A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:My bf broke with me unexpectedly Last week we were texting and after a couple of months of being in a relationship and me doing everything he wants The second I asked for some one on one time he had the epiphany that we don't see things eye to eye and that im not the one. I don't understand why im so heartbroken about this The guy asked me to be his gf after two weeks and never really got a chance to know me since we did everything on his time and scheduleMy stuff is still at his house and he couldn't even be a man to drop it off. I know I shouldn't be waiting for a text or something to change but I can't help but be puzzled - in 6 months we never had an argument and I was kissing his ass and all of a sudden the moment I want something he decides im not the one. I don't get it why am I so hung up on this?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 I think we talked about this already , pardon if I'll repeat my point of view.
When you say that there was no reason , or that he gave you no reason, for the breakup ,you are actually just saying that there was no reason that you can LIKE or find acceptable. But actually , from his point of view, there was a very good reason, the best of all : you did not want the same things in terms of relationships.
You wanted intimacy, quality time and one-on-one, and he wanted someone to just go along with his ride , inclusive of friends, relatives and DIY projects, , someone who should cost him very little effort and time.
Different expectations.
You sound baffled that he wanted to call you his gf after 2 weeks, and sort of feel hoodwinked because this " title " gave rise to certain expectations in you that haven't been met.
But he might have been in good faith and not have intentionally meant to screw you over- just, what he wants from a gf is different from what you want from a bf.
Think of the word " wife " , for instance. It does not mean the same for every man. For someone a wife is an equal companion, willing and able to fight by his side in all the battles of life, and maybe help him build a better financial future , a business or something ... for other people it will mean an undemanding presence able to make his life easier and save him time and money by cleaning, cooking and minding the kids.
They both want "a wife ", but obviously each one thinks of a very different kind of woman with different character traits, points of strength and personal needs.
You can't make people want what YOU want, or what they should want in your opinion. You can be flexible, try and meet them halfway- if they walk the other half !, you can look for a compromise... But when you see, and generally it shows pretty soon, that no compromise is possible, then it's time to fold your cards and leave the table.
It's not by being an angel or a martyr, and suppressing your real needs, that you will convince them to give what you want out of gratitude. Gratitude is not love nor romance, to begin with - plus, they could ( reasonably ) tell you : who asked you to do all these sacrifices ? You did them yourself, for YOURSELF, i.e, with the intent to hang on to the man for dear life. Your choice.
Alas, the idea is not to take a square peg and try and fit it in a round hole. But to seek right away for a round, or roundish, or oval :) peg and discard all the other pegs at the first signs of squaredness.
It takes perhaps more time and patience to do that , and surely more courage and self reliance, ... but then again, as you have seen, eventually the square peg in round hole process is just a big waste of time and source of bitterness.
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (11 June 2016):
hey there.. I can really understand how you feel.. But honestly, you are talking about the problem yourself. You were sort of kissing his arse, following his schedule and doing what he wanted. After that of course no one wants someone who is going to suddenly start "demanding".So, it's my personal opinion that you are better off without him, as it wasn't a commitment at all. i would suggest that you pull yourself together and go and collect your stuff. Hold your ground and just walk out with your stuff. I say this only cause you seem to want closure.You can face him one last time and walk away with your stuff, if its still there. Even if it isn't you can face him and come back with your head high.. Remember you have nothing to feel low about. And simply as an added warning. If he does try to get back with you, please don't. Take your break and focus on yourself for a while. Trust me, it gets better real quick. :)Good Luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): Hi. I understand. I have been seeing a man for a similar length of time. I have been with him for eight months on and off. Its only.been over the last week though that I have started to see a lot of his temper, and he has been saying a lot of times that he doesnt want to be with me, and then changing his mind. The last week has been the worst its ever been. I'm not sure where we are going to go with this. Its very confusing. I agree with the other poster that you need to take those steps for your recovery. Maybe I should take some of that advice too!. He comes up with so many reasons for us to not see each other. He has been going through a very stressful time as he is a carer for his elderly dad, but he has been treating me like a punching bag. I dont understand how men think they can treat us this way.
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A
female
reader, Denada846 +, writes (10 June 2016):
Denada846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the kind words - I am lost because there was no closure or reason and k feel defeated on top of that what seemed like a nice guy doesn't even have the audacity to give me my clothes back- I know I won't hear from him but it's hard
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (10 June 2016):
Hi.I think this is your third posting of the same problem? So, I'm thinking your are stuck... And I'm feeling a change in perspective is needed.At the moment, you are early in the break up. From what you've described this man didn't invest like you did. There could be many reasons for this- he maybe cant as he's not get it in him, you two didn't fit well, he's a selfish man etc etc... Who knows. The thing is now your concentration and focus needs to be elsewhere- ruminating and questioning will and is leaving you feeling rejected, invalidated, unworthy etc... You don't need his attention or approval or even him in your life to feel better. You need a plan...Put a note in your diary or calendar one month from today. By this time in one month, you WILL feel better. This is your focus and goal now. Make plans. Friends family work hobbies - make them for the next few days, then the next week. You will feel the pull of him lessen as each day passes.You need nothing from him now. You need yourself and your own strength.Keep a journal. Think about how you feel. Get angry as to how you feel and what a dick he is. Write how you WILL feel better, write about yourself, what you want more you are free to pursue your future. Write about all the ways he behaved that made you feel less than thou are and less than you deserve, and read them when you feel weak. Every day you ruminate and dwell, Is another day he wins and another day your life is on hold...come on girl! We've all had our hearts broken! We've all been there! Time to male a start on your recovery...
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