A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I've recently ended my 7 year marriage due to my husband being emotionally abusive towards me (constantly asking me where I've been, who I've been with, telling me how I should feel, gaslighting me, not letting me go to sleep until I've answered all his questions) It took a lot for me to do it because I sustained the abuse so long I questioned whether I was right in leaving. I now know it was the right thing to do.We've got a 5 year old son and I bring him to see him every day after school and then we take it in turns as to who has him overnight (we live quite near each other) and at weekends, I've been trying to arrange one activity that we do all together so that our son gets to see both of us together, even briefly. My husband keeps telling me that he accepts that we aren't together but he keeps trying to hug me and I have told him I don't feel comfortable doing it. He always says "Why? Do you hate me that much that I can't give you a hug?" He tried to hug me from behind last weekend in public and I told him to get off. Later on he asked me why I seemed so unhappy. He KNEW why but he won't take responsibility for bringing it up. I told him that he had acted inappropriately, that I didn't want him to hug me anymore, particularly romantically and not in public. He responded by roaring laughing saying "THAT offended you? Me hugging you?!" He then said "You do realise that we are still technically husband and wife, don't you?"He messages me every day like we never split - just stuff about his day etc. I keep my replies very brief - one line as I don't want to completely fall out with him for the sake of our son.I feel like I'm going insane with him saying that he accepts the split, then doing things like this, then laughing at me for thinking that he believes we will get back together?He also keeps sarcastically saying things like "I would say your hair looks nice but I'm not obliged to say things like that anymore." He also keeps asking me where I've been out to. When I say I don't want to talk about it and don't want to answer his questions, he just keeps bombarding me with "Why?" over and over again. The idea of spending time with him is making me feel sick.I can't handle the mind games. I felt great soon after leaving but this abuse just continues when I'm trying to do the best thing by my son. I've booked a session with a counsellor for separation counselling but he's very good at pulling the wool over other people's eyes and making them think that there's nothing wrong and that he's dealing with it appropriately.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2019):
 But you don't have to deal with them !
Why in the world do you have to have " happy family " outings and pretend ( sort of ) that nothing has changed in the structure of your family ?! Things have changed ; there are new rules now. Your child does not ° need " to see both parents together regularly now. It can only be confusing to him, and probably sending him the wrong signals, that mom and dad are a bit mad with each other but eventually it will all be like before. It won't. Your child needs to know and realize that. He will be fine- children are resilient and flexible, they can adjust to change better than adults. And they deserve honesty and clarity same as adults.
I am not saying that from now on you need to avoid your ex as if he had leprosy; it's fine, of course, if both of you are at your child's school play, or birthday party etc. But , going through all this bother and hassle for the sake of having family time… with a man who is not your family anymore ( at keast, he won't be as soon as your divorce is final ) and most of all can't respect your boundaries ? Totally bad idea. It defies the purpose of having left him after 7 years of abuse- now you give him the time , the way and the instruments to carry on with the emotional abuse ?!...
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 May 2019):
 I get that you’re trying to act like a happy family doing activities together but that really IS NOT a good idea. As suggested, he’s trying to worm his way back in and grind you down, you’re well aware of it, so ignore it! Let him say whatever he wants, you don’t need to reply to his small talk, keep any conversations brief and on topic of who’s looking after your son! No need for any other contact.
Stop the family meetings, let your son spend time with each of you alone, it’s no good for you to keep seeing your ex on a regular basis.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2019): I think you need urgent one on one therapy aka talking therapy with a good counsellor.You may be perfect.He may be perfect.And your son may be perfect but there is some miscommunicationgoing on here.Your fella thinks he's been ditched for being 'nasty' so he is pulling out the stops to be 'nice' and to some extent he thinks the separation is absurd because he sees himself as your best friend.Lots of complete strangers hug so I see his point.Your point is that you want to be free.He thinks he is on remand while his behaviour improves!He knows he is linked with you through the child so he feels he has a headstart on all competitors.I wonder what drew you towards him when you first initiated the romance?During that time you were flattered by his attentions. Then the courtship progressed and you got married you were delighted to tell the world you were his.Presumably the baby came after the nuptials and I know a lot of women change their behaviour with pregnancy, get increasingly tired and uncomfortable and then the baby arrives with a new set of joys and problems.So technically your relationship changed somewhere between pregnancy, birth and the next 7years.You have a clear desire to do the best for your son and that includes providing him with the role model of a dad, so naturally his father feels he fills that role.I am assuming that your fella never hit you or threatened you with violence so you feel he is 'safe' for his son.How will you feel when the lad comes back talking about his new step mom, as and when that day arrives?Or maybe you are planning on putting him in boarding school just so that you never have that worry.I am not entirely convinced that it is over for you and him and I am a mere stranger.It all just seems so clouded.Your fella is trying to become the fella he once was when youand he got started.I am sorry to add that marriage is never a smooth process and if you both want this to be a formal parting of the ways then you should both be extremely clear about how you intend to conduct the rest of your future life.I dont think the ex is going to follow your rules so you had better have legal groundwork to establish the expected patterns of childcare.I think that although you feel stifled by his level of communication with you eg questions, he must feel equally repressed by your lack of understanding.If you feel he is so emotionally abusive as to be damaging to yourself so that you need to separate,then why are you initiating such a high level of contact with your child?It doesnt add up.So I cant help thinking one of you got the 7yr itch! Andd the other is trying to scratch it.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (16 May 2019):
I know all too well men like this. I was with one for 16 years. The first 11 years were perfect but once I moved in with him then everything changed. Exactly like your situation. He had a problem with everything I did and accused me of cheating just because I wanted to go to a museum and my daughter didn't want to go so I went on my owm.The mind games, gaslighting, accusations and pressure made me so ill and my daughter began to self harm due to all this. I walked out and never looked back. I out clear boundaries in place for him and our daughter. If she wants to see him then she is free to do so but he is not welcome in my home. Their relationship has imporoved but it's nothing to do with me. For the sake of your mental health, you need to set clear boundaries with him. Have scheduled time were he comes around and takes your son out. You don't need to be there. If he can't respect family time is to keep his bond with his son and not molesting you then family time will be without you.Get this legally in place so he can't complain. You have to set an example for your son that it's not ok for his Dad to behaving like this with you. You want him to grow up respecting women and treating them well.Once I left the relief was instant. Me and my daughter are flourishing now and I wished I'd done it earlier.Good luck hon. Stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2019): He's testing your resolve about the separation; and trying to see if he can find a weak-spot in your emotions. He's playing on your feelings to create doubt and second-guessing. It's mainly to get his hooks back into you. He cares about you; but obsession and possessiveness has skewed and corrupted his healthy affections for you. It's his desperate attempt to change your mind. Trying to overpower you with charm.
His feelings are toxic. He doesn't have the strength or desire to change. Being dismissive of your discomfort is evidence of that.
He wants to maintain intimate access to what's going-on inside your heart and your head. That will give him advantage over your feelings. He hasn't come to terms with the fact that he shut all that down; when he became crazy and psychologically-abusive. His insecurity and intrusiveness are out-of-control. Distance is the only remedy. In time, he will accept the reality of the situation; and you may be able to be civil towards each other, and peacefully co-parent your son.
Men like that never really seem to get it! They are too headstrong and determined to create a world according to their own twisted-design; and to appease their need for control.
He, and men like him, are ruled by their jealousy and possessiveness. Don't expect him to change anytime soon!
If ever!
He's taking advantage of every opportunity; and hopes he's wearing you down. The sad part is, he's also forcing you to reject him in-front of your son. This makes it look as though you're being mean to daddy, and not showing him love. The family is coming apart; because mommy isn't showing daddy she loves him anymore. He's not playing head-games with you; he's working on your son. Don't overreact in-front of the child if you can help it. I know, he's going perform and make you look bad. Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do! If he's persistent, you may have to yank yourself away!
I think the counseling will help you. It may even help him in some small way. At best, you'll gain some insight on what's going-on with his ego and male-emotions. You'll equip yourself emotionally by being given the opportunity to tell him why this is happening. You've told him many times over; but you have to nail him down to get his attention, and full-understanding of it. Someone in the middle to buffer his attempts to control the situation his way.
Lets be real! You can't just turn people's feelings off to match yours. He's human, and he will do anything he can to keep his family together. He just won't own how much damage he has done in his marriage with his crazy behavior. He needs professional-help; and some very deep introspection in order for that to occur.
You were on the receiving-end of his worst behavior; so he doesn't quite comprehend the damage he has done, and continues to do. I think for the time-being, you may want to limit the time you spend with him.
You have to modify his behavior by not being physically-accessible. He's using all those gatherings to keep-up the interrogations and taunting for his own selfish-reasons. Rather than focusing on how this all affects your son. It's obvious how it bothers you! Some men take no to mean "maybe!" Their aggressive egos won't allow them to take "stop" for an answer! Their need for control is deaf to your rebuttals, and obstinate to your rejection.
It's commendable that you've tried to be civil; and you're putting your child first. Your kindness is being taken as an opportunity to continue his control-tactics. Those privileges have to be taken-away; until you know how to deal with him in this state of mind. The mediation and moderation of some professional-counseling may help you both.
Don't presume the counselor doesn't know when he's being clever, manipulative, or evasive. They are trained for this kind of behavior. If you see him getting the better of your counselor, get another one. Sometimes their bias is more than obvious.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 May 2019):
 I'm with the others. It's time you stop the family activities, because they are a lie. Your ex is using them and trying to have seemingly normal conversation and hugging you because he doesn't accept that you are no longer together, and to be honest, you are sending him MIXED SIGNALS about wanting to be together every time you get with him on weekend visits.
Keep as little contact as you can with him. Limit any communication with him whatsoever to court communication and "hand-offs" regarding your son, as well as any co-parenting you have to do. If he asks how you're doing, ignore him. If he tries to hug you, keep repeating "Don't touch me". If he keeps it up, tell him you will file a restraining order.
The other thing you can do is stop the counseling sessions. If you've done all that and are adamant about divorce, then get on with it! Counseling implies that there's a chance you'll get back together, and again, that's mixed signals that your ex is pouncing on. Instead, put your efforts into getting that divorce FINALIZED. Keep in contact with your lawyer and stay on top of timely court filings. Also, get a forensic accounting analysis of your finances so as to divide things properly. If you need an accountant to comb through his assets (i.e. 401K, retirement account, assets.) to ensure lawful and quick distribution.
The sooner you can wrap this up, finalizing the divorce, child custody, and everything else, the sooner you can put him in the past and out of your life forever.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 May 2019):
 First of all, well done for breaking free. That can't have been easy but you were strong enough to do it. Keep reminding yourself how strong you have been and know you can continue being strong, despite how weary you must feel sometimes and how exasperated at your husband's behaviour.
Why have you not divorced yet? Get the divorce in progress so that you can move on with your life and draw a line under this chapter.
Apart from not living together, you still seem to be acting like a family. You are spending as much time together as many families. While I totally understand you want to keep things as "normal" as possible for your son, going forward there is going to be a NEW "normal" and he needs to get used to that. Mummy and daddy no longer have a marriage and he needs to be comfortable with that. Hiding it from him by trying to pretend everything is as it was is not going to help you OR him.
Having broken free of your husband's control, he can only have as much affect on you as you allow. Stick to your guns. Make it plain you do NOT want to be touched AT ALL. Don't show him you are upset when he comes out with his stupid comments about not having to compliment you or anything else which is geared towards riling you. Shrug it off and change the subject. You KNOW why he is doing it but you can blank it if you want to.
You do NOT have to see him every evening. Give yourself a break from him because, otherwise, you will end up making yourself ill. You already know you do not like being around him. He can still be a hands-on dad to your son without being a pain in the arse to you. Can you not each collect your son from school on alternate days?
My feeling is that you are just way too nice a person, something of which your husband is taking full advantage. Your son needs you to be happy and healthy, which you can't be if your husband is still constantly chipping away at your brain. Accept that you cannot keep things the same for your son because, sadly, it isn't possible. He will get accustomed to however you choose to go forward. Take your own health and wellbeing into consideration and things will work out for you both.
Given what you have said about your husband, I doubt counselling will make much (if any) difference. You can, of course, try just so that you can say you did everything you could but, honestly, I think you already know it will change nothing.
Stick to your guns, be strong, get the divorce through and try to cut contact with your husband as much as you can. You need to stay civil for the sake of your son but you don't have to let him continue to abuse you.
You're a strong lady. You can do this. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2019):
 Honestly?
I think you are trying to do the best thing for your son, however... I don't think it's the BEST for you.
I would suggest that you CUT down the time you spend with or around your soon-to-be-ex as much as possible.
Don't do the weekend activities as a family when you NO LONGER is a family and when he is STILL badgering you with the 3rd degree.
Don't worry about whether the counselor believes YOU or your husband, it's REALLY irrelevant but talk about TOOLS and how to go about separating in the BEST way for the child AND yourself. If the counselor isn't HELPING you... switch counselor.
You NEED to try and STOP yourself from trying to fix or change your STBX - he IS who he is, you know that. What you NEED to work out is how YOU can deal with the past and how to live in the now. Your son needs a healthy mom, so DO make your health and mental health a priority.
When your STBX ask you questions, IGNORE them. Stick to talking about your son. Same goes for any texts.
The fact that you ARE still married doesn't GIVE him ANY rights to hug you or question you. You have told him you DO NOT wish it, that should be enough. But the thing is, he knows he is losing control over you so he is playing all these little games to make YOU feel miserable, and HE is winning. IF you let him.
So do not PLAY along. When he asks questions that are NONE of his business, IGNORE. If he tries to touch or hug, stop back or out of the way.
He is using those weekend activities to fuck with your head. Which is why I'd say stop them and let him know why. I'd tell him the point of those activities was to make it EASIER on your son with the divorce but since your STBX can't respect your boundaries you don't think it's helping ANY of you. THE last thing your son needs to watch is his mom being on the verge of breaking down. He doesn't understand the "finer" details of what dad is doing. NOR does it need to be explained to your son. But he does understand that you are not happy.
Why not instead take turns every other week end one of you have your son and then YOU can do activities with your son. With YOUR family or alone.
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