A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:My life revolves around finding someone how can I break this cycle ? I just had my heart broken by my ex he left me because he didn't want to invest the time in our relationship and I can't get over it. It was only six months and although I did everything he wanted he still left me, I don't get it i'm a successful young professional - I hold two degrees and men say im attractive but I can't and don't care about anything besides a man. I've been like this since I was 21 years old and have only had two relationships the last one six months and an abusive one for 6 years. I stopped dating for three years and hung out with all the wrong people - girls who chased men like I did and were not supportive. As soon as I met my new bf I stopped hanging out with them and now that he dumped me I feel so lost. He was such a jerk to me and I just can't stop thinking about it. My whole life revolves finding someone or forgetting this and I can't seem to get over this! Please help
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 June 2016):
When and if you do decide to go into a next relationship, try to DO things that encourage both yourself and your partner. It seems like your actions aren't particularly healthy for a relationship. Of course, it is fair to call it quits if you aren't connecting with the person so even though he was a jerk to you, the relationship is over for the best. No where in your post indicates anything that resembles loves or any decent relationship. Maybe this is not what you are used to, since you are used to completely giving yourself.
Do not give up your life and your friends to be with someone, no one asked you to prove anything and no decent guy would. Find things to care about besides a man. Your dependency will be your own undoing. If you find any of these things unreasonable or far to difficult, then some professional help might be for the best considering your past.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2016):
 So you know the problem, now how to "fix" it.
I'd say it's hard, because you have (like most other people) conditioned yourself to believe that you NEED a partner to BE happy, to MAKE you happy. However, as NICE as it is to have a partner, having the RIGHT partner is 100% more important, and you don't "find" the right partner when you come off as desperate.
YOU have to be able to "rest" in yourself. Be able to find what makes YOU happy (in yourself). Find things you are passionate about (and no, men wouldn't count here).
WHAT make you an attractive person?
(not just to men, but to people around you)
WHAT makes a man an attractive partner to you?
(and no, him being male shouldn't be it)
I believe having a standard is one. Under that "flag" comes boundaries, values, morals, ideal. You HAVE to be able to set boundaries and find people who will respect them.
You write:
"It was only six months and although I did everything he wanted he still left me"
So basically you DIDN'T stick to YOUR standards and you were too desperate and eager to please him. Which in turn made you come across as a WHOLE other girl than the one he originally fell for. Be who YOU are, not who HE thinks you should be. If he can't LOVE you for you, he isn't the right guy.
Another thing is being positive. This is actually harder than it sounds, but it IS doable. And that STARTS with yourself.
You already have things going for you, like a good solid career path and education.
Being pretty is both good and bad. Some guys are intimidated by pretty girls, others think that all they have to offer is their looks.
You also HAVE to learn to take it slow and get to KNOW a guy. Not just jump into relationship because you "can".
And to NOT ignore red flags because you so desperately wants a partner. Because what you END up with, are jerks.
Taking RESPONSIBILITY for your OWN behavior is also key. I DO remember you other post and you came across as VERY controlling and insecure. So while your now ex, might have been a jerk - that is not the whole story.
I'd also suggest you give making friends another go, just find people you have something in common with, people who will have a POSITIVE influence on you and you on them.
Now it might all seem like a tall order, but doing nothing... will do nothing FOR you. THIS is your life. YOU have to make it the best YOU can.
So... in short. DON'T have any ZERO days. Days you do nothing to improve yourself and those around you. Can be in little ways. It doesn't NEED to be grand gestures, but they need to be genuine.
Think about it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-he-genuinely-busy-or-lost-interest.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-i-asked-for-what-i-need-and.html
Was it two months or six months? It's important that the inconsistencies are corrected, so that we have the necessary information to give helpful advice.
Without knowing how long you were actually attached to the guy for, I think Chigirl is right and you need to do something for you - to find yourself. Travelling is a great option and doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive. Get a new hobby, find friends who are good for you (and you for them), read 1 or more new books, etc. Do things that make you happy and use the enjoyment from that as a reminder not to lose yourself when you're in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2016):
 You spent 6 years in an abusive relationship, you say. Have you stopped to wonder how this affected you? Abusers leave their victims feeling helpless and worthless. Do consider that part of why you feel helpless, alone, and like nothing matters but a man, and your willingness to throw everything out the window for a man, might just be something you learned while in an abusive relationship. The mind finds ways to cope. Your way of coping might have been to do everything that your man wanted, and erase yourself.
I mean, a good relationship isn't ever about doing everything the man wants you to do. You're not a dog. You are a human, with your own thoughts and your own mind.
I think you did well separating yourself from those women who were being negative and never supportive. Find people to keep in your life who enrich your life. Don't spend time with people who just makes your life miserable.
I think your desire to find a man, might come from another desire. That the "man" part is just the embodiment of your true desire: something different. Your were not happy with your ex, and you were not happy with the man before that. You spent three years with women who were also only concerned with finding a man, and you weren't happy then either. What you truly want, and need, might just be a change. A change in life.
Travel.
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