A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel so silly writing this but here goes...I've been seeing this guy for just over a year now. To be honest I've never been completely sure about him as he seems to have some issues, but I do care A LOT about him and he does make me happy, most of the time we're together. Anyway, there have been a few times where I've wanted to leave him because I've had doubts he's been faithful(but I will admit I DO have low self esteem and I am insecure). He does spend A LOT of time with me though (practically everyday), so I've given him the benefit of the doubt. But anyway anytime we've gotten into a fight he's been really mean talking about my looks, how I look like a guy, how I need makeup to look hot and he'll just find a better looking girl, meanwhile all a long he was telling me he thinks I'm beautiful, prettiest girl he's dated, ray ray...then after saying this, he'll still call me non stop and a few times has cried, saying he didn't mean it, saying he loves me, how I'm all he ever wanted. And I have taken him back, but now I'm wondering if he really meant all those things he said and honestly it's made me feel really bad about myself, so much that I don't even want to try to move on to someone else. Did he mean the things he said? I don't consider myself unattractive because I keep myself up, but i have always been insecure about my facial features(but I didn't really tell him that)because I don't have typically girly soft features, but at the same time I've had my fair share of guys hit on me, and he always acts jealous, would randomly compliment me(but maybe it's lies), doesn't like me going outside too much by myself, but I guess he's just a little controlling...I'm wondering if he just stays with me because he thinks he won't find anyone else to be with? I say this because he's dated a lot of girls before(he is fairly attractive in the face, but doesn't maximize his full potential either because he doesn't dress very well) and none of them ever really lasted long, I think it's because he smokes a lot of weed and sorta of lives a loserish lifestyle because of his friends, even though he comes from a good family, he also can come off as pretty sexist. He's also been cheated on in the past and it seems I'm the only girl who's been faithful to him so far..I guess I should mention, I'm also a single mom, 22, and he's 21, not even done high school yet...sorry this is so long...
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insecure, jealous, move on, self esteem, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Auntie5  +, writes (16 March 2011):
People do say things they don't mean during arguments, but most of us don't say the most hurtful things we can think of over and over.Whether he means them or not, do you really want to stay with someone who is so hurtful? He is being emotionally abusive, and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Even if you're willing to put up with it, do you really want your children exposed to it? Those kinds of comments are really toxic, and a child will internalize them a lot faster than you will. The guy sounds like trouble. You can do a lot better.
A
female
reader, aAoa  +, writes (16 March 2011):
your guy sounds nuts, sorry to put it that way ... i think he is insecure which is making him act like that.. plus he's 21 which is pretty young which makes him a lil immature, i think he trusts you that is the reason why he is with you.. also because most girls wouldn't date a guy like him.. so he is lucky to have you.. you're older than him.. act like the adult in the relationship.. tell him exactly what you want- a healthy relationship with someone who is not a loser- ( i hope that is what you want).. and tell him if he can't be that to leave u alone.. i hope this is helpful..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): He's saying pretty mean things and insulting you. Even if he doesn't mean it, he obviously can't control his mouth. He's very immature and --your words -- controlling.
This emotional abuse up-and-down, left-and-right opinion-changing crap he's doing just because he's mad is ridiculous. You've had a fair share of guys hit on you -- try dating one of them.
This guy sounds like he needs to grow up.
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A
female
reader, kaykay1989  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 I want to start by saying that everyone says things in arguments but that doesn't give him the excuse to put you down on the way you look. That would make anyone self conscious. You really need to sit down and talk to him about the way he makes you feel and tell him that it is unacceptable. I understand that he may have had past girlfriends in the past that may have cheated on him and he may be paranoid but you've got to reassure him that he cant tarr you with the same brush as them or how will the relationship work. It will only end up pushing you away. Smoking cannabis doesn't help the matter as it causes paranoia.
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A
female
reader, CantTakeMeAnywhere +, writes (15 March 2011):
Hi,
Just read what you have written...
You've never been completely sure about him? You've had doubts if he's faithful? He smokes a lot of weed, hes sexist and lives a "looserish" lifesytle? And on top of all this he puts you down about your looks and is over controlling. It sounds like you have low self asteem and this guy is doing nothing to help you. You dont need to be told you need make up to look pretty because you dont.
If you've been with him over a year and you've still not been able to be open about your insecurities with regards to your facial features then you're never going to be able to. Being open and honest is one of the most important things in a relationship.
It sounds to me like this guy is 21 and has a lot of growing up to do. Your a mum and that comes first, you dont want your son/daughter to think its ok to say or hear these kind of things when in a relationship do you?
My advice is ditch this guy, let him go of and find these so called "better looking girls" because when he finally grows up he'll realise what an idiot he was and to you he'll be just that looser you once dated.
Yours xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Sounds like you need to talk to him, when he's not high, and tell him how you rally feel. If you really do care about him try and work things out.
hope this helps
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): If he loves you and you love him then tbh you shouldnt be having arguments,i know all couples have rows but if he's saying these awful things to you then he dosent deserve you i know he says sorry afterwards but the comments he makes are very mean,you are obviously upset by the things he says. Confront him about it,ask him if he loves you because you are getting different vibes from him. If he continues with the hurtful comments then he could be insecure about himself and saying them makes him feel better. If it dosent stop, personally i would break the relationship off.
good luck with what ever you decide!
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A
female
reader, Justtryingtohelp +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Well for one, he sounds like he has bad anger issues.
Second, you should never have the man you're supposed to be loved by, say such horrible things, and CERTAINLY not when you have low self esteem.
This could be weed related but it affects others differently.
Honestly for the sake of your child I would suggest ending it, he should never treat you alone like that but imagine if it were your child he started calling ugly, and teaching sexist ways?
He needs a lot of growing up to do, and you're growing up fast I assume with having to look after your child.
You can do better and need someone more loving and reliable in your life.
Good luck.x
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