A
female
age
36-40,
*mo
writes:I've been with this guy for about 4 years... at least that's how HE puts it. We hung out together for one year, have lived together for the past 3, but in my mind, have been officially a couple for maybe 1. I have always tried to make it perfectly clear in my relationships that if I haven't specifically consented to be someone's girlfriend, I am not. (That's why I said we've only been official for about a year even though he still feels it's been 4.) Anyways, during the time that we weren't official, I've been involved with other people (mutual friends). He knew that and wasn't happy about it and just figured I'd come around eventually, which I did years later. However, awhile back, he actually saw his best friend (also a good friend of mine) kiss me and even though that was a long time ago he still feels the need to bring it up several times a week even when it's completely irrelevant to our conversation at the time. I don't think that's fair, but, whatever.What my REAL problem is, is that I rarely get to leave the house (I don't drive or work) and always feel trapped. When I do have the opportunity, I want to take it regardless if he wants to come or not. He says it's okay and I do it anyways. Every time I leave the house, he spend the night looking up asian porn knowing full well that it bothers me (he thinks he can hide his tracks by deleting the history but he's not that bright). I kind of feel like this is cheating (and I don't cheat while I'm out) but he just calls me a slut and brings up old news. Am I in the wrong? Do I deserve this resentment?Sorry for the length but it's complicated in my mind.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): I think I can understand a little where he's coming from. "Casually" seeing someone for that period of time has a tendency to create insecurity when the relationship became real. This is especially true if one of the "other people" you were seeing during that "casual" time are still part of your life. That being said, he should have gotten over that if he decided to date you.
I actually believe that he probably IS over that part of your life. I would guess that his name calling is just him fighting back. From what you said you sound a bit insecure with relationships. Insecure people tend to wait along time before making it "official" because they feel confined &/or scared in what they see as an offical relationship. Because of this insecurity these types of people often go out of their way to validate their feelings of insecurity. The thing that jumps out at me is that you obviously go to at least some length to catch him at porn watching. Why are you doing that? I can understand your anger if he won't have sex with you but watching porn never really hurt anybody & you should learn to accept that most every guy watches it once in a while. I suggest not searching through the computer when you get home. That way you won't get angry & he won't get defensive & bring up old stuff. Also don't ever go through his phone. If you come off as jealous & insecure he will eventually lie to you about something harmless because he's scared of you getting mad. Then you will catch him & it'll be a huge fight. And find a way to leave the house more. Have friends drive you if you need to.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 When we love someone , we try to accept him , warts and all.
Each of us have our own vices .
We may not like their vices but we try to live with them.
In any relationship , we should try not to go to those areas where they are ballistic.
You don't press their ballistic buttons or they will fire theirs at you.
If you don't want to start a war, don't lob your bombs at him.
Accept him for whoever he is or find another one if you
cannot live with him and his vices.
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A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I won't worry so much about the porn. It is a curiosity that will get old for him after a while. I do the same but the more you do it the less of an adventure it becomes.
Porn is a fantasy not a real reality.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I got to wonder why the two of you are together.
You want to be a free person, your good right, but it seems he wants something else.
If you go out without him, what right does that give you to comment on what does at home alone?
It just sounds like the two of you really don't work as a couple. If you two can't even agree on how long you been together, how can you ever hope to make it work?
You don't mention love, not even friendship with this guy. Did you just give in because he kept asking?
Get out, get a job and life your own life. Then you can do what you want and don't have to obsess what he is doing at home while you are out doing what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (25 March 2008):
Jmo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, Ask oldersister, you're completely right. I wouldn't be nearly as distraught by this if I were more independent and didn't feel like the wild at heart kept in cages.
-Jmo
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (25 March 2008):
Jmo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Escalaya, I made it very clear. He used to ask me out and I always said no.
-Jmo
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I think you don't deserve to be called a slut. I also think that it's childish of him to watch porn when you go out. It's his way of "getting even" with you. I also believe that he could manage to hide his internet activity if he wanted to; maybe he wants you to know what he did, so you'll get angry.
I think I have to add that it seems like there's a very, very big and deep divide. Your definition of what life in a couple is seems to be very different from his. I think it will eat you two alive unless you find a way to really talk and really make an effort to be happy together.
I still remember a very honest post by you, Jmo, and I admired you for it. I have to say, however, that he would also have reasons to complain about you. If you two love each other, you have some serious work to do.
I think you really have to think things through. What you see as your REAL problem, your going out, is but the manifestation of a much deeper problem. In his mind, you're cheating on him when you go out. THAT is the problem. And one of many, I guess.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I feel that it's wrong of him to bring it up constantly, like that.. However, I also feel that unless you made it CLEAR in those first 3 years that you two were not boyfriend and girlfriend (I mean actually TELLING him that, not just saying "Unless i consent, we're not together") that he has every right to resent you like that.
Try talking to him calmly, and explaining everything, and telling him what he's doing is unfair towards you. Consider his feelings too, along with your own.
~One love,
Escalaya
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): My internets about to die so all I have time to say is NO! You don't deserve this treatment!! Tell him he's got to stop doing this and accusing you, or otherwise you guys will have to reconsider everything (ie your relationship together). To be honest, even if you're not serious about it, it should make him want to change and grow up! This is very unfair on you.
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