A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know if my problem is unique or not. Probably not but yet, i haven't seen any couples with stuff like this. So anyway, my girlfriend is really a great girl, i love her, i'm prepared to do anythin for her, we've been together for around a year. Everythings been great and all ofc we did have fights and arguments a few times, sometimes big and sometimes small matters. Thing is, whenever we argue whatever the problem is she catches a weird point of view from her angle, and clings to it. All the way till i give up, it feels like, a child crying till his opponent lets him win. For example we had an argument about her meeting with an old friend, which i knew. two girls drunk, in the street till 2 am. I haven't said a word till the morning. I mean I was upset sure, this town isn't a safe place, especially not for 2 drunks girls in the middle of the night. That morning she asked if i could take her to the movies like nothing happened at all. I told her that I can't and what she did was unacceptable, and that if she wanted to get drunk so bad she could have invited her friend home or at least ask me to come pick her up, which i offered multiple times. I also said that if she thinks that I'm not the person to scold or her and there's nothing more to argue. She got hung up on that, kept saying that I'm right to be angry but my methods were wrong, over and over and over. Till i finally gave up. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for advice to "control" her or anything. It's just, frustrating to deal with someone who believes shes right whatever happens and never says "sorry" unless shes sarcastic. I often feel like her I'm actually "less than a friend" even though I'm her lover. The way she treats them is just great, always there when they need her, never saying no. Always got time for them, even though they're not exactly like that. She even cancels our dates to be with her friends she sees every single day at her university. I mean I would understand if they needed her for something important (btw one of them has an unstable relationship, other one just never gets a boyfriend) but whatever it is, its always urgent and I come second, even though we live close we sometimes don't see eachother for a week or even 10 days with no specific reason. She keeps telling me that I'm interesting and that shes very happy with me but I rarely get to see that. Ofc I'm not perfect or anything but I keep hearing that from her friends or from my female friends that they're envious of her and that they'd love to have a boyfriend like me. I'm not overconfident in anything, though it feels like I have to do everything in this relationship, and it's tiring carrying this "burden" all the time and the worst part is that It's not possible to discuss this with her, I have tried once or twice but she just gets like "I can't make you happy blabla" and gets extremely stressed, doing weird stuff and anything related to her friends is sacred. They're all good girls, nice to me, nice to her but they sometimes, maybe because they had never been in her place, just forget that she also has a boyfriend she'd like to meet she keeps telling me that she couldn't reject them and I have to wait for everything. To meet her, to talk to her even on the phone, to have sex. We've been together for a year almost and not a single time I've been able to ask her out like, "Lets go out, I'll be there in half an hour" It always have to be planned before a day or two and that only works if her friends are "busy" that day. Is there anything I can do? I love her, I know that she loves me aswel its just I could get just a little better treatment, if not then i fear whatever I feel for her may decay though I don't want it. I too am a student btw, my family takes care of me my father is a doctor with tons of debt, has cancer, I financially look good on the outside but i actually get very little money, besides I have to pay for university still. I spend my whole week trying to save some money often not eating for a whole day at school so I can have some money to spend with her when we go out. I just can't take it sometimes, feels too heavy. My only joy is her, yet shes never there when needed. Thank you for reading, i feel much better already.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Look, love her, but love yourself more. She is only doing this, because you allow her to do it. Maybe she has this attitude like he'll always be there,he's not going anywhere. You already have a lot on your plate, give her a chance to miss you. Maybe your feelings could be a little bit deeper in this relationship than hers. Back up, take a breath, you're carry a lot on your chest right now. How can something of joy bring sorrow? You're giving her too much credit and putting her on a pedestal. Only question you must ask yourself, is does she deserve that position. Do what's best for you, and you'll be fine.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Thank you for taking time to read it, and thanks for all the useful and kind answers. I think I'll start with making her feel like that I'm not always available. I have faith in it, I think then she'll be forced to talk about this issue and then I can suggest setting a day up. Thanks again kind sirs.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 It seems that you are always available - at least comparatively. I'd pull back a bit, hang out with your own friends more, get a hobby or focus on school/work for a while. Right now, she knows that you are available at her convenience, and she needs more of a scarcity mentality about your relationship. She needs to value it more.
Being available on short notice to friends only is not the sort of behavior I would accept, but every man has different priorities. If she won't change, you'll have to decide if the relationship is worth that flaw.
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A
male
reader, JayLovesSam  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Alright mate, I had the same problem with an ex, this was not the reason we split,I am no agony uncle, but I will share with you what I did, me and her arranged a day in the week where it was just us and no one else, for example if we was both off work on a monday perhaps we would say that is our day to go do what ever, cinema, bowling, a meal, what ever, just a day where we left our phones at home and just spent the whole day, remember a relationship is about communication and compromise, if she is not willing to do either then I suggest ditching her and finding someone that has some time for you, you sound reasonable, you dont sound like your doing nothing wrong you just want to feel a little more needed, or missed? talk to her, sit her down and tell her how it makes you feel, if it continues then just move on mate, no one deserves to come 2nd all the time.
Good luck
James
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A
female
reader, ynamorata  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Hi!wow,its quiet complicated. I personaly think that before being your lover or girlfriend, she must be your best friend if not,then a very special friend. Lately i too had a relationship with a guy, he was always with hs friends, in short he put them first! and I was hurting, he never called when I needed him too, he stood me up sometimes, he was weird and finally i realized that I didn't know him at all,for him i was just an extra being in his life, one with whom he kisses and touches, but I never got to be his friend!
sorry i didn't mean to add my problems to yours, just wabted you to know that its something common these days and that I can understand how you feel.
So just try and talk to her and let it all out, a relationship can't work out if one of the partners is unhappy or uncomfortable: it won't be a relationship anymore,nah!
Don't ask her to leave her friends, that's what she'll probably think that you're trying to insinuate, just ask her to hold your hand and have a your own love story! If she can't then she's just not ready to have that special person in her life!!
I hope i helped you! good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Forgive me, it has been too long i know.
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