A
male
age
30-35,
*azar
writes:I'm not feeling like I'm sexually wanted by my girlfriend of now 2 years. I'm 25 and she's 28 and we've been, as said, together for 2 years.In the start we had debates about this and eventually it settled to sex when I wanted to have sex but it was always some excuse from her "I'm tired, so I can't cum now", "I'm not feeling it at the moment", "Let's have great sex tomorrow, but just finish now". She told me eventually that she couldn't climax with a man until she really trusted him and she had to really be herself.Time passes extremely fast and now TWO years later I'm realizing that it's the exact same problem. We now have sex maybe once a week and she has a (somewhat sloppy) orgasm once a month if that.I'm REALLY tired of excuses. I wish she could just tell me what the hell is wrong. This does not help my inherent RJ (retrograde jealousy) problem and I keep wondering whether she had an amazing sex life with someone else and is just with me because I am "successful in life". She says she's never had as many orgasms as with me and sex is GREAT. By my standards the sex SUCKS. I've never had a worse sex life EVER and I've been with quite a few women. The only reason I'd say our sex is good at all is because she's extremely good looking but looks only take you so far.I keep thinking about this and it weighs heavy on my heart because it's obviously not going to change. This the sex life we'll have. If it was going to change, like she said it would after she'd trust me etc., it would have happened in two years.I'm not sure what I'm asking here. Anyone experienced anything like this? Both gender views are welcome.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 June 2015):
First of all, what exactly is a 'somewhat sloppy' orgasm?! I have no idea what that could possibly mean so some insight would be really helpful.
Secondly, to be perfectly honest it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on her. Like she is not reacting in the way you expect so you are almost mad about it? From your post it seems like SHE is perfectly happy with the sex, yet you are not but you want HER to tell you what 'the hell is wrong'. Erm...don't you realise that you are the one with the problem so you are the one who needs to tell her what you feel is missing?!
The key thing for me in your post is when you say, 'This does not help my inherent RJ (retrograde jealousy) problem'
As if her orgasm is all about YOU. Well it's not! It seems to me like you don't know much about women or their sexual response. Many women struggle to orgasm, and this increases when they are put under pressure.
If there is something missing for you in terms of your pleasure, then tell her. If (as I suspect) it's more that she's not putting on a porn star performance and faking it for you to stroke your ego, then you need to realise that the majority of women do not react this way! In actual fact it's a good thing she's not, as surely you'd rather know when your lady orgasms rather than having her fake it right??
A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (5 June 2015):
The others have given you good advice. You've invested two years in this relationship. It only makes sense to work on communication and see if you two together can figure out what the problem is -- her interest, your expectations or what.
By the time I'd been dating my wife for two years I was starting to have an inkling that we weren't on the same page as far as sex went. I ignored that suspicion, and in doing so condemned myself to a really lousy sex life. If you find out that you and your g/f have different ideas about what good sex is, then it's time to break up and look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2015):
 I don't think she is with you for your "success". I genuinely think she has never HAD good sex till you came along.
BUT, what YOU see as great sex and what SHE sees at great sex may not be the same.
Do you put a LOT of effort into pleasing her? Does she put a lot of effort into pleasing you?
Since 80% of women don't climax from PENETRATION - and let's say SHE is one of them... would you still call your effort to please HER sexually *great*?
Or is she a "dead" fish in bed who doesn't really seem to actually enjoy sex all that much? Is she not adventurous? Or maybe, not AS adventurous as you? When you say "sloppy" orgasm, do you mean you think she fakes them?
It's kind of hard to give advice when you give so little details.
I can tell you this though, with my husband I often did NOT have an orgasm, specially if he was a "bit" too fast and too focused on himself and his pleasure versus BOTH of us. Then other nights I could have multiple orgasms. BOTH kinds were satisfying to me. I don't NEED an orgasm to enjoy sex or intimacy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 June 2015):
 What is exactly is "great sex"? Most women don't climax from penetration and need clitoral stimulation to finish. Do you do that for her?
Its clear that both of you have different definitions of great sex. For her, what you have is good. For you, its terrible. Maybe she's just not as sexual a person as you or maybe something's just not clicking.
Again, this is one of those cases where communication is the key. You need to talk to her when she's in a good mood. Ask her what exactly you need to do to set the mood for her. Make her feel special, tell her that you are concerned that she doesn't seem to enjoy sex as much as you and that you are eager to please her.
Maybe you could take an unscheduled vacation, switch off your cellphones, just be in a place where its you and her. Reconnect. Talk. Make love. Might just help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): I can tell you what's wrong. You are an impatient lover.
You expect her to orgasm to your bidding. Well if you were the man of the world you think you are then you'd know that women can't orgasm at will.
She's needs to feel comfortable with you and that's not going to happen if she had to justify each time why she hasn't had an orgasm. Why should she? If you think that's the only pleasurable thing about sex then you need some education on the subject.
Sex is a two way street. How much effort do you put into doing things that please her? Have you asked her what she likes?
The more pressure she's put under the less likely it is to happen, so if you don't have the patience then I suggest you both move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): What are you basing 'Great Sex' on? If she's able to orgasm?
It's pretty common that women are less likely to orgasm via penetration. Have you tried foreplay with her? Massages? Making sure she is pleasured and relax prior to intercourse?
When I first had sex with my current boyfriend, I orgasmed almost every time. That was because I hadn't been in a sexual relationship for a few years. Now, after two years of being together, I rarely orgasm via penetration.
So it really depends. Besides, a woman will not stay with you just because the sex is great.. It usually is because she truly loves you.
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