A
female
age
41-50,
*issabell
writes:I have known "my boy" for 20+ years. We grew up together, our parents were friends, etc. I moved away for 13 years, and when I came back I fell for him, as he did for me. He is married and has three children, but only stays in the relationship for the kids and fear of losing everything that HE himself has worked so hard for. He tells me he is ready to leave, but I don't think he is making any initiative. I knew coming into this this would be a difficult relationship, but yet he still won't take the initiative to leave.What do I do to determine if I am wasting my time and energy giving my love to someone who will never return it the way I want. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 i feel sorry for the wife and children.you know that what you are doing is wrong and would totally devastate them if they found out.he committed to her.your"boy"had 3 kids with her.doesnt it tell you a whole lot about his character that he can sneak around meeting up with you.you walked into another mans life and had plenty of reasons to walk away but chose not to.how will you handle the aftermath when it all comes out?by the way the things HE himself has worked for i should imagine were for his wife and kids too.after all there only 'things'.you are a person with feelings and if he wanted to be with you he would have been by now.
A
male
reader, srinii  +, writes (16 March 2007):
You know the answer and you are the one creating problem to you and to him, better you don't talk and avoid and please god sake don't disturb his family life. Better go away from his life, as when away 13 yrs back, and again do come into his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): Yeah, yeah, he only stays married for the sake of his children. Right. If you believe that, then there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.
You don't need to "do" anything to determine whether you are wasting time and energy. You already know the answer.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 You have known this person for 20+ years and you are maximum 25, so your relationship has been throughout your childhood. You were also away for 13 years during that time. Although you have known him for all those years, you were not together or adults during that time. He had a life while you were apart. The thing that has worked so hard for and that he does not want to "lose" is his children. The largest part of that relationship is their mother. You are looking at this whole thing through rose colored glasses. You need to take them of and see that he needs to finish what he started - and that means raising his kids with his wife. He is by no means a catch - if he has had difficulty sticking by a wife and three children, how can you ever completely trust him? You are not an innocent in this either, you are breaking up a family. Do you really want to start a relationship on the ashes of another??? One woman I knew who did this and spent all of her time complaining about having a "blended family" and about her horrible step-teenagers, but who has sympathy for someone who caused the initial breakup in the first place (and people WILL be placing blame)? You will be dealing with his ex, his ex-mother-in-law (Grandma) and his first wife's next husband forever - weddings, grandchildren, etc. Do you REALLY want to complicate the hell out of your life before you have even started living? Consider how much easier life will be without all the drama, find a new boy, enjoy your future without dumping a whole mess on it before you even get there... If this makes you pause, I hope you realise that you have so many other possibilities out there waiting for you. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): LisaG said it right on the money, when she stated " In my experience if men really really want something, they will move towards what they want regardless of other complications" Wise words, indeed and you would be a smart cookie to listen to that. When a man wants a woman so bad, he will move mountains to be with her. He's not doing this. So, in a nutshell, there is no determinations to make-he is unavailable, he's not making any move to be with you and you are wasting your time. He has told you he fears losing everything. Actually, he's right where he wants to be, hun,no matter what he tells you. Make a clear distinction here between what he says and what he does. I'm not going to say he doesn't love you, because I don't know that. His interpretation of 'love' may be different from mine, but the cold hard fact is--you are a mistress you and not his wife. She wears the diamond ring on her finger, She has the nice house and all the trappings of a good life, she gets to spend Christmas, thanksgivings and holidays with him and you are making it too easy for him. This arrangement allows him to be the family man, and he avoids a messy divorce, no alimony or child support payments. Why on earth are you tolerating this. This is not healthy for you and you stand to lose the most. My suggestion: End this. Do it for you and for this man's family. Please work on yourself and think of this question...why do you feel you aren't worthy enough to have ALL of a man's love? Go and free yourself-go find someone else who is available to love you endlessly..find someone who you don't have to share with another woman. Go find your dignity and stop interfering in another woman's marriage. Good luck, dear and I hope you find yourself and someone who can give you what you so richly deserve...a life where you have a man who can give 'you' everthing..including his unfailing love.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 March 2007):
 The best thing to do is give him some space. This man may have been "your boy" in the past but he is married now with 3 children and you have turned his world upside down. Give him some space and time away from you to get his head together then tell him to get back in touch if he really wants to leave and be with you.
Eve
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A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (16 March 2007):
 Difficult question, in a nutshell I would say be open to him, but at the same time get on with meeting other men who dont have the complications of children with another woman. Ideally do you really want to be step mum? Or would you rather have your own kids with a man who has all the time for you and your kids and no one else's ? In my experience if men really really want something, they will move towards what they want regardless of other complications... you and I would do the same also. Have a good look at this relationship and put yourself first above all, he may need time to decide what is best for him and what he really wants, so bear this in mind. But always remember that children complicate the whole equation, regardless of what he feels for her. Not sure if I answered this sensibly as Ive had a couple of drinks ! One last word, if you feel you maybe wasting your time and energy - you possibly are. Keep your options open xx
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