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age
26-29,
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writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. We we've been together since school. We live each other very much but last year my anxiety got worse which nearly resulted in us breaking up. When this happened I went through a period of extreme low mood which cancelled out the anxiety until we worked through it. Since then I've seen a counsellor and changed up my self care so I've been handling my anxiety much better. Recently though I had another big panic attack around him. I kept apologising afterwards and said " you're not going to break up with me are you?" (Still super on edge at this point and just needed support and reassurance) and he said - " well no not tonight but I can't promise that we never will" which resulted in a further attack and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to throw up.I understand that that isn't an unreasonable thing to say and it's true of everyone to an extent - but it really doesn't help when I'm on edge as then I start panickig. I told him that of course I know that and that he doesn't need to say it he can say that he wants o be with me forever which he seems to but he's very pragmatic. He said he'd never promise anything like that as he can't keep it and I told him that people promise that when they get married and he said he wouldn't say that part as people get divorced and stuff. I love him so much and I know it's not worth breaking up over and we've been through worse but I don't know how to get him to understand that all the uncertainty is what sets off my anxiety. I know nothing is set in stone but I don't know how to explain that I just need him to Tel one he wants to stay together and be more positive in a way that I haven't already. It's not so bad when I've not just had a panic attack ( don't have them very often currently) but he just gets upset and says it's unfair to promise even when I'm in that place and just need support. I really don't know what to do and feel really sick now.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 I have extremely bad anxiety too, but you are asking your boyfriend to lie. Calming you down shouldn't cost him his own conscience. You WILL cause exactly what you fear if you pressure him into pandering to you when you have a panic attack.
OP, you KNOW that you can't promise you'll be together forever; so many people don't. It's natural. He doesn't want to promise it if he can't 100% stick to it. I mean, most people truly believe it'll be forever with their first relationship and others, but most of them don't last. It hurts, but it's life. He doesn't want to lie to you - it's a good sign, even if it seems a little sad.
Keep going to therapy and finding ways to cope that don't involve asking your boyfriend things like that. You WILL push him away. You can't rely on other people to make you feel better, especially during a panic attack.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2019):
 So, let me understand: now you know for sure, if you ever had any doubt before, that your bf can't sincerely, and won't, promise that he will never leave you. He is being honest, he is saying that, although his current intention is to stay with you, he can't swear that this is just what will happen. If he said that no, he will never ever leave you, no matter what- he would be telling a big fat lie, because this is NOT what he feels in his heart.
And, knowing all this, you'd still want him , at the next panic attack ( which hopefully won't happen , but just in case ) to tell you what you want to hear ? Even knowing that it's not true, that it's a blatant lie, that you cannot count on him being with you regardless, no matter what - therefore that he is only telling it to keep you quiet ? How would that be reassuring ? or conforting ? Knowing that he says something that he does not mean at all , just to appease you in the moment ?
In a way, I understand why you are upset. Every woman ( every person, I guess ) would like to hear : yes, you are the one, regardless, no matter what, no matter how old or ugly or ill or mean or " difficult " you'll become in time. With or without wedding vows. And after a 6 years relationship, well, I guess one would want to know that she / he is loved unconditionally.
But your bf is sincere, and pragmatic , as you say. He is honest, he recognizes that very seldom love is totally unconditional and that -some times, even with the best will from both sides, things happen , loves end and couples break up; and he can't exclude that you won't be one of these couples.
That may be unromantic, or unflattering for you. But the problem , here, is not getting your bf to pacify you with sweet, insincere platitudes when you feel out of control- as if you were a tantrumy child, or, worse, a dangerous psychotic case. The problem is deciding which kind of man and which kind of love you want and need. If you need someone who loves you more passionately, nore overwhelmingly, even more naively in a way, someone who can say °in good faith °
: I am sure this is forever ! - then obviously this is not your boyfriend. I don't mean that he does not love you, becuase I can't evince that from the little I know about your relationship. But, he loves in a rational, sensible, prudent way. Are you OK with it ? Can you become OK with it ?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 May 2019):
So, let me understand: now you know for sure, if you ever had any doubt before, that your bf can't sincerely, and won't, promise that he will never leave you. He is being honest, he is saying that, although his current intention is to stay with you, he can't swear that this is just what will happen. If he said that no, he will never ever leave you, no matter what- he would be telling a big fat lie, because this is NOT what he feels in his heart.
And, knowing all this, you'd still want him , at the next panic attack ( which hopefully won't happen , but just in case ) to tell you what you want to hear ? Even knowing that it's not true, that it's a blatant lie, that you cannot count on him being with you regardless, no matter what - therefore that he is only telling it to keep you quiet ? How would that be reassuring ? or conforting ? Knowing that he says something that he does not mean at all , just to appease you in the moment ?
In a way, I understand why you are upset. Every woman ( every person, I guess ) would like to hear : yes, you are the one, regardless, no matter what, no matter how old or ugly or ill or mean or " difficult " you'll become in time. With or without wedding vows. And after a 6 years relationship, well, I guess one would want to know that she / he is loved unconditionally.
But your bf is sincere, and pragmatic , as you say. He is honest, he recognizes that very seldom love is totally unconditional and that -some times, even with the best will from both sides, things happen , loves end and couples break up; and he can't exclude that you won't be one of these couples.
That may be unromantic, or unflattering for you. But the problem , here, is not getting your bf to pacify you with sweet, insincere platitudes when you feel out of control- as if you were a tantrumy child, or, worse, a dangerous psychotic case. The problem is deciding which kind of man and which kind of love you want and need. If you need someone who loves you more passionately, nore overwhelmingly, even more naively in a way, someone who can say °in good faith °
: I am sure this is forever ! - then obviously this is not your boyfriend. I don't mean that he does not love you, becuase I can't evince that from the little I know about your relationship. But, he loves in a rational, sensible, prudent way. Are you OK with it ? Can you become OK with it ?
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (16 May 2019):
I have a teenage daughter who suffers from anxiety and depression so I'm well aware of the effects of this. What I do is I'm also honest with her and tell her she needs to pull herself together. She tries to blame the anxiety on all other things but I'm sorry to tell you, no one is responsible for making you feel better during these attacks. Only you can. Trying to get your boyfriend to make promises just to make you feel better is emotional blackmail. My daughter tries the same but it doesn't work.
I have been at the end of my nerves with my daughter at times but I always stay calm and make her see that all is not that bad. Your boyfriend is right and responsible. Nothing is forever.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 May 2019):
 The only thing to fear is the fear itself. I can assure you, the worst thing in life is not being single again. It is anxiety attack itself within or without a relationship. We can tell you to take deep breaths, meditation or whatever, but sometimes true confidence only comes in when we go through overwhelming, painful emotions then come out on the other side stronger. If you find that you cannot function and that medication can make you happier, perhaps you should try it. You can always decide to stop once you know that you can regulate your own emotions.
People with anxiety may not know the effect it has on other people. Your boyfriend does not know how to make you feel better. His instinct could be fight or flight when it comes to strong emotions. He is not the person to go to when it comes to help. There is a kind of love that is stronger than romantic love. The love that supports you in times of despair. The love that wants you to grow and evolve.
Lastly I have to say, if you are having anxiety attacks often, rather than desperately clinging on to the relationship, maybe you need to realize the relationship is not giving you the security you need. You may sense that he does not love you as much as you love him. A lot of women opt out of relationships with men they deem to bring instability. So you may have been hanging on too long after you got deeply attached. It's reasonable to be pragmatic, but feeling secure is one of the foundation of a relationship. Without it, you will always be on shaky ground. I feel that being pragmatic could be his way, his excuse to be always wishy washy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 May 2019):
 Sweetheart, he is your boyfriend. He is not your doctor, your therapist or your carer. Don't force him into a role he is not qualified to fill otherwise he will grow to resent you for it.
So you suffer from anxiety. You need to get professional help so that you can learn how to handle attacks when they happen. It is not your boyfriend's job to calm you by telling you lies.
Be brave. Ask for help but from the right people.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 May 2019):
 You CANNOT make him responsible for managing your anxiety. That places strain on a relationship that ultimately is GOING to break it up if you don't stop putting him in that role. YOU must be your OWN support system, and if you are dealing with something that is clinical strength, then you need to put a lot more effort into your care than merely a couple of visits to a counselor. You need ongoing, aggressive professional treatment, and making your anxiety something that excuses actions or coerces promises or reassurance from a partner is a very bad idea and can be a RED FLAG for him that you are unstable.
Stop making him promise you things like being together forever and so on. He's absolutely right -- he can't make that promise because he's human too, and you being extremely moody and taking it out on him for the better part of a year can sap even the strongest of relationships. Do you know how unfair it is when he's being emotionally or verbally abused by you and you are guilting him into taking it by blaming anxiety?? NOT COOL. Adults are responsible for having self-control and managing their emotions and not mistreating those we say we love, and if you can't control yourself, then you need that professional help I discussed.
You need to turn things around and instead of extracting false promises, you need to BE the type of person that he doesn't want to break up with. Rather than get mad at him for being honest with you, you need to be honest with yourself and give HIM support for a change, because he's TELLING you that he really needs it, but you're so wrapped up in yourself that you aren't there for him! Surprisingly, you'll gain a sense of well-being by showing HIM a lot of love, and strength, and telling him you believe in HIM, and so on. In short, stop thinking about yourself and your condition and start telling him again about the things that you love about him. DO NOT assume he knows!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 May 2019):
You CANNOT make him responsible for managing your anxiety. That places strain on a relationship that ultimately is GOING to break it up if you don't stop putting him in that role. YOU must be your OWN support system, and if you are dealing with something that is clinical strength, then you need to put a lot more effort into your care than merely a couple of visits to a counselor. You need ongoing, aggressive professional treatment, and making your anxiety something that excuses actions or coerces promises or reassurance from a partner is a very bad idea and can be a RED FLAG for him that you are unstable.
Stop making him promise you things like being together forever and so on. He's absolutely right -- he can't make that promise because he's human too, and you being extremely moody and taking it out on him for the better part of a year can sap even the strongest of relationships. Do you know how unfair it is when he's being emotionally or verbally abused by you and you are guilting him into taking it by blaming anxiety?? NOT COOL. Adults are responsible for having self-control and managing their emotions and not mistreating those we say we love, and if you can't control yourself, then you need that professional help I discussed.
You need to turn things around and instead of extracting false promises, you need to BE the type of person that he doesn't want to break up with. Rather than get mad at him for being honest with you, you need to be honest with yourself and give HIM support for a change, because he's TELLING you that he really needs it, but you're so wrapped up in yourself that you aren't there for him! Surprisingly, you'll gain a sense of well-being by showing HIM a lot of love, and strength, and telling him you believe in HIM, and so on. In short, stop thinking about yourself and your condition and start telling him again about the things that you love about him. DO NOT assume he knows!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2019):
 I know dealing with panic attacts and anxiety is hard, but you HAVE to learn to RELY on yourself for this, it is NOT your BF's job to LIE to you and soothe your insecurity.
The more you MAKE a big deal out of this, the more you push him away.
YOUR priority is to get healthy. NOT make unreasonable demands on your BF. He shouldn't live his life walking on eggshells.
And I think you are GOING to have to realize that YOUR issues DO affect him in big ways too.
He isn't WILLING to lie. I think he feels being HONEST with you is the way to go. YOU may not LIKE that, but this is who he is. LYING to you will NOT help you.
HE CAN NOT make a promise that you will always be together or if married NEVER to divorce. THOSE are unreasonable expectations.
Work on your issues with anxiety, GET the tools to be in control. THAT is your main focus.
Using your illness/issues to get him to say things YOU want to hear is unfair.
YOUR main priority is to get healthy, remember that.
I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, I do not mean to be harsh with you, but that is how I see things from what you write. Mollycoddling you won't help you one iota.
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