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*ithnail700
writes:Help! I've been seeing a truly fantastic girl now for seven months. But recently, I've been having some vague feelings that things weren't really shaping up the way they are supposed to and decided to come clean and tell her that I just didn't feel as if I was 'in love' with her.....at least that's how I summarised the situation. It's something that seems to have become a pattern in my life! But is it ever that simple? Is it ever that easy to work out in one's head why a girl, no matter how 'perfect' and how 'ideal' is causing you to have doubts? There is no logic to it - and it's even more difficult when the person in question is so hurt and telling you that you're making the greatest mistake of your life....And it doesn't help when people keep telling you that the only real way to define/understand love is to experience it first hand. ?? Perhaps that is the answer in itself! But what really is it? Some people have the opinion that I am in love - yet just don't realise it. What? But surely I would recognise such a truly powerful and 'all-consuming' feeling???? But then if no-one really can define it or explain it in simple words, how can we be sure it is this all-powerful and 'overwhelming' sensation? Perhaps it really isn't! Maybe it's just a vague and non-specific notion that the person we're dating is a 'good catch' and we kind of like hanging around with them......So I told her, explained things and how I was feeling. Or at least I tried. She has reasoned that I am making the biggest mistake of my life and that we are perfect for each other. And tonight I am feeling as if all my previous conclusions about life, love ad happiness have all been turned on their heads. What if she is right? What if love really is as simple as that - merely a mutually felt longing to be with said person? But I'm not really even sure if I have that; yet perhaps that's the confused state that I'm currently in....?? Do we really just 'know' if someone is right for us? And what if that's bullshit? And what if there really is this little thing called 'true love' but is so so incredibly rare that we don't even have a cat in hell's chance of ever finding it? Do we just arse about on our own feeling crap and trying to answer the questions of life? And then there is Helen. She is perfect in every way; kind, caring, intelligent, great looking, great company, great everything times by ten. And STILL I cannot find those three magic little words. She says it's me and my head - echoes of a thousand past break-ups. Her friends want to 'shake me' apparently....perhaps to wake me up. But STILL I cannot make sense of it all. I keep thinking that if I really was 'in love' then would I really be questioning things in this way?? Would I really be going through all this self-inflicted agony and indecision? Friends keeps telling me to stop 'thinking so hard' - to let go and just relax. But what then? Does that mean those tell-tale little doubts are to be ignored? Are they not there for a reason? Helen says it's just 'me and my head' - just like the others said.....I just don't know any more. Should I spend another six months with her? Just to be sure? Or should I curtail a relationship which at least on paper is 'perfection'? At least with the others there seemed logical reasons to say good-bye; but with Helen there really is no obvious reason - other than the vague feeling that I am not 'in love' with her - whatever that means?? What should I do? What is 'true love'? I must know! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (16 January 2008):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you again to all whom have helped me on this one. I am 37 years of age, yet it has taken me until now to fully understand this one - but now I can see the truth. To be true to ourselves we must accept only true love as the reason to be with another. To do anything less is to live a lie. Perhaps that is okay for some - the majority of couples in this world no doubt. It can take time to realise this, some may never; but when all is said an done, I believe that we all know, deep down if something feels right or wrong. It's just a matter of how brutally honest with ourselves we are. "Are you in love with her?" Perhaps a question that nearly always reveals the truth, sometimes before words are even spoken. But sadly for most of us, true love is so very rare. The lucky few may find it (that 'master key' that can unlock the doors to true happiness) are truly the most blessed among us. They have a gift so rare. To the rest of us, we have but two choices - to live a life alone and wait, hoping that one day love will come knocking on our door; or to resign ourselves to a lesser union that may at least provide us with companionship and 'security'. The former is the harder I believe, and for many too much to accept. For me though, at least at this point in my life it is the only choice.
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Hi there
I read your question on the day you posted it, and i really wanted to answer, but i just couldn't find the words to describe your answer. I did however keep tabs on your post, and i was truly touched by what some people wrote here. I'm happy that you've found some answers.
While i was watching an old movie tonight - MUST LOVE DOGS - i heard a poem, and i'd like you to read it.
I think after you've done this, you'll have your answer.
Good luck
Love & Light
-M-
Brown Penny
William Butler Yeats
I whispered, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
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A
male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (15 January 2008):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy sincere thanks to all whom have helped me, but in particular Neboraic; you have made me see tonight (perhaps in a way that deep down I knew already) and it all seems to be making sense. The things you say, I feel. For all I have never felt the burning love you talk of, I can imagine just for a minute how that must feel and the overpowering desire to do one thing alone in the world - love one person and be with her no matter what the cost.
Perhaps the hardest thought is that this may well never happen to me. Perhaps I will spend a life alone. But better that than unrequited love. Thank you again Neboraic, you have helped me so much.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (15 January 2008):
I have so often aksed myself what love is and i have been previliged to find the answer through my spiritual/religous journey.Love is deeper.Love grows.Like is instant and easily fades away.Love is patient,kind,giving and long-suffering.When you like,you easily find a reason for liking that person but with love you can't really explain because you love that person from the heart.Don't expect to love someone after a short while of meeting them.It takes time coz you need to acccept their weaknesses,strengths and difference of opinion in life's issues.There's so much i can say but you can mail me for a more detailed explanation.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (14 January 2008):
 When you are "IN LOVE," You don't care what other people think or say. After all... it is YOUR relationship, not theirs.
No one is REALLY PERFECT for you. I have fantasies about the perfect man, but I have never met him yet, and I am 52yrs old. I am now with a man who I love SOO MUCH, but he isn't perfect. I am strongly sexually attracted to him, even though he is not handsome according to my standards. He has flaws in his personality that I don't like. But .he has a lot of PLUS's too. I have STRONG LOVE feelings for him. Other people tell me that I could do better ... but screw them. It is MY relationship. To me... that is what love is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): True love is the most amazingly feeling you have in your life.
You love that person for everything he/she is.
From their spotty back to their cute smile.
U accept them. And adore every bit of them.
You love them for who they are.
You want to be apart of their life.
And couldnt imagine not being with them.
U put other peoples thoughts aside on only focus on them.
Its like an incredible connection between both of you.
Looking back on me and my ex. We had love. :(
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A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (14 January 2008):
I agree with the idea -if your in love you know it- one piece of advice is to spend some time apart (while still a couple) have no contact for a week or two. Hopefully this will avoid the possibility of you realising you love her after you split up with her and break her heart.
I have had a few large decisions in my life and while they werent to do with love, they everything else sounds identical, i made the right choice each time by following my instincts. Her friends may want to shake you until you love her but then they have missed the concept, the reasoning "she's perfect for you" works if your buying PC or a house but when it comes to love, the specs (the way she sounds on paper) should only be a small consideration. Her being perfect is not reason enough to stay with her. Her being perfect for you only means she has compatible height weight, taste in movies... No one is lucky enough to have a perfect girlfriend, and you are no exception it appears.
One day a woman may come along who sets your heart on fire, you will then know more about what love is, then you'll come home and see Helen and feel little for her. (Of course the burning heart feeling dies down over time naturally but not to the point of doubts). The worst thing is this is a lose lose situation for both of you because either way one of you is not happy, but breaking her heart may be neccessary, you dont want to be in the situation where your doing her a favour by staying, also i would hate to see a girl with a guy who didnt love her.
To summerise you shouldnt stay with her, im not sure when you should leave because you hit the nail on the head in tha last paragraph, i would think about leaving some time soon (how soon is soon, its one of those undefined concepts like love). And i dont know what true love is but know some men are ready to move mountains for the woman they love, your in the opposite situation. I have liked girls in the past, strongly (at a young age, when its so much stronger), i imagine it will feel like that. Good luck to you, and to her.
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A
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reader, Withnail700 +, writes (14 January 2008):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Laura and Eve, you have both helped me tonight in a way that I cannot easily express in words. I have felt so alone in my plight to find an answer and tonight for the first time I feel as if I understand, at least a little. My heartfelt thanks to both of you for such noble and considered words.
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reader, Talina +, writes (14 January 2008):
I would have to ask you a few personal questions to assist you. If you seriously want to get to the bottom of why you have a consistant problem-matic pattern you keep following you would need to answer honestly. I would first ask you if you look or engage in watching porn? Habitual porn can distort ones views on love and intimacy. I would then ask if you and Helen have had sex yet. If you have become accustomed to masturbating to detatched images then you will want a woman until she becomes attatched. Once the woman is attatched to you and wants you then you feel uncomfortable, disappointed that it isn't all you thought it would be. Sex is 99% mental, many men have this problem you talk about and in my experience it always boiled down to porn. Porn is something that many many men engage in, unfortunately they do it without knowledge of the effect it has on ones mind. I couldn't possibly help without more info on you as a person.
I can tell you that Love is all consuming, you are in love with someone if you will be willing to die for them to save them, you are in love with someone if by knowing them you want to be a better person. You are in love with someone if you think of them more than you think of yourself. I could go on and on about more symptoms of love, but it serves no purpose if your views on emotional attatchment are warped in any way. You need to get to the bottom of that. When I was in my twenties I too truely did not know what love was, it was foriegn to me really. I was a spoiled person. I was selfish and everything was about me. I did not understand love. I just knew I had to have what I wanted, and when I got it, it was never enough. I was incapable of truely loving someone, until I learnt how to love.
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A
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 January 2008):
 True love is to give without expecting anything in returns.
To die for someone like Jesus died for our sins....
True love is when you are blind and you cannot see her false teeth or white hair or freckled face or one eye missing.
"Love is what none of us can point out because it's that unexplainable thing that only appears when you realize you are not asking yourself, 'What is love?'"
Source Unknown
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 January 2008):
 You really are confused here aren't you? Here is my definition of love for you.
To love a person, first and foremost you must KNOW them personally. Lots of teenagers say they "love" a celebrity or are "in love" with them but of course this can't be, they love the idea of who they are but if they've never met them then it's just a crush or infatuation.
Real love on the other hand is very different. If you truly love someone then you respect them for who they are, warts and all. You want to look after them and protect them, you look out for them and put them first. You feel happy and content in their company and enjoy being together. Above all you can be yourself when you're with them. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. There is trust and understanding on both sides and you feel safe and secure within yourself. You would never undermine them, they are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and you can be honest with them at all times, you can tell them anything because they love you as you are.
He/she may be someone who is the direct opposite of you. On the surface you may seem like chalk and cheese. Whilst you may be loud and forceful they may be quiet and thoughtful. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries or be twenty years apart but this doesn't matter. There is an unspoken language between you, the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you.
Real love stands the test of time, you laugh together, cry together and even have your differences but this doesn't matter, you love that person AND their failings. You come together in a crisis and work through things together and this just brings you closer. You take their feelings into consideration in all that you do. They are the most important person in your life!
Eve
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