A
female
age
30-35,
*eautifulParadise
writes:My mom thinks I should give the baby the fathers last name but I don't think I should because I'm not married to him and he isn't in the picture. Won't that be an issue at school for my son and wherever I take him, if we have different last names. What did some of you do in this situation? Thanks! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 If dad is not in the picture, then you give baby your last name. You are his family. Not only will it make life easier, it will also be better for baby as it grows up to feel like part of your family, and not like part of a family that he doesn't even know...
A
female
reader, mad stacey  +, writes (23 March 2017):
Hi ..please give your baby your name if dads not in the picture my boys have my name I like it that way
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (23 March 2017):
It sounds like the father is very uncaring and wants to avoid any responsibilities for the child. I certainly would not give the child the name of this loser, which would only serve to continually remind you of him and also make the child constantly wonder what happened to daddy.
If you find a new partner, he may resent taking on the responsibility of a child who is named after a previous sperm donor who cut and run. Also, it will be sometimes be confusing to others if the child's last name is different from both you and your partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Newgirlintown  +, writes (22 March 2017):
I gave my son my last name. His dad and I were together (dating) when he was born but we weren't married so I figured I wanted him to ahve my name. We ended up breaking up and now I'm glad that he has my last name.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): You could hyphenate the child's last name. Then he could have both mom & dad's names that way. I see a lot of people who are doing that now.
Also, you probably won't run into problems just because your last name is different than your child's. It is pretty common today also. Lots of people have children outside of marriage like this.
R
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 You are the child's parent, it appears you will be responsible for making the major decisions and also the day to day care of this child. Give him your name ....his absent father's name is not one to be proud of.
Good luck and best wishes to you and the new addition to the world.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 If the child's dad isn't in the picture then he doesn't deserve the honor of having his last name given to the child. Give the baby your last name!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): You should give the child your last-name. If the father wasn't present at the hospital at the time of birth, you can't add his name to the child's birth-certificate in his absence. So it makes little difference whose surname you give him at this point. It doesn't prove anything.
He can deny being the father until a paternity test is performed to prove he is the biological father.
In some states the mother has the right to give the child any surname she wants. Some even hyphenate and give both last-names. It isn't legally binding until a paternity test proves who the biological father is.
If the biological father agrees, you can both sign a legal affidavit adding his father's name to the birth-certificate.
The biological father can petition to adopt his son to give him his last-name. This gives him full birthrights and entitlement to any future inheritance of money, benefits, or property; as an heir and/or survivor. So you have to go the legal route if you're concerned about that.
The problem is, not being in the picture; there is no telling what he will ever do regarding his son in the future.
If you are concerned about child-support, a paternity test will be necessary in any case. The surname is irrelevant if the paternity test proves he is the biological father.
As far as single-mother's go these days, your proud heritage and surname is all he needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovelygirl03 +, writes (22 March 2017):
I feel regardless if the man is in the picture he's still your sons dad and you made him together. My boyfriends daughter has two men's last name and she will one day discover why she has two men's last name because her mom is a fucking moron. But realistically do the right thing
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 March 2017):
 If the father is not in the picture, your son's name should be yours, not his. That's what I believe anyways.
I understand your mom's line of thinking, but two things are driving that, both being antiquated lineage record-keeping related.
50 years ago, many single mothers were such because of divorce or widowhood, and the idea of the baby having the father's last name was because of the marriage that was. Also, last names were inheritance-driven in generations past, and the family tree was always drawn as a patriarchal construct. Such thinking is hard to break out of, since it has hundreds of years of practical precedence, given that it conferred ownership of property, or identified who the father was like Oleson, Johnson, Erickson, Gunnarson, Paulson, or occupation, like Smith, Miller, or Tanner (many last names had to do with what people did for a living, and many businesses passed from father to son).
We are in modern times, and single parenthood has become more of a choice and less of a stigma than ever before. Many childrens' names are different than their parents', but you are the sole parent in this case. You're passing your values, your resources, your life, your lessons, and 100% of your love to your new son. I am someone who believes that to give someone your name is a great gift and honor, and in this case, if there is any perfect thing to give your child, it is your name. In this day and age, your last name isn't any less important than a man's last name, and a matriarchal lineage has never been more sought after and studied than today with websites like ancestry.
I thought interesting thoughts growing up. When I saw the Terminator and its sequel, I noted that John Connor was given his mother's last name, not his father's. It fits, don't you think? She gave him everything, including her life. I have no doubt you will be a fantastic mother as well, and your name is worthy of passing down.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 March 2017):
 A friend of mine had 4 children by 3 different men. Luckily she gave all of them her own surname, until she got married to the father of the last 2 children. The last two, because they were still very young, had their surnames changed to that of their father, while the older two chose to keep the surname they had grown up with.
Nowadays it is not unusual for kids to have different surnames to their parents.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): I know a few people who have given their baby the fathers last name and then the fathers have left and not been in the child's life and it's a massive regret to the mother. If he's not in your life at all then give him your name as it will be you who will be bringing the child up not the father
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): give it your last name! maybe your mom is traditional, as the child traditionally takes the dad's last name but to me, that's silly. I'm in academia and women to marry don't change their last names, and their kids sometimes take mom's last name. I certainly plan for my child to have my last name, married or not. I gave birth and was pregnant for 9 months! It better have my last name.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): "Won't that be an issue at school for my son and wherever I take him, if we have different last names."What would be a much bigger issue is your kid wondering whyhe has the last name of a complete stranger he never met instead of yours. Your absentee deadbeat sperm donor has done nothing to deserve the honor of having a child named after him. And even if baby daddy isn't in the picture he is still legally and morally obligated to financially support his spawn to the fullest extent of his ability to pay, and as a mother you are legally and morally obligated to pursue every legal avenue available to compel him to fulfill his responsibilities. Child support is just that, CHILD support and not baby mama support and if you don't obtain a court order of support then you will be denying your child what is rightfully his.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2017):
 If the dad is not in the picture give him yours.
You CAN if you want to hyphen it with the father's last name, but I don't see why you should. His father's name will be on the birth certificate I presume? That should be enough.
What if you marry in a few years? he would still have a different name than you, unless the new husband adopts him.
My youngest niece had a child with a guy who isn't in the picture, who works jobs under the table for his family so he doesn't have to support this and 3 other children (with 3 other women) and I say my niece was smart enough to NOT give her child the last name if the child's father.
What is your mom's reasoning to saying you should give the child the father's name? Does her reasoning make sense to you? If it does, consider it. If it doesn't, don't do it.
There are no laws that can "make" you give the child the father's name.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 March 2017):
 Personally, I think he deserves no name connection if he isn't going to step up as the father.
When you say he isn't in the picture, why is that? Does he know? Has he refused to step up? If he doesn't know, you should tell him (unless he's abusive/an addict/etc.). You need to get financial support from him, though.
I think you should give the baby your surname.
...............................
|
