A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband takes very little interest in my life . I’ve noticed that although I enquire about his day and things in his life he rarely asks about mine . If I have an appointment he will rarely remember . Today is a perfect example . He was going to visit one of our adult children who lives nearby , he didn’t ask me to come . As he was leaving I said I’d come if I didn’t have an appointment and he just said ‘ok’ . He didn’t ask what my appointment was for or where it was at . It’s unlikely he will ask anything about my day , myAppointment or anything else . This is pretty typical of how things are for us . He does seem to want to be intimate with me when he is in the mood but generally disinterested in me as a woman and individual Is this normal ? I feel deeply unhappy unloved and lonely in this marriage
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (14 May 2019):
 Has your marriage always been this way or is this something that has happened recently? You don't mention how long you've been married and that can make a difference. Marriages take work and if one or both people stop trying and become indifferent then of course there will be problems.
Wiseowl has said just about everything that can be said. Read his post carefully. Darling if you want attention, men are not mind readers. Speak up and make your wants and needs known. Perhaps your husband is assuming that you aren't interested. If you have spoken up and he isn't paying attention then you have to decide if you want to be lonely or if its time to end the marriage. Do not make the mistake though of assuming your husband knows what you want and how you feel. Let him know. I learned a long time ago not to assume that my husband knows and understands me. Sometimes he needs a little help. I am not the type to ever be ignored and if my needs aren't being met I let it be known. I don't pout I don't fight I sit down and talk to him. He does the same.
I wish you well whatever you choose to do but I certainly wouldn't choose to be sad and alone. I'd make changes..whatever needs to be done!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Thanks for the advice . I should have mentioned that I havevraised this issue with him several times ( whilst not fighting ) he simply denies it’s true and says I’m trying to start a fight lol . Even when I tell him no I’m trying to improve our relationship
I dont ask sk him to drive me to appointments because he is working and I’m very independent in getting myself out and about . I make a point of letting him know what’s happening in my life , I’m no wallflower . I guess my question was more from the perspective of whether it’s normal for him simply not to care
I realise I have the power to drive my own ride in life and he can come along or not but it’s hurtful when your partner simply doesn’t seem interested no matter what
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): You don't mention how long you've been married; but at least 20 years, if you have adult-children together.
There is a common phenomena among those of us who have been in relationships spanning a decade or longer. People's lives become very routine, predictable, domesticated, and somewhat boring. Sometimes we might take our partners for granted; because they are always there. That is, until sickness or a crisis arises that sets everyone on high-alert. It shouldn't take a crisis or an emergency to make us realize we have a partner; and someone who has devoted their lifetime to loving us. It's almost sinful! In fact, it is a sin!
It's normal for intimacy to slow down or grind to a halt from time to time. If you see this happening, why are you coming to us and not addressing the problem with him? Isn't he the one who is ignoring you, uninterested in your day, and somewhat lost in his own life?
Sometimes you have to remind people..."HELLO, I'M STILL HERE!" Stop doing things automatically for him. Force him to ask you for favors. If you behave like a maid and attendant; don't be surprised when you're treated like one!
Who stops you from telling him you have an appointment or informing him on how your day goes? Who stops you from asking him to drive you to your appointments, and sit there with you? If you sit around waiting to be asked or invited after being married for so many years; maybe he assumes everything is the same as usual. You'll decline, or just let him go about his business. Not a word said!
Why do people act afraid to talk to the people who lie right next to them in bed? The only time the truth comes out is in the heat of an argument; when everyone is yelling, and no one is listening! Vital relationship-information, the reasons for your pain are exposed! Only it's so wrapped-up in toxicity and soaked with venom, he doesn't get the message! Just the sting of your anger and the noise behind it! Everybody argues, but few argue effectively; until they hire lawyers in a courtroom to go at it!
Got something important to say to him? Get his attention and say it! Demand his attention! What are you afraid of?
Too bad for you if you're intimidated and passive. Then sit there and wallow in your misery! You've got to use your words! Hold-back the tears and emotion; and get the truth out in the open. Let him know how serious it is; even if you have to slap him with an ultimatum. You just might have to leave him! If that's okay with him; then you've discovered what the problem is. Then face it like an adult! Hiding from the truth is almost virulent in our society! Avoiding confrontation that might open the door to the truth. Is it better living in misery and ignorance of it?
When you've established your role in your relationship as passive or subservient to your partner; they will pretty much treat you as you're being treated. You don't speak-up when you feel ignored. You don't make any suggestions on what you'd like to do together. Maybe you never put force behind your words to gain his attention. You just let him drift-off into his own world; and you don't make enough noise to remind him you're a part of his life!
My speculation is that you've taken care of him and the family for so long; you've been put-out to pasture, as if you no longer have any significance. Except to sit on the sidelines, or walk in his shadow. Supportive and self-sacrificing. Always the martyr and human-sacrifice; ready to spread yourself out on the alter!
Maybe he's not really as disinterested as you think. He's getting old. He has just settled into life; expecting nothing more from it, but to grow old. Studying on nothing but his own needs. That's what life has been all about thus far! You're the enabler!
I don't have any clue of what your financial-situation is like; but now that the nest is empty, you can travel and make plans to do things together. If he won't come-up with ideas; then you'll have to do it. If you've got friends, consider a group of your lady-friends taking a cruise or vacation together. Leave him home alone, to experience life without someone there to pickup after him; to serve him hand and foot, or to ignore like you're invisible.
Farty selfish old-men tend to only appreciate their wives; when they're left alone and have to fend for themselves. You don't have to die before him to make him miss you!
If you are vibrant and full of vigor; make some plans and get-out and do things together. Drag him along kicking and screaming. Don't let-up until he gives-in, and goes along with it. You may have to carry the load until he catches-up with you. If he doesn't, consider leaving him. Let him grow old alone with nobody to be his maid and housekeeper. Let him sit around in his own mess. Alone, and old. Eating his own cooking, washing his own dirty underwear; and sleeping in a bed all by himself, on month-old stale sheets!
I never let the humdrum of domestic-life overtake me. I'm not getting any younger; but I know there are times I've got to be the energy-source to keep my relationship running. I have to kick-start my own life to make sure I don't just give-up and give-in; because I can't rely on other people to make me feel appreciated or validated. Fortunately, I've never been in a relationship where I felt unloved or unhappy. I've never been one to rely on others to give me happiness. I've got my God, and He gives me life and strength. I have a choice what to do with it! So, I give-back to be a blessing to others! I give my family tons of love; and I reserve some love, time, and energy for myself!
I've been a caretaker of others all my life; so, I had to learn all this. I wasn't born with wisdom; I had to seek, accumulate, and practice it. I had to experience a lot of stuff. Pass or fail the tests of life! I rely on God to do the heavy-lifting; and I pray for wisdom and peace when others forsake me.
If you need to take time to re-energize and become reacquainted with yourself; perhaps this is the time. If your marriage is dragging and has fallen into a lull; you have to open your mouth and tell your husband how you feel. Hundreds of women come here wanting to know what to do when their mates seem disinterested and distant. That's often because they've dedicated their lives to being mothers and a the lady who takes care of everyone...but herself. You've become functional, but invisible. Like the splendid mechanism in a fine watch; it makes everything move, but nobody sees it.
Be selfish. Have some fun. Take-up a hobby. Make some new friends. Give your time to a good cause. If you have a faith, return to worship. Push him to take you places; and insist that he accompany you to cultural-events, and concerts. Go out to dinner once a week; or take inexpensive-trips together, if you live on a fixed-income.
Become visible! Remind him you're his wife, and you're sick of being ignored. If he has no time for you; then make time for yourself. You've earned it! Force him to have to keep-up with you. Chances are you will outlive your husband; so you may as well get used to your independence, and having a life that isn't centered around just him.
If he's not along for the ride, leave him behind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): You should talk to him. Don't put all the blame on him. But do explain to him that you need to feel the connection and do things together for you to feel sexually attracted to him and to get you in the 'mood'.
It's good to 'do you own thing' but important to connect with each other. Plan out an activity together once a week.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2019):
 Is it normal?
I don't think it's normal per se, but I do think this can happen when couples kind of stop talking about what's important and stop investing in the marriage.
I think you should TALK to him. Tell him how you feel, maybe he will open up. I would just have ONE suggestion, TRY not to make this all HIS fault. Because I don't think it is.
Some couples become room-mates after a while. Intimacy is lost and so is communication and compromises. So what has been falling to the wayside in your marriage? And when?
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