A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my wife of 2 yrs (together for 8 years), had mentioned casually that she dated a black guy in colllege. Now i feel like Im not good enough to satisfy her beause he was so much bigger. She also has dated a lot mofe guys than me and it makes me jealous. I dont like feeling like this and I dont know why after 8 years Im sick over it now.
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male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
I'm assuming she told you he was bigger than you (like may questioners, you are vague). It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive women can be.
She told you for one of two reasons:
1. She is insensitive and it was a conversation piece.
2. She is a bitch and is rubbing your nose in it.
This is a very thoughtless thing to say. It's like she's saying "your dick is too small, please explain yourself." Dragging this out and humiliating you and crushing your self esteem after 8 years together and 2 years of marriage...
She either has no idea, like a lot of women, or she has every idea that you are crushed by this. Maybe you should have an affair. She doesn't appreciate you.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 I'm a woman, and I have never been sexually active. I'm super attracted to Hispanic guys but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with other ethnic groups and, yes, I've dated black guys. Nothing wrong with that! Obviously it had nothing to do with that stereotype about black guys... I don't believe it's true and it doesn't matter to me because I'm saving sex!!
What I'm saying is that most of us women don't care about penis size and most of us certainly wouldn't choose a partner based on that.
Everyone has a past, and your wife is as normal as they come. She dated other guys before she met you, and like most of us, she went through of a series of guys before she CHOSE you!! My guess is she's just open minded and can see past the race of a guy. She had a series of boyfriends that came and went, but that's in the past. She never knew you existed, so of course she didn't abstain from dating until you came along! It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or that she won't be faithful.
Jealousy is a very strong form of evil... if you allow yourself to dwell on this it will make you crazy and strain your relationship. Perhaps it would help you to talk with someone... a counselor, for example. Are you religious? Perhaps a pastor or priest could help.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (2 May 2010):
 "So if you get violently raped and then you keep reliving the trauma afterwards, is that a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder too? "
Actually, PTSD and OCD are connected, so yes, a rape survivor may actually be suffering from both disorders.
The poster has had no personal experience with the big dick that is causing him so much concern. The existence of said big dick is, in fact, something he's made it up in his mind, based largely on the fact that the penis is attached to the body of a man of African descent. The poster is describing involuntary persistent and unwanted thoughts and images of this big dick, which is suggestive of OCD. Nowhere in my post did I give him a definitive diagnosis of OCD because I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV. I merely suggested it as a possible explanation for the sudden onset of these thoughts and feelings.
I'm not sure being jealous of an imaginary big dick is a normal feeling for a man, so I'll just take your word on this.
BTW, I live with someone with OCD, and yes, it is treatable. Not curable, but treatable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): So if you get violently raped and then you keep reliving the trauma afterwards, is that a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder too?
What about PTSD types of reliving traumas?
Lots of different emotional traumas cause a person to keep reliving it in their minds. The only thing that proves is that the person's retroactive jealousy is an actual emotional truama that is being suffered. It's not merely some detached intellectual opinion that they are holding by choice.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 It is actually bordering racism, what you have asked us. I would appreciate it if the USA government did something about the racist problems in it's own country, rather than looking at Australia and accusing us of being racist.
Forgive me if I am overreacting.
Your wife chose you for her own personal reasons. You should try to forget about the past. We all have things in the past that we are not happy about.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): I don't know where Carrot2000 gets the idea that retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD or that it is "treatable". Millions of people would beg to differ.
Why shouldn't I just call it a mental disorder for my wife to object to me sleeping with other women, for example? I could just declare her objections to be a form of OCD and therefore a treatable "condition" she has. That way I could blame her for her normal feelings.
Retroactive jealousy is not a disorder. No more than any other form of jealousy. Jealousy is a saddening and frustrating problem but it's not a form of sickness.
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A
female
reader, princessofGod43 +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Sir, many have said the same thing let it go...let it go!!! your wife did chose you ...so if size mattered she picked the winner in the bunch ...how bout that...she is your wife and you are suppose to honor and treasure like God...are you jealous...with jealously all manners of evil are invited into your life...if you don't want to go crazy with this tell yourself I'm the biggest then...but as an african american woman...i can tell you first hand no race has the size card okay...no move on to bigger and better things in your marriage! God Bless
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (30 April 2010):
If your wife casually mentioned dating a black man, I sincerely doubt that she also "casually" mentioned the size of his penis. You're assuming that because he's black he must have a big d*ck; why are you buying into a stereotype? Are you worried about all of the other guys she's dated or just the black one?
You may be suffering from retroactive jealousy, which is a form of OCD. The good news is that it's treatable. Please make an appointment with your GP to see if this is why you're feeling the way you are. You don't want to destroy your marriage over obsessive thoughts.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I'm going to throw a spin at this. I'm a 'gay man' at heart in a girl's body. By this I mean yeah, size matters and big penises rock! I had one that was huge and I was never unsatisfied. I was in fact, very satisfied and slept like a baby, a lot. His sexual skills are the absolute best.HOWEVER. and I need to repeat it several times...so consider it repeated.He was the biggest a**hole I've ever met. The absolute WORST personality and just about everything else. If I could take his penis and his skills with me, I would have, but that was ALL he was to me. A big dick. Literal and not. I was married to that idiot for one reason. I had a child and thought it was the right thing to do. It wasn't.Now I'm with a guy who's a little insecure because he's new to all this. I think, in his head, he's doing like you, comparing himself to my ex husband and thinking he's coming up short. He's not. Chances are, you're not either.My cutie isn't the best lover in the world. How could he be? He's still learning. I don't mind it. What I love about him isn't his skills or his penis. It's him.Suppose all that was stripped away and I was stuck with bad sex the rest of my life, I would still be with him. Btw, I'm not saying we have bad sex, I'm using it as an example.I choose HIM because of who he is, not what he can or can't do in the bedroom.So please, stop beating yourself up over this. She chose you for a reason and my guess is, it wasn't your penis because bottom line? We want good partners and sexual lovers, not sexual body parts.Even someone like me, with a huge sexual appetite as if I were a gay man still has the sense to know, it's not the sex a man gives, it's what he does before and after that. Ie. normal life stuff.
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A
male
reader, Fletch +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I know its easier said than done to forget about it and move on. I think one of the answers maybe more accurate than the others. Maybe there is something going on in your life that has you feeling inadequate or depressed, job, income, debt, status in life right now? Work on improving your relationship and yourself, thats what I'm trying to do. Women like confident men, find a way to be confident and don't show her your weak side regarding this situation, MAN UP! Thats the advice I'm taking for myself, I'm in a similar situation. Not a black guy, just other guys.....it doesn't matter anymore dude, forget about it.... build on your current relationship with her and make her happy, if you love her, treat her like a princess. Think about it, all guys are programmed to go after the best looking women, ALL women aren't the best looking, so the ones that are are pursued harder than the others. Those good looking women have there choice of guys and are bound to have a lot of opportunities to go out and have sex. More than your average guy. If you're married to a good looking woman, you're a lucky guy. People are the sum total of who they are because of the past... go workout and get fit, learn a new skill.........prove you love your woman more, she'll appreciate it. I've also heard that women don't look at they're former lovers like guys do, guys think about every detail of the womans body and what you did together and mentally picture the entire scenario. I've heard women don't really do that as much, I'd like to know more about that myself.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I don't think you're as jealous as much as you are insecure of yourself. Who's married to her? Who did she choose to spend her life with? To her, you're good enough to walk down the isle with and be married to. If she felt you were not, would you be there now? Black, white, big, whatever else, she chose you, so their must be something about you that makes all that you are worried about irrelevant. Focus on your marriage, and the love you two share. Nothing outside your marriage matters, but if you make it an issue you're loosing out on the enjoyment and intimacy of being married to her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I think you would be very wise to let this go. Unless your wife is bragging about this guy and rubbing your nose in it, then what is the problem? So she dated someone else..I would imagine that you dated others too, right? Almost all of us have a past, whether we like it or not, and for you to agonize over this is just a waste of time. She loved you, she married you, and for ALL of you..not just a part.If the guy was so great, then why isn't she with him..right?? Do yourself a favor and leave the past IN the past. It just isn't worth the way its making you feel to think about it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Aw come on.
Maybe you don't realize that you imply that your wife is an idiot- you imply that all she cares about in a man is the size of his penis ( And by the way ,how do you know he was so much bigger than you. Did she say so, or are you assuming that ALL black guys are overendowed ?). In your mind, after 8 years, your wife does not care about your love for her and all the qualities that attracted her to you- oh no, she is just so in love with penises that she will authomatically compare you unfavourably to her ex boyfriend.
Chances are that after 8 years your wife does not even rember the physical details about his ex - neither his face nor anything else. If she has chosen you, it's because she wanted you - and all the parts of YOUR body.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Something like this can get to you at any time. Perhaps your relationship is going through a down patch? That might bring out doubts and insecurities, such as 'not being good enough to satisfy her'. Or perhaps you are feeling bad because of something else in your life that has nothing to do with her?
It's quite common for guys to feel this (although less common to admit it). Just remember that jealousy makes us believe things that aren't true, even if at the time it seems completely clear! Such as feeling inadequate, or imagining things in the past that really didn't happen.
Unfortunately there is no easy fix. The best I can recommend is to just not think about it. Remind yourself that she married you and loves you, and do some fun and new things together. If you find yourself thinking thoughts about her past and feeling jealous, just catch yourself doing it and change the subject in your head to something different. And when you are having theses negative feelings, be very careful not to take them out on her: that will hurt her. Likewise, i recommend not asking her any questions about her past: since that will just give you more details to become jealous of. You might want to ask your wife not to talk about her past partners, since it triggers a jealous reaction in you, which as you said you don't like feeling.
The more you think about this, the more jealous you become. Try not to feed the jealousy, and it will slowly retreat.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Look around man, how many of those other guys are still around? How many did she choose to spend the rest of her life with? She chose you. Everybody has things in their past but try to remember it's just that: the past.
You are her husband. If you didn't satisfy her or if she didn't love you, she wouldn't have married you.
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