A
male
age
41-50,
*aralyzed
writes:What a mess I have made of my life. I met the woman of my dreams 10 months ago. Tall, beautiful, funny, sexy, great career, an absolute dream. Things were amazing immediately. The chemistry was out of this world. After a few months of dating we talked about moving in together and began looking for a place. One day at her place I had to leave to go do a few things. I wasn't feeling very well. She begged me not to go, and said she would get me some medicine and bring it back. I had to go, and told her not to worry about it. When I returned a few hours later, she had an odd look on her face. Her eyes were open wide, almost like she was in shock. I knew something was wrong. She said she felt overwhelmed and broke up with me. I returned later to talk more, and suddenly she asked me to stay. She was hugging and kissing me. I left anyways. Afterwards on the phone, she again said she still wanted to be broken up. This was just the first of many break ups. We got back together a week later.Then left me again, this time over the phone while I was on my way to see her. She told me she was going back to her husband, whom she had left several months before. I was stunned.I kept in contact for a few days hoping for some kind of explanation. Within a week she had left him again. We rekindled our relationship right away. Things became better than ever. Except for the fact that I was still hurt, and still looking for honest answers. Over Xmas while at a bar, we had an argument. She said some very hurtful and nasty things and made an ugly scene. There was tension for the next few weeks. I was now having serious doubts. I was under extreme stress and went to see a therapist. When I told her that I was going to see someone, she broke up with me the next day. I picked up my stuff from her apartment and left. After a few days of limited contact, she began emailing me. She begged me to come over and hold her. She told me how much she missed me, said she was f'ed up etc. I went out the next evening and she phoned me asking me to meet her. We met and went home together. The next evening she seemed stressed. After a little pressure she said "she felt like she needed to be alone, but, she didn't want to lose me". I left again 2 days later. After I did my best not to contact her, she posted pictures of us on her facebook. This was most likely so that my ex would see them. She thought that I was going back to my ex. I confronted her about this, and told her she had issues. She denied posting the pictures, then admitted it, saying "i didn't do it to hurt you". We were back together a week later. This time, she immediately began talking about our future together. Getting a house, booking a vacation, having kids the next year. At this point, I had almost no faith that she wouldn't change her mind again. She smothered me with attention and affection. Clinging to me all the time. Getting upset if I didn't spend every available second with her. She seemed terrified that I would leave her. I would question her, perhaps too often, as to what was going through her mind. What had caused her to have all of these mood changes. She would sometimes get defensive, and we would argue a little. I always felt there was something she was hiding.One night, I decided to stay home and not spend the night. She seemed okay at first. She called an hour later very upset. She felt I wasn't committing. She wanted us to live together. I stood my ground and she said she wanted a break. I didn't talk to her for 3 days. She phoned and emailed repeatedly. I wrote back telling her that the relationship was dysfuntional and broken. I had to return again to get my things. I apologized for my email, but told her that with the way our relationship had gone we had to be patient. I told her that I was willing to try anything to make it work. She refused and said she wanted me to leave. She went out to a party that night. I receieved a phone call at 3:30 am that night. She hung up in my face.The following weekend she phoned at 4:30 am from a nightclub, asking me to pick her up. When I refused she got very angry. She told me I was immature and full of *****. She called me again several times when she got home. Like an addict I went over at 6 am. We spent the next few days talking. She admitted that her expectations were impossible for me to meet. She said she wanted to take things slow. Take our time. She admitted pressuring me too much. I had planned on going out with friends that Saturday night. I went out and she picked me up which I greatly appreciated. We spent the next few days chatting about us. I cooked her dinner, took her to a movie, curled up on the couch, went for long walks in the country. I did everything she enjoyed doing. After those few days, one of my friends tagged me in some pictures on facebook. They were from the night I was out. There were a few pics of me with some friends that were girls. These are good friends that she has met many times and is also friends with on facebook. She became furious. She accused me of having/wanting to have sex with them. She felt embarassed and ashamed etc. She broke up with me again. She began phoning me the next evening. Deleted and blocked me on facebook. Then ublocked me and emailed me. I wrote her to tell her how hard it was on me. I went out the following evening and she phoned me while she was at another club. She wanted to meet me. We met and went home together. We argued in bed, and she accused me of many things. She was drunk and being somewhat cruel with her remarks. She even talked about how her ex adored her, and never ever even looked at another woman. I told her that I felt abused by her. She began to cry and said she didn't know what was wrong with her. We are not officially back together, and I have told her that we are too different and that I can't be with someone that doesn't trust me. This has to end. I can't keep doing this. I am a good looking guy, nice guy, with a decent career. Why can't I stay away from this woman? Why am i in this childish relationship? I was once married to a mature, secure woman. That relationship didn't have the same passion as this one, but, at least it was stable and relaxing. I didn't have this kind of stress. The other day she mentioned that she might have mental problems. I have wondered if she has Borderline personality disorder, or if she is Bi-Polar. Her mother wasn't a loving mother. Her father kind of took on both roles. He died a few years ago with Aids. It turns out he was gay, and she didn't know until he was dying. His death still affects her to this day. She recently began seeing a therapist to deal with her grief. When she drinks, she gets extremely intoxicated. She tends to get nasty and has an electric tongue when drunk. This is when she has said some of the most hurtful things. The bottom line is, I do love this woman. She can be amazing. Being with her at times makes me feel like I have never felt before. But, I don't know how to make this work. Unless I completely change who I am. I have already changed so much. People that have known me all my life have noticed the change in me. And not in a good way. I really think she may have mental issues that I can't help her with. I have offered all the love and support I can. Perhaps i haven't always been consistent, but only because I keep waiting for her to change her mind again. How do I feel safe in a relationship with her? How do I fix her insecurities? I tell her numerous times everyday how beautiful she is. How do I leave someone I love, and stay away? Please give me some advice.........soon.
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a break, broke up, drunk, facebook, got back together, her ex, immature, kissing, mental problems, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 She can be amazing, but she isn't. She has serious troubles and you just can't help her, because she won't let you or won't help herself. Don't hate her, but make a clean break once and for all. You owe that to yourself.
Sometimes being dumped is a little lesson, too. If you try to understand things and ask yourself why you got dumped, you learn a lot (hopefully) and you can at least try not to repeat the same mistakes. Let her learn this lesson.
I think you have a little lesson to learn, too.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Wow, this is a very unhappy relationship. I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed by it. Obviously, you're going to have to sort this out for yourself, but I hope you'll get some good advice and some clear thinking from the aunts here.
I'm going to tackle this question by addressing the questions you raised in your last paragraph. Keep in mind that I am NOT a psychologist or trained in any way for therapy.
Q: "How do I feel safe in a relationship with her?"
A: You won't feel safe in this until she comes to grips with her emotional/mental problems. She's obviously troubled because of the odd ways she's behaving. This off again/on again, running hot then running cold, wild mood swings within a matter of hours is not normal. It just simply is not the sign of a stable personality.
Q: "How do I fix her insecurities? I tell her numerous times everyday how beautiful she is."
A: You cannot fix her insecurities, she has to deal with them herself, sad to say. She has a fundamental lack of trust in you and probably in most of her relationships with other. Her father dying of AIDS, her discovering he was gay, her distant unloving mother, these are abandonments of the worst kind. She may be unable to trust people because she has been let down so badly by them. But lots of people have difficult childhoods and still grow up stable and strong and sane.
Q: "How do I leave someone I love, and stay away?"
A: You do it as gently as you can, with tenderness and sincere hope that she gets the help she so desperately needs. You said she was seeing a therapist to deal with the aftermath of her father's death. I hope that she is being honest with the counselor and revealing all the troubles in her life and her seemingly muddled thinking.
The nasty words and awful behavior when she's intoxicated aren't a good sign either. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can let out the 'bad' parts of someone. I hope she's not using it as a way of self-medicating or masking her pain.
I think the grim truth here is that this woman, lovely as she is on her good days, has some major problems that she needs help to address. She cannot do this on her own, and you cannot do it for her. She needs to ask for help, and go get it.
I'm not saying that you'll never be able to be with her again, but unless you are prepared for a life of drama and tears and irrational behavior, you need to let her go, so that she can go get the help she needs.
You are not a bad person for doing this, you are not at fault, she is not at fault. This is a horrible place to be in, but I think the best thing you can do is to have a real heart-to-heart discussion with her about all of your concerns and then tell her that you cannot be with her unless she seeks immediate help for the mental health issues she is facing. You're going to have to be cruel to be kind.
I truly wish you all the best on dealing with this situation. You sound like a very caring man who's put up with a lot and deserves happiness, not sorrow and upset, in his life.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 How awful! You have fallen in love with a fruit loop! Seriously though, i think you might have.
You also seem to have got used to a rollercoaster relationship, almost as if you are addicted to the breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, and so on...
You have had good relationships in the past, so you know you are capable of them! But you seemed to have become locked in this turblant one.
Ive been there done that and bought the t shirt, and its a bugger to get out of. They piss you off, then reel you in, and you keep falling for it, over and over. They are very good manipulators because we let them be! Trouble is it sounds like this woman is still in love with her ex too, how did that end? And if she's not, it sounds like there is something she needs that you're just not giving her, and she probably doesn't even know what that something is!
But if i were you, i would refuse to even thnk of getting back with her, until she has been for some counselling, and stops drinking. She sounds quite messed up.
I know how hard it is walking away from them, believe me.
But be the strong one and stick to your guns because the alternative is being driven completely mad by this disfunctional relationship!
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, angelrockheart +, writes (30 May 2008):
I think this women you are talking about is only doing this because of either insecurities or as she said mental problems - you may be going back to her because you know she can be kind and loving at times - I think you need to talk to a professional relationship counsellor - as i don't know if my advice is enough - I am in he same situation with a current boyfirend though who is extremely possesive at times and violent. But enough about me , I hope you can make this relationship more stable and secure , good luck x
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