A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is my story in chronological order.After several break ups and being cheated on twice in two relationships, I came to a conclusion in 2008 that I would be ready to get married to anyone who is ready to give me a commitment.During this time, I met my boyfriend who was then madly in love with me. I was very skeptical of a new relationship, though it was long distance. But I told myself that maybe life has given me another chance to believe in love. He said then he was serious and would take some time to commit. I didnt mind that thinking anyone would really need time to know me.After six months when I asked for a commitment, he broke up with me, giving several reasons he was unhappy... my exes, my arguments etc. I was taken aback and immediately took steps to correct myself, improve, and we got back together. After that we had an awesome holiday with his friends. One of his friends told me he had something going on with another girl. I didnt believe them however my boyfriend fought with his friend and lost the group of friends in return.Later on he moved into my city, he ignored his promotion, his bonus and lied to his parents and moved. I was overjoyed, however in those months we had some major fights. One of the fights was when I got drunk and called his parents telling them the truth (which I dont remember now as I was drunk). However, instead of hearing my plea, his parents rightfully thought that I would be very dangerous as a wife if I am making so many issues before marriage.When my parents called him over, he refused and said he didnt want to marry me. We broke up for a week. Later on, we patched things up and spent some good time together, and he returned back to his city. On returning to his city we had a gap, we met again to spend some 3-4 quality days, when he commits to me, and breaks it off again in a days time. I am shattered. We meet again for a week when I find out he is still talking to the same girl, I get furious call the girl up and his friends. He loses that group, gets angry, and we break up. I however go back to him telling him I dont want to break up really. He refuses to patch things up.He comes down to my city in a months time, stays there for two months, he does not want to meet me, he starts seeking girls on a dating site. I am hurt and ask him to patch things up. He refuses, I give up. And try to move on. As soon as I do that, he patches things up with me on the last day of his two months and returns back to his city.He is extra sweet to me the first two months, he also says he wants to marry me twice, plans to come down to see me, but this gets cancelled as I get sick. After that his behaviour changes, he doesn't want to have sex over the phone or internet, he doesn't want to come down to see me, it feels he is only there with me for the sake of it. If I cry or get angry it makes no difference.One fine day I stop talking, he calls me, I dont pick up, the next day he is on the dating site again.He mails me after three weeks, telling me he loves me and hates me, he does not want to move on, and wants to know if I want to break up or not. I say no, I tell him I saw him on the dating site, he only justifies that he did this because he saw me not picking up his calls, changing my password and thought I had moved on. I tell him we need space in the relationship, so that he can realise what he really wants.After all this I do want to break up because I am putting in a lot of effort, patience, and hard work to this relationship. I also don't want to carry on if he remains the way he is behaving. My questions are:Do I give him space? And how much time? AND after how much time, if he does not react, should I tell him it's over OR wait for him to decide that?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (8 February 2011):
just trying to picture all that you wrote makes me exhausted!
I think that you would ultimately be happier if you left him. Being yanked around really wears you down. But that's not all, he also cheated on you and lied to you numerous times. The hurt is piling up. The more hurt that piles up, the more likely it is to continue increasing because you can't keep up with healing from past hurt before new offenses get thrown in your face to deal with too.
You are on a quest for commitment, and he dangles this like a carrot in front of you to keep you around when it's convenient for him. His actions show that he's far from actually being ready or willing to commit. But he knows your hot buttons to push ("commitment") so he uses that to keep you interested even though actually he's still keeping his options open (hence the cheating and dating sites).
It's cruel to mess with people's minds because it wrecks havoc on their emotions. And that's what he's been donig to you - telling you he will marry you, then completely withdrawing his commitment, even cheating on you, then back again to wanting to be with you, then back again on the dating site...he's taking you for a ride on the emotional roller coaster.
you have put in a lot of effort and it's normal to feel that to walk away now means to have wasted your time, energy and emotions. So you stay on stubbornly and cling to the hope that just a bit more effort for a bit longer, will make it all worthwhile. It's loss aversion - it feels very discomforting to have lost something. In this case your time and emotional energy. You want to do anything to avoid that loss so you think if you keep on giving a bit more things will turn around i.e. you wouldn't have lost your time and energy.
(It's like when people invest in the stock market and refuse to sell even when the prices go down and they've lost money, because they hope that if they hold on longer the prices will increase and they will at least break even. No one wants to lose their investment if they possibly can avoid it so they hold on longer hoping things will turn around.)
Sometimes things do turn around if you hold on longer. But from the history of your relationship, what clues or indicators are there that things will change and not just repeat more of the same? And also if you do continue this relationship and start to feel better again, what are the chances that you will feel good ENOUGH to be truly happy given all the crap he's already thrown at you like the cheating especially?
Are you feeling so down trodden that the thought of feeling just a little bit better is something that you're willing to sacrifice more to get? sacrificing a lot, to get relatively little in return, will be very exhausting and ultimately disappointing...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): You appear to hold the belief that circumstances are absolute external and befalling you rather than being an extension of something propelled from within so therefore you are not responsible for creating your life situations.
It would be wise to get councelling and face discovery why your self esteem is non existant and why your selection of being the victim instead of the participant in your life role. Victims draw victimization and until you change your internal road map, nothing will alter in your love matches.
In India, you are on the fine line of appropriate age for marrying and creating undesirable history for yourself and others. This relationship doesn't matter but councelling is of the essence to ensure happy love match for you.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Your boyfriend has consistently treated you with disrespect, cheated on you, pursued other women via online dating sites, and refused to commit 100% to you. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t give this man another second of my time.
First, you need to get some counseling to work on your own problems… low self esteem and insecurity. Have you spoken with a psychologist or psychologist? I think this would be quite helpful, as it will help you work on your issues, so that you can be happier and more confident about yourself. Once you’re in a better state of mind, you will have the strength to stand up to those who treat you with disrespect.
If you truly want to give this man another chance, make sure you let him know this is his LAST opportunity to prove himself. In addition, he needs be honest about these other women he dated while the two of you were seeing one another. I would give him two weeks to think things over. In the meantime, do not contact him! After 2 weeks, have a heart to heart discussion about your wants and needs and find out where he stands. Tell him you will accept nothing less than a 100% commitment to you. If you detect any reluctance in your boyfriend’s voice, save yourself the time, and break up with him.
Please let us know how things turn out! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, amandab  +, writes (6 February 2011):
what is your gut telling you?
give him space, yes run a mile, why are you waiting around for someone who is obviously treating you so badly. i think you can answer that yourself with the first paragraph.
he is stalling, watch a film, hes just not that into you!
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A
female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (6 February 2011):
There is no perfect relationship. But you have to ask yourself is this what you want? From reading your post I think that you need to take time for yourself and see things clearly for what they are. There's so many guys out there who can and capable of commitment. You deserve someone who will treat you right and does not run off everytime there is a disagreement or a fight. You also need to strengthen your self esteem, this guy is only hurting it. You need a relationship with a stable, calm caring living guy. He is out there looking for you, but you'll never know if you keep chasing this one. Space won't help, you gotta cut him off and free yourself. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (6 February 2011):
 If you are looking for a relationship where there is commitment, this is not the guy. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Read your post. Do you see a pattern there? Is this how you want to live your life?
I see a bleak future for you with this man. He has continually lied, cheated, and strung you along. What makes you think he will ever stop? Cut your losses. This relationship is too dysfunctional to pursue.
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