A
female
age
36-40,
*ltaylor
writes:I am a black woman and I feel that I am not attractive because of my skin color. I have statistics behind me proving this point. 70% of black women are single. How the hell is this happening? Really? We aren't desirable in any way? Really? Not even our own want us. Im open to all men. All men not just white or black and you would think that would improve my chances, right? NO! Wrong! Try again!Now dont get me wrong, because I am a woman first, I would have no problem getting a man for a fling but thats not what I want. I want an actual relationship with someone, as cliche as it sounds, special. Black men do not like me at all... So yes, I choose to date outside of my race so I would improve my chances of finding someone. But thats not working either. I feel like Im good enough to sleep with but not good enought to date and take home to meet your family and friends. I have done plenty of research on this subject and it saddens me. I see myself as a attractive, curvy(size 14, 5'9), educated, no kids having, loving life kinda chick. And before someone says race is not an issue, you are so wrong. Race is always gonna be an issue. Oprah discussed this so you know this is a serious issue. Thanks!BTW, Im doing research on this topic so that I can write about it so all of your opinions are really appreciated Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hotmommanell +, writes (7 October 2010):
It's a lie that people find blacks in general unattractive or black women in particular as unattractive. The black models, actresses and singers wouldn't get any play if that were true. What I do hear a lot of is whites - and some blacks relying on negative stereotypes of the big, loud ghetto black girl to shape their attitudes towards black women. Those people need to get out more and meet some real black women.
No ethnicity holds the corner on beauty. And many of the attributes that are considered beautiful black women possess - even most of the average looking black women. Full lips, check. Dangerous curves, check. Dusky, supple skin, check. Big lovely smiles, check.
From my own personal experience I attract all types of men simply by virtue of being attractive. And mind you, I'm not Halle Berry or Angela Basset. I'm dark, with delicate features a pretty smile, shoulder length hair and a rack of envy (sure that helps. LOL.)
A woman, no matter what race is desired by men if she is nice looking. You don't necessarily need to be drop dead gorgeous. Women with West African features or East African features are as likely to be gorgeous. So don't believe the ignorant propoganda that would have you believe black women are not desired, because its a lie.
Also, with respect to the marriage statistics that's a black community, sociological thing and black folk need to get there sh* together thing - not a "nobody wants black women thing." Look deeper.
Ciao.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Read this entire post.Your answers are right here.You just have to look deeply
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 February 2010):
 One good thing to maybe come out of this post is that baddog considered changing his avatar to an elephant seal...ohhh I wish he would, his weird guard dog one is too scary creepy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Agreed Baddogdj, I shouldn't put words in your mouth that you did not say.
Sorry sltayor that your post may have become a little hot. No harm meant, we are really trying to think about the question and answer it. Race always brings out differences of opinion.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Thank you Miamine, that's all very civil of you. I have to stress though I never used the word "aggressive" or anything close to it nor did I say "fat" - I weigh 290 pounds myself for heaven's sake!
To the anonymous Chinese lady, I have to say that I'm sorry that I disagree but that is a whole different discussion.
...............................
A
female
reader, sltaylor +, writes (8 February 2010):
sltaylor is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Carrot2000! But check out my other post. I turned the bickering into a game. Check it out, it should be fun!
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (8 February 2010):
 As an AMERICAN black woman, I feel your pain. I've had black men practically step over me to get to a white woman. I have male relatives that would never deign to date a black woman.
We're told we are emasculating, too loud, too demanding, too money-hungry, too tall, too short, too dark, too light, too fat...we are too much of everything that is negative. We are burdened by such horrible stereotypes.
If black women are seen as attractive or desirable mates, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
Nevertheless, I have not given up hope. If I believe I can't attract a decent man of any race, I won't attract a decent man of any race. I focus my energy on being positive in the belief that like attracts like, and it's only a matter of time before I find a man who is worthy of all I have to offer.
On the other hand, I could be completely deluding myself and I eventually will become a crazy cat lady. :-)
To the guys who have responded to this post, how many of you have ever dated a black woman, or even had a romantic interest in a black woman?
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
And yes, I meant for you to feel the little digs.. "small weakling Chinese" stereotypes, bring up raw nerves, just like "black aggressive fat female" dose.. :) No harm meant, this is just discussion.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
Damn.. sorry, I wrote an essay.. hahahahaha.. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
Baddogbj, I accept that you are speaking from your cultural perspective, and understand that you were trying to answer the question that was stated. Yep, you touched a raw nerve, but that's because the UK situation is different, and I felt that you hadn't identified that black women come in all shapes and sizes. Chinese people on the whole are small and light, but I'm aware that some are tall, and there are dark Chinese people as well. I just felt that you hadn't made enough distinction between the differences "within" racial groups. But I do not think your intention was to insult or offend, rather to solve the problem that the original poster asked.
Going back to the original problem, the reason why you have so many answers from British/European people is that we have probably dealt with this issue already. Black women used to feel that they couldn't get dates with black guys (too many in prision, too many uneducated, not enough of the higher classes, many choosing white partners, etc) They couldn't get dates with white guys (black women are too agressive, too manly built, demand too much of men, are too exotic, they don't fancy white men, my family won't like it, etc) Beingblack has shared his experience, yes there was a time when black women in the UK felt angry and left out.
However, things have changed here now. It is common for Black, white and Indian to date black women. Things are much more mixed up now, and there is a common problem of white, black, and Indian women not finding suitable men to date. It's no longer a colour issue, so much as a issue men not seeming to want to make proper committed relationships. There are many single women of all colours, but there is no longer a sharp division about who or what colour is suitable to date.
Why did this happen in the UK? This "founder" effect sounds good to me. Attitudes in the UK have changed and it happened much more naturally. However we have a large white population in the UK, 95% or so. So it's easier to assimilate, and our history of race includes slavery, but it also includes very strong links with the anti-slavery movement, and centuries of black/white marriage and settlement. America is very, very different. The UK did not have laws against inter-marriage, or segregation laws as such, so it has been easier for our country to except marriages between different cultures.
As far as I know, mixed marriages between black and chinese are not very common at all in the UK. Chinese people seem to strictly marry amongst themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): "one of the least attractive aspects of Chinese culture is a deep seated prejudice against dark skinned people"
That is not true. (I'm the other poster down there.)
It's just a culture type of thing to marry another Chinese. I'm sure lots of other cultures expect their children to marry the same race as the family.
For me, I would want to marry a chinese guy! (not because i hate/dislike white/black/etc people) Because its just 'common sense' (i guess) that external factors influenced me into wanting.
The "chinese people" were just a example to prove that culture differences have to do with the way people act. It is not to put down any type of races that people don't feel attracted to?....
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (7 February 2010):
I seem to have offended a number of black ladies including the OP and quite likely others here. That was never my intention. The OP raised a provocative question - read it again - it is provocative to ask why despite many estimable qualities
"... 70% of black women are single. How the hell is this happening? Really? We aren't desirable in any way? Really? Not even our own want us."
I put forward one possible answer to the question and have been roundly shot down for doing so. I have been away from the west so long that I am out of tune with what is acceptable to say and what is not allowed.
I tried to couch my answer in terms that made it clear that I view black women in nothing but a positive light. My first language until the age of 4 was Swahili. My primary carer as a young child was Kipsigis. I spent much of the rest of my childhood in Fiji whose people I still regard as the finest most dignified people in the world - and yes the women in Fiji tend to be a little plump.
I said "Women of West African origin" specifically rather than "African American because what matters in relation to our body types is our ethnic origin not our cultural identification. Most of us are complex genetic mosaics but the majority of African Americans have origins in West Africa (say Yoruba or Igbo), but someone such as your president who identifies culturally as African American but is of Luo origin would have an entirely different genetic make up.
Someone raised the issue of Ethiopian Women (incidentally famed for their stunning beauty). Of course someone from Ethiopia is going to look different from and have different genetics from a person of West African origin. Africa is a big place with a lot of different types of people. That is why I tried to be specific.
As for me, given that we seem to be having a hate session on this skinny Chinese guy, no I'm not Chinese although I've lived in China for the last 16 years but thanks all the same for the little dig at the "skinny" "neurotic" Chinese guys (I won't get too offend on their behalf as one of the least attractive aspects of Chinese culture is a deep seated prejudice against dark skinned people). And no, I'm not skinny either, I don't keep track of my weight but I've just jumped on the scales for your benefit and they tell me that I'm little over 135kg (my wife with 3 children under 10 weighs exact 1/3 of what I do - maybe I should change my profile photo to an elephant seal!). I had a suit made for Christmas so I know that my chest is 54 inches and my waist is still somewhat less than that. I feel pretty healthy at this weight and so, in answer to Miamine's comment, yes I do understand about "muscle and bone density". I'm also pug ugly.
Can we leave it there? I didn't mean to offend. I'm sorry if I have. I was just trying to answer the question.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): in the chinese culture. (and yes i am chinese)Parents EXPECT to get a soninlaw or daughterinlaw of the SAME ethnicity, due to many reasons. (Like religion, family morals, unspoken rules. etc)other ethnicities probably have this type of problem too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
And since you brought it up...did you make allowances for race, muscle and bone density... you quote figures that you have no understanding about.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
Baddogdj, you said West African women, you never said anything about African American women originally.... I've got Jamaican parents and live in the UK, where do I fit on your statistics... and while your there, can you look up Ethiopian women, they never seem to put on weight and seem to like very slim.
There's lies, lies, and then there are damn statistics.... there's a lot of class issues going on in America, so taking weight gain may have nothing to do with genetics, but might be because blacks happen to earn less and eat bad food.
You say your from China...well your guys look very small to me. I've got a black woman's frame, and in my culture to be plump shows good health, and to be too skinny shows your neurotic and probably have mental health problems.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (6 February 2010):
 I am white and I prefer black men,however when I ask my white guy friends if they'd ever date a black woman,the answer is negative.Yes they'd love to sleep with one but not be with one.The reason?They fear black women are too exotic,too different.Another issue is the parents.No parent would like a black person in their family (old mindsets,stereotypes) and greek boys are cowards. I am in Greece btw.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (5 February 2010):
I'm sorry, I was not trying to be offensive, but you asked an interesting question and I and others were trying to find answers. The facts support my view that African American women do plump up more. Whether that is a reason that you are having difficulty getting dates is pure supposition. My logic could well be wrong but the facts are the facts.
I'd refer you to the weight data collected during the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) III. This a very formal survey the data for which can be accessed through the website of the Centres for Disease Control (CDC). The weight data is conveniently summarised on the following webpages (not CDC pages):
For black women in America http://www.halls.md/on/women-weight-b.htm
For white women in America http://www.halls.md/chart/women-weight-w.htm
If you look at the 50th percentile line for black women it rises above 78 kg between the mid 40s and mid 60s whereas the 50th percentile line for white women peaks at 70kg from about 53 years of age to 63 years of age.
The average white 40 year old woman in America weighs 67kg whilst the average black 40 year old woman weighs 77kg.
...............................
A
female
reader, sltaylor +, writes (5 February 2010):
sltaylor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe founder effect??? Hmmm, Im gonna have to look that one up. Thanks for all the responses. Most of my replies are coming from non-Americans. Maybe I should just move to you guys country lol. Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2010):
Hey troubletoomuch, you forgot about me..
And not all black women are fighters, look at me, I'm a little pussy cat.. :)
Caller, yep, notice the dating problem meself... mmmmm... no answer for you, I'm still pondering the issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, sltaylor +, writes (5 February 2010):
sltaylor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk maybe I was unclear. I noticed a lot of the people that responded were not from the US. A lot of the countries are a bit more accepting of black women but in the US thats not the case. And I really am an educated woman. I dont project any ghetto or hood attitudes. I have many more white friends than I do black because of my personality. But thats also due to the fact I went off to school for college in a predominantly white area.
I noticed a few replies saying things about my attitude. Yes I am independant and yes Im strong willed and yes I know what I want. But thats the way I was brought up. And I dont see that as a bad thing. As far as the stats that were given, you guys can do the research for yourself. The reasons that are given for black women being single is because a lot of us are waiting for the black men but the availibility is not there. Black men are either in jail and the gay stats in black males are going up also. The few black men that are available are either dating outside of their race or playing the field cuz lets face it, they can. The numbers are just not there.
But it may be because of where I live. I live in the midwest where a lot of things are still unaccepted. Interracial dating is still kinda taboo. Dont get me wrong, I like all men but I do see myself looking more so at white men than I do black men but thats what I see. I dont see myself as unattractive. I see myself as an awesome person who loves to laugh and can offer a lot in a relationship.
To one replier, it says that black women gain weight or something when they get older and thats y white men dont want to date black women for fear of them getting bigger when there older... ??????... Umm black dont crack. Black women can be 60 and look 40. Ive seen plenty of women of all races that breaks in the face and gain weight mostly in unflattering areas. My mother is 51 and she gets mistaken as my sister. My grandma is 70 and she gets mistaken for 50 all the time. So thats a ridiculus statement and I really hope you dont tell your son that if he ever decide to date a black woman. But you also got me thinking, if thats what your telling your son then there is no telling what fathers are telling their sons about women, in general. Thats just nuts!
However thanks for the replies, some were really good and some were just... lol. Thanks!
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Growing up and living in the UK has meant that my entire family was surrounded by predominantly white, english people. I have four older sisters. I watched them grow up to become beautiful, clever, independent black women.
In the past, they all suffered from the same prejudices that black people in a white society are prone to. They were taunted by their peers at school, turned down for jobs in favour of a less qualified white person, and followed around department stores by staff. Sounds funny, but it happened! It probably still does.
This made them very defensive about themselves. Defensive, not aggressive. It is sometimes easy to confuse the two. So my four sisters all went through a stage where they were perceived as 'feisty' and miserable. They were hardening their attitudes to life, so that the world could not see the hurt, frustrated, and disappointed young black women inside.
But thats the problem. Many black people need to be a person first, and a colour second. It isn't easy though, because the first thing people notice about me is not my size, or my shoes, or my suit. Its my colour. They rarely take time to see the 'me' behind the black skin. It needs effort from both sides. Black people need to stop trying to project 'blackness' on the world. There is no need. Skin colour is the one thing that everyone can already see. But white people need to try to look past our skin colour to see the man or woman inside.
So, it wasn't until my sisters each became comfortable with how they were pereived, that other people began to see the 'woman' first. Four sisters, four careers. TV social worker, company director, headteacher, home office junior minister. They took their time, and became comfortable with WHO they are, as well as WHAT they are. Four happily married women, two with white partners, two with black.
Black women need to be 'women' first. To many, skin colour matters, but it should not. A persons character and demeanour is what makes them attractive. Years ago, I met a lovely shapely woman in New York who worked for CBS. She wasn't particularly pretty, but her personality made her one of the sexiest women I have ever met. I would have given an arm and a leg for a chance with her, but I am in a relationship.
If you can smile, love yourself, and be happy with life, you find that whatever your skin colour, you become incredibly attractive to many people.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I disagree with your preposterous statements. You have bandied about incredible statistics without any proof of their validity. Citations are needed. I think any woman is attractive to the eye of the beholder and it is the ATTITUDE of the woman that will make her attractive and a worthy conquest. If she projects a poor attitude or feels superior rather than an equal she will get very few takers.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (4 February 2010):
 This could be a long complicated topic, Women are judged by the way the men of there race rates them, White men notoriously worshiped there women for centuries even enacting laws prohibiting men of other races to enter relation ships with them.
Up untill the 1960 and 70s many places in America forbade interacial relationships and in some parts of the world like SouthAfrica those types of laws lasted evene into the 1990s, and just like in the US it was a law enacted by white men to prevent white women from having relation ships with black men.
For centuries black men helplessly watched their white masters have there way with their women any black man that said anything was tortured beaten and lynched, over time black women gained strong dominant personalities.
as Black men came up in the world the western world, and laws and attitudes changed they began to pursue women more intuned to the life style for ex from the 70s to 90s a black professional male ie a doctor, lawyer, engineer or professor would more then likely marry a white woman, because thats what went with the corporate job and the cadillac.
oh but times have changed between the crack laws of the 80s the forty year strong hip hop revolution more women getting degrees then men, and Michelle Obama this will be a new era for black women all women really.
Poster you make some interesting claims "Black men do not like me at all"Not even our own want us I am a black woman and I feel that I am not attractive because of my skin color"
I honestly think it more social then physical black women tend to to be dominant and aggressive more so then most other women because they have fought a munch harder battle for any type of acceptance.
Well hope this helps i would like to kno how your report goes if you get an account on here let me kno
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (4 February 2010):
I'm very very white and I live in a culture (China) which has an unfortunately negative attitude towards black people, however as a child I was substantially raised, with wonderful kindness, by African and Pacific Island women. Almost everyone I care about owes their existence to a black doctor who saved my father when he was a baby. I have never been out with a black woman but I've certainly lusted after a few. I think that we can just accept it as a fact that there are many stunningly beautiful black women. I say all of this to try to offset how rude I'm going to be in few lines. What would I say however to my son (who is mixed race CaucAsian) if he was thinking of marrying a black girl? If he was sure of his feelings I'd offer him my heartfelt congratulations. If he was still weighing things in the balance I'd say that black - white couples do, unfortunately, seem to come in for more prejudice (from both sides) than do other combinations and also that many women of West African origin do seem to plump up hugely as they grow older. Of course this is a crass generalisation but I think many men would be terrified at the prospect that the svelte young black woman that they start going out with grows into a rather more substantial figure as she goes through her 30s and thereafter.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Hi hun, I am white, nice looking, take care of myself, educated and SINGLE. I know why I am single...because I won't be treated in the way many men like to treat women now a days. The first thing I won't allow is too fast sex. You can't tell if a man likes you or not if you give him sex right away. I will choose who I will be with, and the funny thing is, most men I go out on a date with, want to see more of me, but they don't fit MY standard.
Perhaps you should try my attitude...I check out the man and think...are you good enough for me??? This seems to make men knock them selves out to impress you. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would have one in a heartbeat, but until I spot the right one.....NEXT Whatever you do, don't have sex with them, that's the quickest way to not get a call back ;)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I think that it's an issue as you said not even 'our own' find you attractive, which shows your making a point of race, maybe it's just your personality which is the problem
...............................
A
male
reader, Canewood +, writes (3 February 2010):
It sounds like to me that you have a lot of ideals in your mind. That is a good thing. It puts you above the general rat race. However they can also stand in your way. One can become so strong in your standards that you judge your way or question your way through a date. Thats not going to be attractive to anyone. You must breath a little. Yes, stay focused on who you are and what you want. Don't lower your standards. But be ok to say thats not what I am looking for and walk away. Its not personal. Black women are attractive but the way most of us see black women is that they are "strong". That translates in real life to pushy and . . . well we won't say. Now, is that fair. No it is not. But I think you are fighting that idea of a black women more than you are the physical. Be strong on the inside and gracious on the outside. No one wants to date a sword. And then again don't focus on it. We all know this but forget it. Water takes longer to boil when we stand there watching it. Keep yourself blanaced and you will find the right one. I promise. Be the person you want to get. I wish you the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): where you getting these whacky stastistic's ???
Just as troubledtomuch said, there are alot of pretty black women !! There are just as many pretty woman of any skin color same as there are *ahem* "not so pretty women* of any skin color.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Unattractive???? Beyonce, Halle Berry, Tamron Hall (on MSNBC), the black babe I saw at the mall yesterday (my heart's still fluttering), Diana Ross, Michelle Obama, etc. Sorry, I can't agree and I'm white. There are just as many attractive black women as white or Asian or whatever women and just as many unattractive ones as the others.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): 70% of black women are single is bullshit statistic, your source is very wrong with that.
Black women are not seen as unattractive, yes there are people that don't date outside their race and yes there are also people that do find black women unattractive because of their race, but those people are fools. Dating isn't a numbers game, a lot of people seem to think it is but it's not.
The mistake you, and a lot of other women make, is you think if you initiate contact or organize a date with a guy, that he can only possibly be after a fling, because girls just don't do that.
Unless you want to stay single you'd better start making the move yourself, most of us guys are pretty straight forward about this whole thing, if you ask we'll tell you yes or no.
If you have no problem getting a guy for a fling then do, just don't bring sex into the equation until you've gotten to know him a bit better.
Or you could do what most women still do, even though we're supposed to have equality, the guy still has to make all the moves, girls still do things the mysterious way, throwing out hints and flirting but never getting straight to the point.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 personally I don't have any problems with black women, I see the same things in them as any other woman. I couldn't tell you what's wrong but I can tell you that I don't think that way which says that there are definitly people who you have a shot with, plently of people even. Just do not give up hope. A huge number of other women are single too. Don't believe statistics, believe what you see.
...............................
|
