A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. Just after some advice. Do you think hiding things is ever ok? My boyfriend is a very jealous, posessive and sometimes paranoid person. From past experiences with him I now go put of my way to avoid confrontation and accusations from him. Something as simple as a guy Iv known for years saying hi to me could lead to accusations of having slept with the guy in the past! I don't o out without him, I don't add male friends on Facebook I don't even male friends of the opposite sex. So my question is this, sometimes to avoid accusations I hide things that aren't even a threat. For example a Christmas card from a male collegue thrown in the bin, a text wishing me happy new year from my boss instantly deleted. It seems like I can't win. If he saw these things then I'd be accused of some kind of ulterior motive, so unreasonably I hide them even though there is absolutely nothing behin them except simple friendliness. I guess I hid them cos I'm scared. Yet if he finds out Iv hidden them the accusations will be ten times worse!. What would you guys do in a no win situation? Simply ask people not to say hi to you etc and look as though your accusing them of having a motive which they clearly don't? :(
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 January 2011):
I'd dump him. You might not win at first, but then when you see how free you are and that there are far better guys out there, you'll realize you did the right thing.
You can't and shouldn't live the rest of your life in a cage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I think I will add to all the comments here that urge you to finish with him. This is no way to live your life. It is NOT normal. It will never improve, only get worse. Every aspect of your life will be determined by his reactions. Please, call a halt to this and get your life back.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I've been in this situation. Its a form of abuse. After 2yrs i finally got the guts to leave the guy. Best decision i ever made. I met my soulmate and married him... Noone has the right to make you feel like you've done something wrong and control you. Please leave now before its too late
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A
male
reader, cupid_1234  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 He is very insecure and has low self esteem. He doesnt think he is good enough so he gets threatened by someone else. You should not hide things because if you do and if he finds it out, it will much worse. Worse for you. There will not be any end to it. Looks like he has lot of anger and insecurities, try to find out what is causing him to be like this. Maybe a bad childhood or traumatic past experiences. I guess you love him so to make him comfortable, you are hiding things. Intention is good but method is not. If you have time and energy, all you need to do is make him self-confident and make him love himself. If he believes in himself, then he will not be threatened by anyone else. Talk to him directly that relationship can't go on if he is going to behave like this. Try it, if it works fine else do what your heart says. All the best. Hope you two find true love and peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): You don't have to live like that. Believe me it gets worse with time not better. The longer you are with them the harder it is to walk away. You are young and do not need to waste your life on someone like that. He may be insecure, but that is his problem and right now he is making it your problem. Trust me when I say run for the hills. Get away from him and tell him to get some help, there is no happiness with someone like that. I have been in the same situation for 10 years, please take my advice. The longer you stay with them the harder it is to leave.
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (1 January 2011):
Huge, huge red flag! This is a classic pattern of abusive relationships...your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from other people. Looks like he's making headway, too, if you're trying to avoid normal social interactions with others just to prevent his anger. This is verbal & emotional abuse, and he will escalate to physical abuse if he hasn't already started.
Run away from this guy, before he starts using you as a punching bag. Before you do, though, familiarize yourself with the resources available to you in your community. You might want to start with some websites:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ (all kinds of helpful information)
http://www.cadv.org.uk/ (lists hotline numbers)
And check out this one, which is a quiz to help determine if your relationship is abusive.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004
Stay safe! And please update us to let us know how things go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): For goodness sake break up with him.Please do it before you turn into a nervous wreck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): oh hunny what a mess! Who does this man think he is! U cant go through your life avoiding other men forever! I think that you and ur bloke need a chat about boundaries and the fact that he's over stepping them .its fine to b a little jealous but what he is doing is possesive!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Honesty is the best way to go here. If you do not bother hiding anything he will have almost no reason to truly accuse you. Him accusing you doesn't mean that he actually feels you did anything wrong. I am sure he is truly paranoid but I think inside he knows his fear is uncalled for. Just talk to him about it and tell him that it is threatening to rip this relationship apart. Show him all the texts, let him see the cards or anything, tell him that none of it means anything except friendship and some of them are not even close friendships! Talk to him.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Secretlife  +, writes (1 January 2011):
No you shouldn't hide things from somebody you love. And you dont need to be with him if he can't trust you. If you don't have trust, you don't have nothing.
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