A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What should be shared in a relationship after a year and 3 months? Is it wrong to want to see his facebook, cell phone etc? I have no problem showing mine! I feel like people with nothing to hide, hide nothing and all he says he wants is privacy! please help!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 December 2012):
Serpico nailed it. It has to do with trust. Look at your best friends. You don't ask for their passwords so you can check they're still true to you and not talking smack behind their backs, do you? You trust them. Well the same should go for your boyfriend. He should be allowed to have some privacy.
You're two individuals in a relationship with each other, not melting into each other. I've seen it happen with insecure couples and their relationships are usually intense but short. And afterwards, they feel lost because they shared their entire life and sense of being with that person. It doesn't work.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 December 2012):
The need to "share everything" is just a disguise for saying "Im really insecure as hell and really cannot fully trust anyone."
You cannot have a real relationship without trust. If you cannot trust someone, you need to work on that yourself before you bring someone else into it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Personally I think there always should be some privacy in relationships, after all you are two individuals and you dont have to share everything.
You say if he has nothing to hide why wont he share? Well lets turn this around, if you trust him why do you need to check up on him?
What could you possibly gain from looking on his phone or facebook? Do you really want to read the boring text messages to his friends about sports? Do you really want to see the conversations between him and his family about his next visit to see them?
Unless you dont trust him and want to look for something bad, then I see no need to look at his phone or facebook. The kind of people that want to 'share' everything are people addicted to drama, they cant cope when everything is going well in their relationship so want to hunt down bad things to throw at their partners.
Even if you think of it this way, what if he was trying to organise a surprise party, or asking for advice on what Xmas present to get you - if you had his passwords and went on his phone you would find out, ruining the surprise!
Privacy is important, it means you can lead your life the way you want to lead it, organise whatever you want etc without worrying who is reading it. No-one should be so nosey that they have to know everything about their partner's lives, and if you are not being nosey well you dont trust your partner, and that is a far bigger problem.
If you were sat next to him and he reads a message on his phone, then fair enough if you glanced at it and read it that isnt an invasion of privacy. But if you are specifically picking up his phone to go through all of his messages and call records then you have a problem. Equally if he leaves his facebook on the computer and you just so happen to go onto the computer next and have a glance at it, that's fine. But if you are logging on when he's not there to check who he is talking to and what he is doing - you have problems.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2012):
 My husband and I share everything. Phones are not password protected... we share our personal passwords, I see his mail, he sees mine... both electronic and paper. He sees my facebook stuff...
We don't DEMAND it... but it's available. Sometimes it bugs me that he will just start scrolling through my phone like he has every right to do so. I have NOTHING to hide and don't mind... and the fact that he knows I can do it for him too means he hides nothing... but still it would be nice to have some privacy...
so while having nothing to hide and being willing to share everything is good, a bit of privacy is ok too.
so it goes both ways... I can see both POVs
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2012):
 My husband and I have total access - but I have never checked his Facebook or his phone.
Why should I? I trust him and I really don't think I need to monitor him. Why would I need to know what he posts on FB or who he talks to on there? He tells me all about stuff and show me things others have posted for a laugh, but other then that I really don't see WHY I need to check it.
On the other hand he can access my email and what not as he pleases. I have actually asked him to do so because I needed to check a date in an e-mail and I didn't have access to my e-mail. Do I think he went though all my e-mails? I sincerely doubt but if he did *shrug* doesn't bother me, because there is nothing he can't see.
I respect his privacy and respects mine.
Honey, EITHER you trust him or you don't. Either you respect his wish for privacy in those areas or you don't..
Exactly WHY is it that you feel this NEED to check his phone/e-mail/Facebook?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I would have no problem showing my Facebook page or my cellphone to my B/f but what is the need? I am a firm believer in personal space and I believe that everyone needs their space. Ditto for emails. I will not share my password with my B/f, not because I have something to hide but because its my personal space and its none of his business.
My parents have been happily married for 30 years but they have never and still don't intrude into each other's personal space. My dad never opens my mom's closet or her locker where she keeps her money and jewellery. Why should he? It doesn't concern him. Neither do I because its not my space.
Its not about hiding anything when it comes to personal space, its just something which everyone needs. There's nothing wrong with privacy, in fact, life would be hell without it!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 It's no standard answer, some people like privacy, others like to have no privacy. You don't want privacy, but he does. You're not wrong, but he's not wrong either. You just have different ideas about it. Having privacy is a goal in itself. It is not something you have so that you can hide things, or cheat, or do other suspicious things. Privacy is valued for itself. I value privacy, and would not feel comfortable with my boyfriend "checking up on me". I don't mind him seeing my phone or messages, if he happened to look through it in the search of something. I can sit and type an e-mail with him looking over my shoulder without it being a problem. But, I do like having privacy. I don't have anything to hide, but it is not necessary for him to know everything I write or say to other people. Nor is it necessary for me to know everything he says. He's left his facebook account open on my lap top several times, but I have no desire or need to read his messages. What he says to his friends is his business, and he's entitled to have a sphere of his life where I am not included. Something of his own, to share with his friends, or just to share with himself in privacy. A partner doesn't have to be included in every sphere of your life, that can become overwhelming.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (3 December 2012):
 HI
Yes I'm afraid I agree with your partner. It's ok to have privacy,personal space. If you don't trust him because he wont share his details with you then thats your insecurities. Have you been cheated on in the past? was an ex going online behind your back? if so you need to deal with that and move on first before commiting into another relationship. I would NOT like someone knowing my details and looking into my phone, I have nothing to hide, I just like to have my privacy. Thats the problem with many relationships today, when someone wants to suffocate you , wanting to know everything, it's like big brother!!!and thats the quickest way of losing someone.
Mandy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I have no problem letting my girlfriend see my Facebook or phone but I think I'd have a problem is she specifically asked to see them as that says to me she doesn't trust me.
There is nothing wrong with having privacy OP, have you reason to be suspicious? Is he overly protective of his phone? Like takes it with him even if he's just going to the bathroom and stuff?
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 this is a key relationship point because it is all about honesty. if I can't let my girlfriend see everything I do and say I understand that she can't trust me. but does she have to know everything? I think guys are more dodgy than women so she should be able to look. I've got nothing to hide but I don't want her to look anyway.
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