A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with married for 4 years and together for 8 years. I love my wife, but she can be very selfish and self centered. I have a female friend at work that is on the verge of a divorce. I have been her shoulder to lean on, because she is really going through a rough time. The problem is I think I am growing to close to her now and I'm starting to develop feelings for her that I shouldn't have. She is older than me and has 4 kids. She is having severe financial troubles as well, which breaks my heart. I up and gave her $40.00 because she didn't have money for groceries or gas. I told my wife about her situation and that I'm trying to help her as well as the money I gave her.Last night the lady and I went out after work and had dinner and drank (mostly her). I paid the bill which was $51.00, because I knew she didn't have any money. I also cleared this with my wife prior to going out as well.I had a really great time with her and she had a great time too. Which has just increased my feelings for her.Today we agreed that I should be her adopted brother since I seem to be hell bent on protecting her. I told her we had to act like real siblings though if we do this, because I am an only child and I've always wanted a sister. She agreed. She even agreeded to let me call her Sis or Sissy. I am ok with our relationship being like brother and sister, but I wonder if this is just a way to mask what may really be going on.What should I do? The last thing I ever want to do is be untrue or hurt my wife.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Hold on, you're slipping down the slippery slope. You're asking the questions you already know the answers to. DO NOT DO THIS.
Pretend this is a tape and listen to what you have said.... You have feelings for her....You're OK with a sibling relationship.....My friend, we call that incest. I don't have those feelings for my sister. Do you get that point? She's not your SIS or whatever name you choose to call it. You're stroking eachother and it will escalate from there.
Furthermore, the reason you're clearing these events with your wife is to let yourself off the hook. Be honest about that. If you spin it one way to your wife, you look like a hero. She has faith in you and thinks you're doing this because you're a nice guy. In reality, you're acting like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Plus, if anyone sees you, you can always say your wife is aware you're out. BUT, she's not aware of what you're really feeling.
Did you tell your wife about how the time you spent with her "increased your feelings " for her.....Hmmm...I doubt it, Why not? Because you know it's wrong and you have motives that are not proper for a married man. You're passing yourself off as a buddy but that is not the truth, is it?
What you are expereincing is not uncommon or abnormal. It happens to everyone from time to time. How we handle these things is determined by our amount of integrity. How much integrity do you have?
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Sounds like you're starting to get emotionally involved. My advice is to set very clear boundaries for both of you. It's not worth having an affair, it's not honest and she's probably on the rebound anyway so she's not showing her true feelings. If you had a fling all three of you would end up hurting. As AskEve says your wife seems pretty tolerant and understanding. Love is something we do, it's a verb. So love your wife more and don't step over the line. Helping this woman is very kind etc. but it looks like it's heading in the wrong direction. If you insist on having her as a sister to help then do it at home with your wife present. Tell her that you still love your life and that your marriage is important to you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, elsie  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 you are asking questions and i think that you spell out any confusion you have.if this friendship were truly innocent then you wouldnt be thinking like this.i agree with askeves answer.why dont you arrange a date with your wife included?hmmmm.the fact youve said your wife is selfish i think is the biggest clue that this could turn into something more than it is.concentrate on your wife.really and truly you should back off now before this woman begins to totally rely on you and you get into something you cant get out of.
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A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Keep the relationship as it is for the time being. You are obviously thinking that there is maybe some unsurfaced feelings going on. Is this maybe because you feel taken for granted at home ? You need to have a long hard think about how you are feeling. Is it just on a whim ? I would just stay adopted brother for the time being if I was you. This woman from work could be leaning on you for emotional support only, which she sounds like she needs, but how long have you known her? Is this close relationship that you two have developed through work satisfying some need that you are not getting from your wife ? There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself before getting carried away. Last thought here is I feel you are possibly worried about being very open and frank with your wife, and if she realised the possible situation, then maybe things at home could improve. I dont know. Just be careful you dont throw away 8 years for a possible fleeting encounter with a work colleague.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Your wife doesn't seem very selfish and self centred to me. I don't think a lot of wives would be so trusting of their husband to take another woman out to dinner. You are starting to see the danger signals so I would back off from this woman a bit. If anything, ask her round to your home for dinner one night WITH your wife there.
If I were you I wouldn't get tangled up with this other woman. You have a wife who loves you, make the most of that and don't throw away what you already have. Bring your wife flowers, show her a little bit more attention and above all, tell her you love her, she really is a woman in a million!
Eve
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