A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would appreciate some opinions please, and thank you.There are TWO parts to my problem.I believe I have met my soulmate. I have only felt this way once before, so I know the feeling. I knew it immediately. We have been together nearly a year. It has been incredibly romantic and passionate with a few small obstacles on the way, which we have worked through. my bf left his email open on my laptop, and I read:On Valentines day, he sent a message to a woman he had dated before me, wishing her a happy valentines day and attached a picture of flowers. I asked him if he had been in touch with her, and he said he hadn't for a long time. Also, my bf said he had to go away for work and asked if I would go, but I told him I would be extremely busy with work at that time. Now he has planned the trip without me and will stay with his best friend who is a (married) woman. He knows I am a bit uncertain about his relationship with this woman, as he calls her baby, and tells her he loves her and misses her often. He swears they are and only ever have been friends and that they have always talked to each other like that. He has planned his trip over a long weekend, not a working week, so I could have gone if I knew this. I asked what he would do over the weekend and he said he would be hanging out with his friends. I read on his email he is planning to go to a 'huge' birthday party with his friends. We have discussed that we would always invite each other to big social events, but in this instance, he is hiding it from me (even thought I couldn't go unless i went away with him). So, apart from how hurt I am, that he has secretly arranged something with another woman, and that he seems to not want me with him on special occasion, and that I wasn't the only woman he wished a happy valentines day to, my problem is, he has lied to me. He knew I was really upset when I asked about both these things, and was very kind, loving, re-assuring about his love for me, so he may have been trying to protect my feelings by not telling me the truth.I am not sure what to do now. I feel he is my 'twin-soul', I know it with every fibre of my being that he is my one true love. BUT, I do not want to live with deceit as it eats me up alive, not totally trusting the person you are with. I feel that he is 'it' for me, I will not love again (through choice) as it takes me SO LONG to recover....and I just can not trust anyone anymore, especially if I can not trust the one person I believed in more than anyone ever before.What would YOU do? Have you ever been this man, and what does it really mean? Are I worrying about something so minor in the scheme of things? He is incredibly loving, kind, generous, passionate in every OTHER WAY. He has never been married before and says he wants to marry me.THANK YOU so much for any feedback.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Thank you all for your time in replying. I appreciate it so much. You have validated my feelings, which is great for me. Thanks anon female, I appreciate the benefit of the doubt view, he was specific in what he would do on the nights away and named who he would see and how they would be at home with a few beers, totally omitting to tell me about the party. It will be a big special and formal occasion, so one you would generally take a partner to. I also feel, rejection in not being invited, and I thought he loved me more than that... well, he claims to. I guess he thinks it is easier not to take me since he knows I don't understand his extremely close and loving relationship with his female friend, and since I have asked for reassurance about it.I know what I have to do, I am just afraid of regretting it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): This man is not your soulmate. He lied to your face.
You don't send a Valentines Day e-mail, with flowers attached to an ex-girlfriend if there wasn't feelings still there.
Valentine's Day is a LOVE day and for the two of you exclusively.
You'll never be able to trust him and will always question what else he is lying about. Sometimes he may tell the truth and sometimes not, but you'll never really know. Doubt creeps in and you will always be second guessing everything he tells you.
He has already proved himself a liar. You know what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 "do you like my dress?" "yes"
when they don't like the dress it's a white lie to not hurt your feelings.
are you in touch with former partners (a light generic question that does not require a lie) the answer in this case... YES... whether she was in contact with him or not was not the question
"did you not tell me about a party you are invited to?"
"correct I did not tell you."
"doesn't this break our rule about letting each other know about social events?"
"yes it breaks our rule"
"so by not telling me something you are supposed to tell me did you lie to me?"
"yes I lied because....."
white lies are made to not hurt a person and are about things like hair or dressing etc... NEVER about relationships... there are no such things as white lies in relationships....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 I agree with bronzed adonis. He told you two lies, nice and black, not white.
You asked him if HE had been in touch with that particular woman, and he said : not since a long time, when he had contacted super-recently.. I think the anon female is a bit splitting hair about the real meaning of " being in touch " , and it does not matter if the woman replied or not. You had asked the guy if HE had been in touch , i.e. if HE had taken any action ( phone, text, e-mail ) to contact her, and he said no. But it wasn't true.
Ditto for the party. You had expressely discussed, and agreed, that you always were going to be invited to each other's events. But, he did not invite you, so he lied again- a lie by omission.
You think he might have lied " to protect your feelings ", but that's really a blanket statement -it's the same excuse that a cheating husband could use to explain why he did not tell you he was boning his 25 y.o. secretary at work.
I think the " white lie to protect feelings " only can be invoked when it's about something that the other person can't do anything about in the immediate : " Do you think your mother liked me ? " what's the point of answering " no, she thinks I could do much better and I am throwing myself away with you " . He can't instantly change either who you are , or his mother mindset, so better a diplomatic " Oh sure, it's just that mom is a bit standoffish at first, I am sure she'll warm up to you in time ".
But, in the cases you mentioned, he could do something about it. He COULD have abstained from romancing other women, and he COULD have invited you to the event, as agreed previously. He choose differently. That makes me think that , more than your feelings, he is protecting his self interest and his total freedom of action.
I know this is not the answer you want to hear, and I am not even saying: yeah, kick him to the curb. If as you say, he is so loving kind etc., but you caught him in two lies, you can draw a list of pros and cons and still decide that the pros greatly outnumber the cons. BUT, do it with open eyes. Now you know that this knight in shining armour .. has a couple of dents on his armour ,and you'll have to take anything he says with a pinch of salt. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): He sent a happy valentines email message to his ex and attached a picture of some flowers. He says he hasnt been in touch. He has been in touch. She may have chosen to ignore him, but he got in touch. He didnt say he sent her a valentine but she never replied. He has lied to you. Open your eyes.
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A
male
reader, Byron Temple  +, writes (18 February 2013):
Ok. Harmless white lies could be things like not telling you where he really is because he doesnt want you to know what he is buying you for your birthday. It could be something like him saying it wasnt him who left the toilet seat up and smiling because he knows that you know he did really. A real lie and deciet could be something like getting in touch with an ex and saying he hasnt. Another form of deciet is doing things that he wouldnt like if it was the other way round and not saying anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): am with bronzed adonis on this one. you have caught him lying. lying is what liars and cheats do. if he does not tell you the truth now, then your not in a position to ever know whether he is ever telling you the truth or not. trust him at your own expense. trust your gut feeling.
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A
female
reader, Seabreezes +, writes (18 February 2013):
Your boyfriend spewed out a 100% lie. You asked him - point blank if he has talked to this girl and he said, "NO". It's not a white lie or fabrication, it's a bold faced LIE! This is sooo shady! Preserve some dignity and hold yourself to a higher standard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): What if he is telling you the truth? The way that you describe him...I just get this feeling that he is literally telling you the truth.Just sending an email to her does not mean that they are 'in touch.' If she never replied to his email and chose to ignore the Valentine's Day email from him completely, then they are not in touch. An email is like a phone call. If you try to reach someone by phone and no one picks up, you were never 'in touch' with them. Even if you leave a voicemail, you aren't in touch because there is no guarantee that the other person listened to the voicemail (or in her case read the email.) Unless there is evidence that they have communicated back and forth, they are not 'in touch.'How long has he been best friends with the married woman (and her husband) who has offered him a free place to stay? Is their friendship is a long-term thing? My fiance has a female best friend. They have been friends since they met in high school. I would have absolutely no problem with him staying with her and her husband. They do have pet names for one another. They've said they miss one another...but then again they haven't seen each other in 8-9 years. How long has it been since your husband saw his best friend and all of his old friends?He said he would be hanging out with his friends which is true. If someone is having a 'huge' birthday it is probably an 'over the hill' or similarly significant party. When my uncle had his 50th birthday party so many people came to our house to surprise him! Some of these people were friends from high school that he hadn't seen in 15-20 years. Once they were together again and started reminiscing about highshool, they all caught up. Once the party was over, they continued to hang out and spend time together until they all flew back home. The people who visited my uncle were in town already for work or for a highschool or college reunion. They planned to meet up at my uncle's surprise party and of course surprise him and they planned to hang out together when they were free for the rest of the weekend.When old friends get together, they hang out. To you, it sounds like your boyfriend is going huge birthday party, BUT he is planning on spending his time hanging out with his friends. The party is just a few hours of the time he plans on using to catch up with everyone at home. He was completely honest with you, and told you the truth: his plans are to hang out with his friends, whether at a party, in a park, at a restaurant or even a bar. He is prioritizing hanging out with his friends, where this happens isn't important. He didn't tell you about the party because he doesn't care it is a party. To him, it is a reunion with his old friends.If this man really is the last person you feel like you could love, please give him the benefit of the doubt. You honestly have nothing to lose if you do and everything to lose if you don't...but you already knew that because you can feel it in your soul.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 "I asked him if he had been in touch with her, and he said he hadn't for a long time" That was deliberate a lie that he told you. In my opinion, and that`s all it is, I would say he is dishonest and I would not trust him. I dont think he was lying to protect your feelings. I think he may have been lying to protect himself. I am sorry for not feeling more positive about this.
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