A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys, Hope you can help. Ive been withh my bf for 2 months but from the very beginning there's been something bothering me. My bf has got no family, having lost both parents, so pretty much is on his own. But he is best friends with a girl he has known for 8 months and they do everything together. He picks her up and drops her off to places, goes to the cinema with her late at night, watches films at his house together, has dinner, lunch with her. He texts her 2 or 3 times a day. They even co ordinated their holidays together so they could meet up abroad. She also arranged his last birthday do. I have talked to my bf. He said she's his best friend and nothing has ever happened between them. Ive asked why he hasnt got together with her, he simply says he doesnt fancy her and said he would jeopardise their friendship if anything happened. There have been times when Ive got upset with his closeness to her (like when he walked her back to her car after a night out, but left me on my own). Other mutual friends have also noted their closeness, talking about how they leave together (car pooling).She has always been polite to me, but their closeness seems extreme.Its a new relationship, and I dont want to come over as paranoid gf but does this seem odd?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): Yeah it's odd OP. Something smells off and something tells me there's a lot more to them than they will admit. One or both of them most likely has a thing for the other.
My fiancée was discussing a similar situation with a friend of hers recently I was in the room while they were talking, she's a psychologist. She was saying its not uncommon for people with no family support network to form extremely close bonds really quickly with other people. In the male/female dynamic that can lead to feelings of a romantic nature, such attachment formed so quickly can be a sign that was originally the case for one or both of them, it such circumstances it's very easy for the lines to become blurred.
In your situation you and others have commented on strange it is. So you need to be cautious. You need to protect your feelings a bit here and take your time sussing out this situation. Quite simply OP his emotional bond to her may be too strong in the sense that he just doesn't have room in his life for something similar with you.
Try not to judge too quickly, but understand he has shown his loyalty is to her. he has left you out in the cold before to look after her and you are going to be second best to this girl. Now while that kind of loyalty is normal, how he goes about it is not. You don't walk one woman back to her car and leave the other alone on a night out. You arrange it so both of them are safe and protected but in that circumstance he opted to only ensure she was okay.
At the moment they have a level of closeness that suggests to me no room for you. If anything the best friend is supposed to step aside to let romance blossom a bit. most of my closest friends are women, they know I'll have a little less time for them when I have a new girlfriend and they do step aside to let that grow. I do the same. Some of that closeness we had, affection, spending all our time together etc did have to go. It doesn't mean I'm any less of a friend or less important but some things are reserved for a romantic partner.
OP don't get too deep into this and I'm sure you know you can't demand he spend less time with her etc. So be prepared to walk away from this. His attention is supposed to have shifted a bit more towards you, that's how friendships/relationships work. In a serious relationship you're building a partnership but even though they may not be romantically involved she is in all practical senses his partner, so see what happens OP. But don't feel bad for one second if this is beyond what you can handle. I wouldn't have even lasted 2 months with someone like this I'd have walked away as soon as I saw they already had a partner. You're essentially the third wheel to your own boyfriend.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 they are only friends 8 months... not long at all... now 8 years I might say ok....
but with them just being friends 8 months, I'd wonder too.
one of them (probably her) likes the other more than just friends....
tread carefully here...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): They do fancy each other just that each pair of people has a certain vibe in their relationship and theirs just takes longer to get to the outwardly romantic and sexual stage. He only has known her for 8 months and already they are this close. It does not sound platonic. If he had known her for 8 years then I would be more likely to believe it is platonic.
I suspect that if you stay with him you will always be playing second fiddle. Maybe he is using you to make her jealous
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 He doesn't fancy her, but maybe she fancies him and he's with her because she gives him the kind of ego boost that only an outsider can.
It really sounds like they are dating, just without the sex.
This kind of relationship can be platonic but that does not mean it's not harmful to your relationship. She is taking a large chunk of him in your life. When he's planning a vacation he should be doing it with you, and not the other girl.
You've known this since the beginning. It will continue to bother you.
I will not be interested in continuing this relationship. NOT because of the fear of them cheating, but because I simply do not respect this kind of friendship within my relationship.
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