A
female
age
30-35,
*arina1993
writes:Hi. I'm a 17 year old girl from the uk. I have been online dating since o was 16 because I felt like no one who actually knew me would ever want to get with me. I lost my virginity at 15 to a boy who was 19 and I haven't had sex since. About a year ago I met a man and we began talking, he thought I was 18 and asked me if I thought he was too old to talk to (he's 46). I said no and we hit it off. Then I began to really like him and told him I was 16. He said he thought it was best if we didn't talk anymore. About 6 months later I found his email adress and asked him if he remembered me. He did and this time we really hit it off. We have been talking everyday for about 4 months and we plan to meet soon. We've discussed everything from politics to fantasies and I nearly met up with him once before but chickened out. He is divorced and has no kids. We both smile like crazy when were talking on webcam and I really think I'm falling for him
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female
reader, CaseyLeigh417  +, writes (19 October 2010):
Hey I was wondering if you met up with him yet I know you may have in the last 3 months. I home things went well. I am in the same boat kinda. I was 15 years old when i started talking to a 45 year old. He was amazing always knowing what to say and making me smile. If you need someone to talk to about, email me :-) I will be more than happy to talk to you :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Wow - this man is saying all the right things.
There's a reason you set up a girlfriend to observe your meeting.
You seem like you're doing this anyway, so my best wishes for your safety.
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female
reader, Carina1993 +, writes (27 July 2010):
Carina1993 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told my Best friend who is the only person I can trust (and trust is something my group of friends seem to have problems with as they still haven't stopped bitching all the time) she said she is going to come down to the (I have decided) coffee shop in the town centre and just sit in a nearby chair.
I definitely can't tell my parents because we've never been close and I've just developed into my own person now who they really don't know much about.
The reason I don't feel guys like me is because all my closest friends are ridiculously attractive and fashionable, rich and have massive houses and loads more money than I do. It's been like this all my life as I was brought up by really beautiful parents, but they had wired looking kids, and they were on the dole but wanted me to grow up in a nice area so we live in a little flat inside a big house on a street where everyone else owned full houses. Anyway, I don't really have much to offer most guys as I'm interesting but that really doesn't seem to conquer my unattractiveness (I especially look bad stood around a whole load of size 8/6 girls when I'm size 10)
Between me and my older guy there is a massive sexual attraction and we talked about how it was bragging rights for both of us and how it was an ego boost we'd both like but then recently he's become more interested in me and asking me what I plan to do with my future etc and what I want to study at uni and he did ask if things go well would I ever consider a LDR with him as he is so much older.
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (27 July 2010):
I agree with everyone else if you are determined to meet up with this guy be safe and do it in a public place with people all around
p.s For everyone else the Legal age of consent in the UK is 16
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Think you should trell a friend that you're meeting up so that they can observe from a distance
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female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Do you have proof that he is actually divorced? He could have told you this just so you will keep on chatting to him.Even if he was a member of an online dating site - that makes no difference to his marital status.
But you have to remember he is 46 he has had quite a lot of his life and will have his ways that he is very set in. Also he may not be able to keep up with a 17 year old, at the minute your interest is massaging his ego.
You may not like it but I'm sorry this man probably just wants to bed a teen and after he has done that you probably woudln't hear much from him - oh sure he may meet with you a few more times but he's playing you. You're vulnerable and he will happily use that. Sorry xx
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female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (27 July 2010):
 First of all, are you under age? In the US, legal adult is 18.
I agree with the other posters here. I say trust your gut and if you want to meet up with him, meet him in a PUBLIC place - with LOTS of people around. That way, if you feel uncomfortable in any way, there are people around to help. And if he wants to "take you back to his place," don't - not on a first meeting. Get your feet wet, so to speak, and see how the two of you get along in person.
Have to admit, seeing each other on webcam is a little more reassuring since you know how old he is (he could always have lied about his age, as you did).
Good luck, stay safe!
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 You very naive and allowing your feelings about yourself (that no one wants to get with you) potentially lead you into a dangerous situation. Please give yourself a chance to grow up before you start getting involved with a man who is old enough to be your father and that you only know from the internet. There are entirely too many stories out there about young girls ending up in bad situations because of an internet love affair.
As much as he makes you smile, I think you deserve better than a middle-aged, divorced man.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I'm with Honeypie in all this:
"I'm 41 so closer to the guy you are "dating" in age then you are, and I have to say... I would not be to keen on a guy who is 46 dating a 17 year old. There is just such an unevenness to it all. He has TONS of life experiences you have barely any. He is independent and has been for quite some time.
Not to sound "old" but really what do you actually have in common?
I think it's creepy, but it's not me dating an older dude (or younger)."
The man was smart - and calculating - enough to send you off when you were more underage than you are now. He knew that was TROUBLE. Now that things have happened over e-mail, apparently your being underage at 17 suddenly does not matter. Wow.
If I were you, I wouldn't go, and this not only because I'm not into guys, but because I have the feeling he would only sleep with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Well, let's back up a minute before you meet this man. You said something that stuck me, you said that you felt like no one will ever want to get with you. Why do you feel this way? I don't know, but maybe you had a bad experience in the past with sex or guys around your age. Again, i don't know, i don't think you should count yourself out like that, you never know who might like or want to get to know you. Give Yourself A Chance! You might find out that you're not so bad after all. As for this guy if you're really "falling" for him, wait until you're 18, but if you can't wait go in a group, or some place that is very familiar to you. Remember guys are very intuitive and can pick up weakness, some not all will use this as advantage. Do what's best for you, i have a doubt that you'll fine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): More than anything I just want to tell you to be really careful. I know that you think you know this guy, and you may well do, but you still don't know who he really is. All you know is what he's told you, and I know you probably will be thinking that you know better, you know what he's like, you know everything he's told you is true etc, and you may be right, but you don't know for certain that you are.
And of course there's people who know you who will want to 'get with you'! And if you think there isn't anyone who you know personally right now(there probably is, you just might not know it), there will be in the future! No matter how unattractive you think you are, or whatever the reason is you think no one will want you, there will always be someone out there who thinks you're hot! You don't have to resort to online dating at your age! Get out there, make new friends, and see what happens. Meeting new people and getting to know them in person is much better than online dating. Feeling that first attraction, wondering if they like you, one of you making that first move, getting to know each other, going out on dates, having that build-up to anything physical, having that first kiss etc, is so much better in person than online. And even if you don't meet someone who wants to have sex immediately, it doesn't mean that that's anything to do with you, if you meet someone who likes you but doesn't want to have sex yet, that's just because they're not ready for sex at all yet, with anyone. There's always making out, fooling around etc, that you can do without going all the way and having full sex, if that's what you're worried about. Go out with friends, maybe to a music venue or whatever, go out on the pull with your girl friends, have a laugh and see who you find! Get dressed up, go out and dance and see what happens, see which hot guys you can pull before you commit to going and meeting this man. This is not the only guy that will like you and want you, there will be loads of guys out there.
Having said that, if you do still want to go ahead and meet this guy, please, please be very careful. Tell your parents. I know you'll probably be thinking there's no way you can do that, but I'm sure they would much rather you tell them what you're planning on doing, putting up with them maybe getting mad/lecturing, perhaps not listening to them trying to persuade you not to do it, and then go with you and make sure you're safe than you not tell them, go alone and get hurt or worse. It might embarrass you or get you a telling off/lecture/whatever, but wouldn't you rather that than going to meet this man and finding out all is not how it seemed? You should definately, without a doubt, tell someone who can go with you and would be able to stay with you while you met him and take care of you and help you if something goes wrong. You can't go alone, no matter what this man says. If he has a problem with you taking someone with you, then he is not as nice as he seems and chances are he is up to something more sinister than he's letting on. If this man likes you as much as he seems to, he will understand and encourage you bringing a parent/friend with you. If he likes you as much as he says he does, he will want you to feel safe and comfortable and take care of yourself and be repsonsible and sensible.
So I think that should be your priority. Tell a family member or close friend, wait for them to deal with it however they want to, then sit them down and explain your relationship with this man, in detail, from start to finish. Tell them how you originally started talking, lost touch and then reconnected, how you've talked on webcam, you've discussed politics etc. Tell them how much you like him, how much you think he likes you etc, whatever else you want to tell them. Don't get defensive if they get angry or upset, they'll probably be worried about you talking to someone online, just be calm, mature and reasonable. Explain it to them all. Be open to what they're saying and take it on board. If you still want to meet this man after hearing what they've got to say, explain to them that you still want to go ahead with it, but you want them to go with you.
You might be thinking that you don't want anyone there with you, if you're attracted to this guy and see this as a date, you don't want someone there cramping your style. But this being the first time you're meeting this guy, you shouldn't be getting any more physical than a hug, really, until you've spent more time with him, know what he's really like, know his agenda, know how comfortable you actually feel with him in person, how much you actually like him in person etc. You having someone there with you isn't cramping your style, making you look boring, making you look young or whatever else you might be thinking, it's you being smart, sensible, mature and a grown-up. They can always sit at the next table to you in the coffee shop, close enough that they can hear what's going on and help if needed, but not sat at the same table as you. Close enough to be able to sense if you're in trouble and pull you out of the situation. So never across the room, and at the table with you preferably, but if not, directly behind, in front, or next to you. No more than a few feet away.
Once you've done all of that, and you're still going ahead with it with a close friend/family member, pick a neutral location, perhaps somewhere in between where you both live. Nowhere where either of you will be drinking alcohol, somehwere that's busy, preferably somewhere you know better than he does, somewhere that you feel comfortable and can get out of quickly and easily if you need to. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIS HOUSE/HOTEL/FRIEND'S HOUSE OR ANYWHERE LIKE THAT. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE ALONE WITH HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU. NEVER LEAVE YOUR FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER NO MATTER WHAT. ALWAYS KEEP YOUUR MOBILE PHONE ON YOU AND READY TO USE IF NEEDED QUICKLY.
Go somewhere like a busy coffee shop where you can chat with this man. Maybe a cafe or restuarant, somewhere busy that you can eat, drink and talk. But make sure neither of you are drinking alcohol, you don't need that. Go somewhere that you and your friend/family member can leave easily and quickly if needed. Don't choose somewhere in a secluded area, choose somewhere in the middle of a busy part of town/city. Make sure you have a way to get home and can get in your car/taxi/bus/train/whatever quickly and easily. If possible choose a method of transport that he can't join you on/in. If he doesn't already know where you live, don't tell him.
Can I ask what the reason is you chickened out last time? Whatever it was that made you decide not to meet him, maybe there was a reason you chickened out and decided it wasn't a good idea. Maybe there was something about the situation that made you uncomfortable or think it was risky? If so, what has made you change your mind and think of doing it again? If you still feels the same, maybe you should think about it more.
You may think I'm nagging or something, but I just want you to be safe. If this man really likes you and wants a relationship with you, he will be more than happy for you to do everything I've said. If you get there and feel like something isn't right with this man, leave. If you do go and meet him and then you've said you'll go and he's expecting you, does not mean that you can't change your mind before you go or even when you get there, even if you've started talking to him, you can leave at any time. Just think about what could happen if you go alone. Would you really want to put yourself in that kind of situation with a man you don't really know, and leave yourself open to being kidnapped, raped, hurt, blackmailed, used, manipulated, forced into doing something you don't want to do, even killed? No matter how unlikely you think these things are, there's always a chance that this man is just a very good liar and has a hidden, more sinister agenda than he would like you to believe. Who knows, he may be a lovely man who has been telling you the truth about everything and really does like you, despite the almost 30 year age gap, but he also may be a horrible person who is lying to you to get you to suggest a meeting or agree to a meeting. If he isn't lying and really does like you, he will you like you and enjoy meeting you whether someone else happens to be there or not.
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A
female
reader, casey.44 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Well I guess if you're in love age is just a number. Maybe you should meet up at a movie or something, nothing romantic I think that's too soon. Dont rush anything. Just let life come as it does. Have fun.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I'm 41 so closer to the guy you are "dating" in age then you are, and I have to say... I would not be to keen on a guy who is 46 dating a 17 year old. There is just such an unevenness to it all. He has TONS of life experiences you have barely any. He is independent and has been for quite some time.
Not to sound "old" but really what do you actually have in common?
I think it's creepy, but it's not me dating an older dude (or younger).
IF you DO decide to meet up make sure you take every security precaution you can, that means:
Make the first meeting short, lunch, brunch or coffee..
Meet in a public place.
TELL someone where you are a going and WHO you are seeing.
Make sure you give them a time where you call and "check in".
If you feel scared at anytime with him, leave/Call a friend to come pick you up.
TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT.
DO not sleep with him til you actually KNOW him.
Does your parents know? If not, why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): You're 17 and he says he's 46?
Here's how: You say to him: "Oh by the way, all my sex organs were removed due to a previous disease, and I'm fine now, just not physically capable of sex. I love our talks and we can cuddle as much as you want. So where do you want to meet?"
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 did you already post something about this? However, I think that there isn't a problem here. Sounds like he's okay with being with you now that you're a year older...closer to 18.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Just use common sense if you do meet up, make sure its in a public place and dont let him control you.
Be safe and good luck.
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