so hold your head up high .. If you can't be a friend due to your fantasy mode . Then please stay of his page and walk away .. think of the man whom loves you dearly .. My hubby knew he loved me at the age of 18teen and I was 15teen. . So, yes love at a tender age can work .. (together 25years) don't be fooled with his sweet words .. as they are only that. . Words .. Take care chin up ..
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 January 2016):
 my calculations say its around 10 years, give or take a few, that he left.
Why was he surprised you were married, what had he expected you to do?
And think on this, your meeting him again after all those years was just coincidence, he hasn't looked for you, he hasn't tried to reconnect, despite his saying he never stopped thinking about or loving you.
I call BS! What a load of crap! Block his number and block is facebook page and leave him behind, in the past, where he belongs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): This sounds awful for you, truly it does. No one can decide other than you what should happen now.My thoughts though...If you didn't love you husband, you wouldn't have married him. Something about him made you want to vow to spend your life with him and it's this you must hold on to. I think seeing you ex brought back feelings but perhaps you haven't always loved him, just seeing him unexpectedly created a bit of a flashback and you understandably reminisced. He was out of order talking about how he wishes you both gave long distance a go though and I think you're right when you say actually he feels he has missed out - because he went away he has come home to see you, and probably other people, settled with their own homes and married. So, he might have been the love of your life at 22 but even if he didn't go to America you might not have worked out. Even if you tried long distance it might not have worked out either. At 22 you were both very different people and even if you weren't married so much time has passed that things would never be like you had.Should you continue a friendship with this guy? No, I personally don't think so because you are a married woman and it's disrespectful to meet up with someone you admit feelings for. If you're not happy in your marriage then you shouldn't stay in it, but you need to really think long and hard about your decision. Were you happy before this guy came back? If he wasn't around would you even be doubting your marriage? You've got to be considerate to your husband, it's not fair on him to wholeheartedly love you and trust you if you are not feeling the same way.My personal interpretation of what you've written is that you're not in love with this guy who has just come back - you love the IDEA of the two of you and how things might have been. That's very different to living with the guy and day to day life. The grass isn't always greener. Ultimately, only you know if this other man is worth ending you marriage over.
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