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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've recently started seeing a guy and am shocked at how my friends are behaving. One of my friends seemed extremely jealous, then started talking about a guy she knows. (A male friend of hers- they are not even dating!) Another friend wanted to interrogate him, find out where he lives, and all of this crazy stuff. Funny part is she is engaged. She always had boyfriends ever since I can remember- this girl is NEVER single, yet she acts like THIS when I meet a guy. My third friend is acting distant and just brags about her past boyfriends.I just don't get why they can't be happy me- I have been there for all of them with their guys- through the good times and bad times, through breakups and new boyfriends, etc. It's like they're just used to being the ones with the boyfriends and not me or something. When I mention this, they insist they are happy for me, but their actions reveal otherwise. I just feel too old for this type of behavior to be happening. Any advice on how I should handle this?
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male
reader, Jamen Somasu  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Hello,Your description of your situation is a very familiar one I have seen plenty of times. Let me help you out a bit...THEY...DO...NOT...WANT...TO...SEE...YOU...HAPPY...Really! A women's worst enemy, after herself, are her "friends". Go to a club with them. If a guy suddenly approaches you and throws more interest in you rather than them, they will shoo you away from him. Why? Because, subconsciously, they know they have made a lot of bad choices when it comes to men. A woman's choice in men pretty much defines part of her personality (I can go over in detail privately). And an important one in that, too. What can you tell me about the guy you are seeing? Don't need to know name or address. What is his background, education, body type, his goals in life, personality?Your friends are doing this because they are afraid that you find true happiness with a good man while they, who have probably been passed around more than the neighborhood bicycle, will stay mostly single for the rest of their lives or just marry for financial security (which sounds a lot like what your engaged friend did).A man's two evolutionary, biololigal, and psychological goals in life is two: 1) find the best suitable mate possible and 2) protect and support his mate, as well as their offspring. It was true since homo sapiens rose 15000 years ago, it is true now, and it will be true deep in the future. You sound like a woman that hasn't had a lot of guys...that is a great thing!You see...in order to facilitate the accomplishments of those goals forementioned, a man needs a woman that knows what loyalty is and why it is so important to him (a woman is truly incapable of being loyal by nature; women are amoral creatures). That drives from our evolutionary fear of raising another man's child (as well as the risks of getting married, paternity fraud, etc). Those are far more implicating on a man than a woman so he needs the security that you will no stray on him. That is why, if I am correct about you, your value, for the good men (which aren't hard to find. It is easier to find a good man than a good woman), is over the roof (if you don't give it up as easily as your friends do, your value for the ones who just want to get laid will be really low).It is up to you on what will you do with that info; but just take a look at your friends. You think they are happy now? Wait until they hit their 30's and realized that they are so used up no DECENT, good guy or nice guy will ever want them. Only the desperate or the needy do (and even those two would have wisen up by now). A promiscuous woman is only good for one thing: getting off. And from a biologically, chemically, genetically, reproductively, and psychological point of view, the phrase "You can't turn a ho into a housewife" is fact. Two promiscuous people trying to practice monogamy is a worse sight than seeing two 90-year olds trying to copulate. The mess at the end is just on the border of laughable and hilarious.Promiscuous women are easy to spot when you know what to look for (and just about every male should know. If I know, EVERYONE knows). Do you want to follow the same route?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): They are happy for you OP, trust me they are. But they just cannot possibly be as happy as you want them to be because you're overjoyed as this is your first real relationship. No one can match your joy of that OP unless they were to take drugs.Remember OP if this is your first then you haven't experienced this behaviour before it's not like the movies OP, we don't jump for joy when our friends get a new partner a good friend is always a little protective and suspicious, we see how happy our friend is and we don't want them to get crushed. That is especially the case for someone as inexperienced as you.You're completely taking this the wrong way OP, they are happy for you and they do want you to be happy frankly you're the one with the issue not them. You want them to jump for joy, ask about him, get giddy and excited, that just doesn't happen OP. The way they are reacting is actually very normal and it will pass once they see your relationship is safe and secure, OP they're just worried about you. You're so wrapped up in a bubble of excitement and happiness that you can't see that all they are is worried about you, they're worried this could go wrong, they're worried that this could go right and they never see you anymore, they're worried because as this is your first real relationship they have no basis for comparison. They haven't seen you go through this, so they don't know how you handle this, how you would handle it if he hurt you, how you will balance being with him and also making time for them. OP how can they not worry about you if they're your friends that want to see you happy? Do you get what I'm saying? They care about you so much that they can't just blindly be happy and throw away all the bad things they've experienced and just be floating on a bubble of ignorance. OP any friend that jumps around giddy, really happy for you and isn't at all worried about you is not a friend, a person like that is false and doesn't truly care for you.I was right too OP you were the single one, you really don't get how much they depended on you having so much free time to dedicate to them, you don't get how absolutely huge a change the "single one" has when they get into a relationship. You pretty much lose that friend OP. You see a long term single person is the best friend you can have, they're always available, their time is flexible, they're always up for fun they have a relaxed, fun and dependable attitude to their friendships because friends top their priority list. You really don't get how important that becomes, you don't get how much that made you vital to their own happiness. You're the girl they can all turn to, to talk to because while you were single you didn't have your own relationship worries so they could talk to you freely about theirs. When the "single one" gets taken, it literally is "taken". You lose a hell of a lot when that happens OP, you really do. You have to accept their behaviour because honestly it is the behaviour of friends that really do care about you, what you're asking is for them to completely forget their own experiences, to not worry about you at all and to not care about you. You see being happy for someone doesn't come without the worry when you care for someone.OP relationships really are the easiest way we get hurt in this life, the amount of things that can go wrong is astonishing and the pain we get from that is unbelievable. The emotional pain relationships can cause a person is the worst kind of emotional pain we can experience in life OP, the only thing worse is the loss of a child or loved one, nothing else comes close. Do you really expect someone who cares about you not to have that in the back of their mind and worry for you?Come on OP, please see this for what it is and try not to take it the wrong way. This them caring for you. If you want people to jump for joy then go make some superficial drinking buddies that don't care what happens to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I see your point. (It is always good to look at the flip side of things in a situation as well.) But my issue is that this is my first real relationship. (I'm a bit of a late bloomer.) So it's not like I go through this every month or year. Plus I just started seeing this guy, so it's not like I have been talking about him for a month. It's probably a bit of a shock for them, but I just feel let down. I thought they would be happy for me or at least want me to be happy in return.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Wow, Cerberus is SPOT on. That's exactly what I would have said if I had gotten here first. Cerberus, it's like you know the female psychology better than most women...
"OP as happy as we are for our friends when they get new partners, the fact we won't see them as often and that when we do 80% of what they talk about is their new partner that gets annoying, we all do it but it is annoying."
This is EXACTLY why your friends are behaving the way they are, OP. You're no longer the fun, sarcastic go-to gal anymore. You've probably sweetened up and gotten 'boring' and are never around to hang out, and when you are, all you can talk about is Mr. Dreamboat. My friends and I have all gone through this with each other; honestly, it feels like you're losing a friend when they get a boyfriend. It's hard to deal with. Don't try to read too much into your friends' behavior, they just miss the old you, are jealous of your time, and need to get used to this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): I have a different take on this to be honest. It sounds more like they're pissed that they're losing you or it could also just be the annoyance of having to listen to all your talk about "Mr. Wonderful" all the time reminding them they don't have that exciting new relationship. Look we all talk incessantly about our new relationships, it's really exciting, fun and often it's all we think and talk about.
You see the girl who is never single may be in a relationship but she's not at the awesome initial fun, mystery, 'new' stage. She knows what that's like and she misses it.
OP as happy as we are for our friends when they get new partners, the fact we won't see them as often and that when we do 80% of what they talk about is their new partner that gets annoying, we all do it but it is annoying. You see everything seems so perfect in the beginning so we talk about things like they're perfect and we do it a lot. It's natural and normal, part of being happy and excited.
Look these people are your friends for a reason, you couldn't possibly be that weird that you picked 3 shit friends are you?
What I think is happening is just three friends who value your time and companionship so much that they're pissed off someone new has come into to your life to take that a big chunk of that away from them. I really do think this is the case judging by their response, especially if you were the "single one" for a while because if that's the case then you had a lot more time to devote to friends and were probably the one that was around the most.
Just brush it off that's how you handle it. Their reactions are fairly normal. The interrogate one is being protective, the talking about her prospects girl just feels a little left behind (I rarely meet people that aren't happy being single, that are happy to watch their friends get with people, when they don't have that) she's not jealous of you nor your new guy, just not happy she doesn't have the same with someone. The third is probably the same. Trust me they are happy for you just not as overjoyed as you if you know what I mean.
They just need a bit of time to adjust, the same as you they're only getting used to the idea once you've all calmed down a bit things will be relatively back to normal. Try not to make a big deal of it.
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male
reader, everythingwillbefine +, writes (2 March 2011):
They sound jealous to me and not very good friends. A true friend would be happy for your new found happiness. Quite frankly, I would get more friends.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 March 2011):
Perhaps these women aren't great friends. They all sound like jealous, petty women to me. I would look at making new friends elsewhere, and perhaps leaving these ones behind if they act like this. Don't surround yourself with losers.
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