A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right now I'm very discouraged. Where are all the good men hiding? In the past years my dating experiences have been bad. I've tried dating friends, acquaintances, co workers, random people.. nothing seems to work.I think I'm a fairly normal person, intelligent, fairly attractive, sweet... but my relationships all end badly due to the guys. One guy got extremely depressed and essentially checked out of the relationship. I tried everything to help him through this but he wouldn't let me or anyone else do anything. His job, his life, his family all caused his depression and he pushed everyone away.My other guy I was friends with for three years and dated for two. It ended when he got his roommate pregnant. Most recently I tried a dating site just to mix things up and meet someone out of my circle of friends. I thought it went pretty well. He seemed like a nice guy and had similar interests. Yeah.. that ended after more than a month when he said he didn't want to date anyone right now because he couldn't focus. Why the hell would he go on a dating site if he didn't want to date? I don't think it was a cop out. His job was stressing him and now he says he's moving out of state.So here is the question again.. where are all the good guys hiding??? I've tried a gamer, I've tried a co worker, I've tried someone from a bookstore, I've tried long distance, and I've tried internet dating sites. Nothing seems to work. The only thing I haven't tried is a guy from the bar but.. really? The guys I'm dating are late twenties so I'm not going after boys here. I'm going after an age group where I'm hoping they know where they are going in life and know what they want. I'm trying to date people who SAY they want serious relationships, I'm trying to date people who are financially independent and don't live at home. I don't think I'm unrealistic in my expectations. I've dated fat guys, and guys in shape, guys making a decent amount of money to almost nothing. All I care about is if a guy has a sense of humor, similar interest and is caring. Is that too much to ask?What's worse is everyone I see around me tends to be an ass. I work with people everyday and all i hear are them telling me about their divorce, or their affair, or their dirty secrets. I'm a professional! These people around me are supposed to be professionals! Not to mention my best friend/ almost fiance screwed me over by sleeping with his roommate... yeah. good for him, my ex girl friend, and their kid. Any advice? Or should I just bow out of the dating field and live a single life? I don't need someone to validate me, but I thought life would be more fun if I could share the little triumphs, the ups and downs with a caring partner.
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male
reader, so very true +, writes (22 December 2012):
i am a straight man, and it should be more like where are the good women hiding? then again, i seem to meet all the low life loser ones that have an attitude problem. and many women today are LESBIANS anyway.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): You have to really be patient to find them, or more correctly "the good guy for you", there are just to many options, lots of bad options, very, very few good options.I had the same problem in my 20's, like the guy below said, "I don't do drugs, drink, or sleep with drunk women." What I met was women who wanted to party (MJ and Alcohol or Cocaine), fuck when drinking, or someone who would clearly want to get pregnant (not wanting to use condoms or birth control) because I was a "good catch" but not necessarily someone they had thought about dealing with in the long term.Not drinking, and not smoking, and not wanting to have sex and a child "right now", was a problem when I met many women. Yet, the others that I met didn't find me tolerable either. In the end, we find someone though, you just got to be patient and keep on looking.Eventually, if you have faith, it works out.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (11 October 2010):
Looks to me that you need to be clear on what you want in a man...there are plenty of us to go around, just look in the right place
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A
female
reader, allmyheart +, writes (11 October 2010):
Be a friend before you turn into a couple. Look for someone who can be your best friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the many responses. =)
In response to some of the pieces of advice: I'm already on Eharmony, I've had my family set me up with people, I just turned 26 so I'm a bit uneasy about dating people in their 30's. Too much of an age gap and it's harder to relate to the person. Early 30s might be OK but if it's getting close to ten years then the age gap is too much for me. Also now that I think about it, I asked all three guys I mentioned out. =P I approached them.
Thank you for all your kind words. =/ I guess I'll have to figure something out. But the years off heartbreaking relationships are taking it's toll.
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A
male
reader, kewuoygy +, writes (11 October 2010):
As a middle-aged man looking back at my 20s, I can honestly tell you that I was still too restless (I mean psychologically speaking) to know exactly what I wanted. Women tend to be more mature than men emotionally at the same age group. Moreover, given the increasingly competitive job market these days, men have to spend lots of time on their career. In their twenties, they may have a job, but probably don't like it and don't see it as something they really want to do for the rest of their life. There is still a lot of uncertainty going on in their lives.
You should probably try dating guys in their thirties. They tend to be more mature emotionally, and perhaps less restless and know better what they want. (But the downside is that they may have more baggage.)
Nevertheless, whether twenties, thirties or forties, in any relationship, there has to be a commitment on both sides to work things out. I have changed a lot personality wise since I met and married my wife. I feel more confident about myself, for instance, but on the other side, I have made sacrifice on my career. Both parties have to make adjustments and be prepared for compromise. In other words, you can have some idea of who you want to spend your life with, but learn to be adaptive and expect surprises.
I'm sure that there is someone out there that will be your future soul mate.
Wishing you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 The state of humanity in general right now is pretty bad. It's not as easy to find a "good" person as it was a few generations ago. Men have similar complaints about today's women, that they're all spoiled, materialistic, entitlement princesses who get their values from reality shows, have no modesty, act like drunken whores in public and think that that's sexy.
Women always wonder why the good guys are "hiding". They aren't hiding, more likely you never notice them. I probably wouldn't do any of the stuff your various bf's have done, but I'm still passed over for rude, sex-obsessed and arrogant guys. That teaches me that women don't value the type of guy they all claim to be looking for. Also, the nicer guys don't approach girls as much. So some girls only ever get approached by asses and then assume that's how all men are.
So be the one to ask someone out once in a while. And spread your net even wider. Date a guy from church. Be open to guys several years older. Join eHarmony which seems more geared toward serious relationships. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Personally I suspect many of those men you dated were probably potentially 'good men'. But not with you, and not at that time.
We have unfortunately developed a disposable attitude to relationships: try someone out for size, then move on if it's not working. That just leads to too many short, failed relationships, and unhappiness.
A relationship takes commitment on both sides, and a desire to 'make it work'. That means things like compromise, communication, and a willingness to stick with someone through the bad times as well as the good. And it's worth it... the rewards for this pay back many times over. But you have to put the effort in.
Unfortunately there's no way to convince someone to do this. They have to come to the conclusion themselves: that they want 'something more' and are willing to try for it.
I think once a guy has that realization, then he becomes, or can become 'a good man' as you label him.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Single life is always an option. But romance is so much more thrilling. Why do we seek love as humans? Forget that our nature is to reproduce. There is something about love that even the innocent child knows about even though it's heart has never truly felt it. But you have touched love itself, it is your choice now, do you wish to turn away from it? It is not a necessary part of life because let's face it, right now, a life has no real purpose, no real drive. That is why people strive to find love. Love is the only real purpose in and of life left for us to find.
A single life is a garaunteed happiness in your case. It sounds like you have a good job, you are happy, aside from the fact you do not have a lover. Whatever you choose, you are garaunteed happiness. There are good men out there, I promise you, that if you choose to keep searching, you will find the perfect man of your dreams. We all deserve to be cherished by someone and people out there know it and live by it. You can keep looking, sometimes it will seem as though you are waiting for no one but if you keep looking, you will find someone and you will say to yourself "he was worth the wait and the hurt".
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (11 October 2010):
Hi there,
I know where you are coming from.
All I can say is that there is ONE single, healthly professional guy waiting for you here in London UK!! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): I wouldnt say im any catch. However, I feel the same way you do. Part of the reason why I left the states was for a few reasons regarding women (no offense to you). Lol im convinced im an american womans nightmare. I dont do drugs, drink, or sleep with drunk women. I tried many things like you did and in the end I was so frustrated. Frustrated enough to get counseling and move away. I feel a huge release now and ready for a fresh start.
My tactic now is, since Ive always been a serious guy with r'ships, Im having either a good friend or family member set me up. They know me best and what I like in women and like you, I dont have high expectations its just the stuff I like is apparently rare and hard to find. I hope to pull a U2 and find what Im looking for haha. Id suggest you could maybe try this...especially if youre a serious gal.
If you wanna clear your head a bit too thats always good as Im doing that now still. Gain more hobbies, focus on work/school, become a little more independent so u can get more confidence. This will help you approach life easier and also perhaps attract more men since they see you may have lots to offer. Hope this helps. Best to you miss.
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