A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. My relatively new husband is surfing porn. It makes me feel unworthy and small, unattractive and all the rest. He tries to tell me that he isn't fantasizing about other women but I feel it is the first step he is taking towards being unfaithful.I'm not the least bit prudy and I love him so much I try anything to please him, but I can't seem to tolerate his watching this. The sad thing is it happens when I go to church to practice..so now everytime I go to church I imagine back home my husband masterbating to images that aren't me or don't have anything to do with me. It is killing me inside..
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Confused Choclit +, writes (12 November 2008):
 I know this post is old but I'm new.. unfortunatley I have went through the same thing.. but I dont agree that all men are like this when it comes to porn. My husband seems to be obsessed with sex of any sort, he loves to watch it. I ranted and raved and cried because I felt that the women he was looking at was wat he wanted sexually. I know I am attractive, but to him it didn't matter, he still wanted to look. It is truly an addiction. The yelling and stuff doesn't work because I was told that I was treating him like a child again! He suggested that I instead of getting mad ask him for some help or something like to to spice it up. Well to cut a long story short, I did but it will not stop because the more I give in to his needs, the more he keeps piling on. Now he wants to act out what he sees in the porn, and suggest swinging and stuff.. don't do that if you not comfortable. I am okay with the porn, but the extra takes away from our true intimacy.. anyway just speaking from experience from this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Hey,
Join the club... I've been married a bit over a year and I'm pretty damn hott and my husband sneeks porn any chance he gets. AND here is the kicker - I told him before we got married - "YOu want porn, fine. We make our own and you watch that" Well, guess what? He is still using any chance he gets to watch some DDD chested woman on the net. I don't get it either... I give him sex ALL THE FREAKING TIME! I even dress up for him. (Has he for me? no, bu that is another story).... I don't get it. I'm up for sex whenever, but he will leave me in bed to jack it to some cow on the net. He always says he is sorry and will stop , but never does... I know he has not cheated on me in real life, but I wonder if it is only a step away....
My sister says I need to start surfing porn as well, but not orn that includes women... Gay porn that has nothing but HOTT men with BIG packages! See how he likes it! I did it once and he was very mad, but I may start doing it a lot more so maybe it can resinate with him how hurtful it is and how bad it is to self esteem and ego.... I'll let you know how it works out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Hugs and Kisses Princess, you know exactly what I think of you... :^)
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Yeah wa-eva Lestat, blah blah blah...oh, you're welcome for my support too....rat bag!
: )
x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Fade love you too... As you know I have different views from you. But I do support women who do not like pornography, or have very religious views that mean a lot to them. This is an international site with all types of different views, this is something I'm glad for, because if my advice doesn't suit, then maybe this lady will find the answer in other reply. It is alright to find porn disgusting and to hate it and that's why I put in the anti-porn link that I thought might help.. Thanks for the nod my loving friend. I hope you realise that I was not talking about you. I'm glad that you are here to give another point of view. :^)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): "So much for evolution, some of us have turned back into animal" Mr anonymous...
Lucky for me, I'm an atheist... I do find many Christians have a strange view of loving other creatures. God bless, I guess in your loving Christian world that doesn't include people with other views to you. But as an atheist, it doesn't bother me, cause I have love enough for the both of us. Guess you must have missed the bit in the bible about loving your neighbour and your enemy..... lol
Blessings to each and every person on this board, who aim to help and support people, and wish love, harmony and peace to rein over the world....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I am very aware that many of our anonymous anti-porn posters have come directly from anti-porn sites to get more recruits because they don't have much support for their views. Please talk to your husband again, and tell him how you feel about his porn viewing. Tell him it makes you feel unattractive and insecure and you feel that it is a form of cheating. Remind him that you are a Christian and for you and your church this might seem sinful. You can also join the other anti-porn people at npsupport.net. They have suggestions on what a guy can do to give up his pornography hobby. Maybe they may be able to help you too. But you will not find anybody defending porn use there and that website might suit you better than this one that deals in sexual advice of a very adult nature. Good luck madam, I hope you and your husband find a way to compromise and solve your problem together.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): So much for evolution, some of us have turned back into animals.
You know the answer poster, stick to your beliefs.
God Bless +
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Blaming porn because you get addicted by it Mr.anonymous, is like blaming food because people get fat, or blaming alcohol cause some people don't know how to handle their drink. Why should millions of people be deprived by a perfectly legal and entertaining hobby because you have psychological issues. I've met people who were addicted to church and the priest asked them to attend less often, should we also ban churches. Take responsibility for your actions. You got addicted to porn, porn didn't addict you. You need to stop making excuses for the problems in your life. If you didn't get addicted to pornography it would be something else. An addictive personality is an addictive personality and you need to look at the roots of your problem and find why you can't balance your life, but always seek things to distract you or to put the blame upon. I bet you find yourself addicted to DC and will soon start shouting out that the Internet is dangerous and addictive too. The problem is yours and no one else's. I've met many people who enjoy porn but I have yet to find somebody stupid enough to become addicted to it. Sort out your problems with a psychologist, that would be more help to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (13 October 2008):
I'm 100% behind what D'Lestat has posted.
Her advice was indeed very wise and was carefully thought out and written, that's just my opinion.... so there really is no need for me to add anything else, except this; Just try to accept and live with it, or lose him. I sincerely hope it's not the latter, for your sake.
Good luck.
BigSis
x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): porn is not harmless....that is a huge lie. I lost the love of my life because of it. I never realized I was becoming 'addicted' until it was too late. I escalated to the point that I was only interested in masterbating and took no sexual interest in my wife. I still don't completely understand it. I also grew up and lived in germany .....porn is on t.v. but not everyone watched it, I became addicted in the USA, on the internet. Best of luck to you dear lady, I wish I knew the answer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Nope babes, it may be hard to believe, but millions of women love pornography and erotica too. You need to go to Amsterdam and see the happy couples looking at sex videos together. Or maybe you should check out armature porn, where thousands of women put their naked bodies online for the whole world to see. This is the 21st century, women like sex the same as men do. I wonder who my single, divorced, 63year old mother with her newly discovered porn hobby is doing it for? Your a man, you got some old fashioned views about modern women and what they like. Come to Britain and see the women at all male stripping venues. I've heard the men get extra pay, because the ladies love to touch and grab a lot.. lol
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I agree with the negative image a man portrays in my mind when I think of him whacking the monkey......it has to be the most un-maculine visual ever! Men might like to watch women spanking their monkey but you don't see women shelling out money to watch guys do this.....hmm....who is smarter?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): For the man that is trying to compare going to church with jerking to porn......I don't get it. One is helping someone grow spiritualy the other is dumping images of people f***ing....what are you learning there? Please don't say you are learning how to please a woman, porn is for men's pleasure and mostly degrading and even violent towards women. I empathize with this woman....the only way I can explain it is this.....if you are in a bi-racial relationship and sneak off to KKK meetings behind your spouses back. BTW, I am a divorce attorney and that statistic holds merit, even if it is a little high.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Porn is bad and has no place in a marriage. Only women of low self esteem accept it for fear of rejection.
It a bit sad when a mans hobby is sitting at home masterbating over porn. Get him a non porn jigsaw or something.Don't lower your standards.
Hope this helps
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Hi babes, this is an advice and relationship site, people have different views cause they have different experiences. You haven't come here for advice, you have come here looking for someone to agree with you. You feel bad because your husband looks at pornography and you want someone to make you feel better. But how dose this solve your problem, how dose it get him to stop. You feel better because you and Mr. male anonymous both agree that porn is bad, but what is the solution. Men don't have affairs because they look at pornography, there is no correlation between an unfaithful man and him looking a naked girls. In Europe, in the Netherlands, Denmark, and other countries, they are more open about sexuality and it is normal for couples to look at pornography together, and their societies seem to have a healthy attitude to sex. The person who said that pornography is quoted in 50% of divorce cases is lying. Most people get divorce because of money problems, bad sex, or rudeness or just because they get bored. In Britain looking at pornography is no reason to get divorced, the judge wouldn't give you a divorce if this was your only problem. But it may be different in America.
You have your views. I notice that you are a Christian, but your husband doesn't seem as interested in Church as you. Please don't scream and shout at him. This is really bad advice. Men don't cheat if they look at pornography, but they will cheat on a nagging screaming wife. Remember what unfaithful men say "my wife doesn't understand me", screaming, shouting and arguing will definitely lead to you driving him away.
Your husband looks at pornography, this is very normal, even if you don't like it and want people to pretend that your husband is strange and there is something wrong with him. Most (not all) but most men will look at pornography at some point in their lives. It doesn't mean they find you unattractive, it doesn't mean they will cheat, it doesn't mean they love you any less and it doesn't mean that they have no respect for you. It's a legal form of entertainment. It is sexual, and most men like sex and they like to do sexual things to make them relax.
He looks at pornography when you go to church. You like church, this is what you like to do to make yourself happy. Like you, your husband has found himself a hobby that he likes too. Please learn to compromise. If you want him to give up pornography, maybe you should give up church and stay home and have wild passionate sex with him. It is unfair that you have your hobbies, but then you expect him to stay home bored and wait for you. True love shouldn't involve sacrifice. You have no right to tell him what to do with his hands and his eyes.
"He tries to tell me that he isn't fantasizing about other women but I feel it is the first step he is taking towards being unfaithful." Mrs Anonymous...
Your husband is telling you the truth. Unfaithfulness comes about when you leave a husband alone and bored. Pornography actually strengthens marriages, because it gives him something to do and keeps him at home.
Here are some links.. I hope they will help you out. Please pay particular attention to the responses from the men and what they feel about pornography.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-hate-porn-and-no-guy-i-am.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-always-hear-women-should-understand-mens-preference.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-married-men-look-at-porn-a.html
There are thousands more questions on pornography on this board, I suggest you have a look at them to see how common this issue is.
He's your husband, if he treats you good, shows you love, if he makes you smile, then that should be enough for you. Trying to control what he dose with his time is no good. He loves you, he is married to you. I would hate to see his "hobby" ruin what should be a beautiful marriage in which you both feel loved. But it's your call madam. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can't or won't give up, then off course you are at liberty to divorce him and find the rare "porn free man"...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni really appreciate that last answer..to my dilema and from a male - this is good for my heart to know it was from a male.. Most men I'm hearing say it is just normal for guys to surf porn..THANKS!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I am so sorry for your pain, I completely understand how you feel. I don't think you will ever be ok with it because it feels wrong for you. This topic comes up daily on this site, there is a statictic that 50 percent of divorces are now sighting porn as a reason for divorce, this was unheard of 20 years ago......I hope this doesn't apply to you. You need to be very calm and talk to your husband about this. Ask him to be part of the solution, use his natural instinct to fix things. If you value your marriage more than you do your values, you may find the two of you need to comprimise.
...............................
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Hi dear, I understand how you are feeling. It is very normal for married men to look at porn it is their to stimulate them sexually so they can masterbate better. It does not mean he is cheating on you or that he is being unfaithful. I guess you just need to accept that, even if its hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, michellebeth +, writes (13 October 2008):
honey i get where your coming from , last year i found my husband watching porn and went mad some friends of mine said i was stupid , they said they watched it with there husbands and that i sould try it , must admit i thought they were perves but was amased 2 discover they were right theres something very sexy about it and i feel better watching it with him cos at least hes doing me not his hand lol so i think u should give it a try , if u dont fancy it
then dont worry but take it from me its not personal he loves you ,it really is a man thing .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Get angry! Shout and go beserk, make it clear you won't tolerate this behaviour. Instead, it sounds like you are retreating into your shell. 'Can i talk to you about my feelings' just ain't going to do the trick.
It's early in your marriage so roles have yet to be fully established. You need to start as you mean to go on.
Don't tolerate this behaviour. If you do, like you say, his next step will be dating sites and an affair.
Nip it in the bud.
Put the television through with a hammer if you have to.
Good luck
...............................
|
